Fun List Fridays

We Present: Random Lists of Distinctly Selected Items. If you would like to contribute a list, please email us and include your list, list title, and post name in the body of the email. We do not discriminate or edit.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Different Types of Farts(Ty Webb)

1.The Louis Armstrong: musical, changes tempo and tone (imagine farting through a trumpet with one of those rubber end covers). This one is the kind you hope to impress your new girlfriend with the first time you let one slip.
2.The Jimi Hendrix: Unpredictable and intense, can vary in duration and depth (think Star Spangled Banner @ Woodstock) – Advice: check your pants after this one.
3.The Shart: You let one rip and get more than you bargained for. See advice line above.
4.The Squeeker: Similar to the Louis Armstrong, but high pitch is unwavering and may shatter glass if cheeks are properly clenched.
5.The Dry Fart: By far the best of all farts; it can smell awful, or be pleasant and flowery. Distinguished by its’ machinegun-like staccato burp, which when experienced, is the most satisfying feeling other than orgasm.
6.The Wet Fart: This version may or may not ruin your pants. Distinguished by a gurgling sound accompanied by an exclamation: “That can’t be Dry”. Proceed with caution lest the Wet Fart become a Shart.
7.The Warbler: This methanous release has a Leslie-Rotating Speaker like effect; it shifts from wet to dry, loud to soft with no warning. Unlike the Webler, the smell on this one eventually dissipates.
8.The Denver: Thinly veiled in clouds and rises quickly; kind of like the Rocky Mountains. No wonder why we don’t like Coors Lite.
9.The Apache: Stays low, clings to the floor until it has the room surrounded. Then it launches its’ attack, yelling like a crazy Indian and rapidly climbing the walls until it reaches the ceiling and fills the room with its’ noxious fumes. If you are in the room when an Apache is unleashed, stop, drop and roll. The air close to ground level is usually the safest to breathe.
10.The Bill Clinton: Smells like a cigar, but don’t inhale.
Things to do while staying in a hotel for a Hockey Tournament / Having a Hotel Celebration, Bitches:(Ty Webb)

1.Flush the mini soap bars down the toilet (keep the mouthwash and sewing kit, they may come in handy later).
2.Throw Snapple bottles filled with piss at people in the parking lot below.
3.Execute “Leaners” on neighboring hotel rooms: A leaner is when you fill a bucket or garbage pail with liquid (your choice of Juice); then lean it against a hotel door that opens in, knock/ring and then wait for the unsuspecting neighbor to open the door and get wet feet.
4.Get caught smoking a joint outside the hotel in four feet of snow by your hockey coaches. Try to run away at first, and then realize you’re 6’5”, and look like a scarecrow, and you’re out in four feet of snow in your boxers. Try to tell them it was actually a cigarette, which coincidentally is also not allowed.
5.Have an all night (naked) dance party on your hotel room bed. Invite Stewie Griffin to proclaim it a “sexy party. And remember, if it comes down to a walk-off, listen to your friend Billy Zane, he’s a cool guy.
6.Bring bottles of Jack Daniels filled with Iced Tea in an obviously searchable hockey bag so your coaches find them and get excited until they crack them open back in their hotel room and realize that the seemingly-harmless Snapple bottles they passed over in their search held the Jack Daniels all along.
7.Bring along a batch of pot brownies so potent that you’re still waaasted the next day and have to pretend you have the flu and can’t play in the game because you’re still too high to put on equipment or even think about tying your skates. Then eat more brownies during the game while the team is on the ice and laugh at them.
8.Stretch your ball bag (scrotum) across your roommates face while he’s sleeping and take a picture of the “Saskatoon Flying Squirrel” perched on his face. Tell him it got in through the window and he slept through the whole ordeal. Explain that you would have killed it, but they’re an endangered species. Tell him that the one that landed on his face had a peculiar tail, which looked like a wild-mushroom.Offer him the photo as proof.
9.Fill up the tiny little shampoo bottles before you leave with piss (or if you already have enough mouthwash….)
10.Go into your Friend’s room and order video games, room service and porn movies. Then run back to your room when he gets out of the shower, leaving him surprised when the Belgian Waffles with anchovies and sour cream toppings show up at his door. And confused about whether to play Halo or watch Jenna Loves Rocco.
11.Two Words: Upper Decker.

Friday, October 28, 2005


Minetti framed Harry Crumb

Minetti boned your mother before you were born

Research Analysts predict that Minetti has 12,756 children that he does not know about. 9,458 of them have mustaches and are between the ages of 12 and 20

Minetti invented High-Tops

Minetti broke the record for throwing a nerf football.

Sunny Delight was Minetti's idea.

Minetti is a Jedi Knight

Minetti is really Lukes father

Minetti invented Ring Pops

Minetti is in the Guiness Book of World Records for holding his breath under water for 49 hours, 32 minutes, and 12 seconds.

Minetti was actually controlling the Giant Squid in 10,000 Leagues Under the Sea like ace Ventura 2 during the Rhino scene.

The paper airplane was Minetti's idea

Minetti can smoke a joint in the White House and no one will say anything.

Minetti is undefeated in "The Contest"

Minetti has never lost Wheel of Fortune because his favorite letter is "T"...

Minetti invented the Air Guitar

Minetti blackmailed Pete Rose

Monday, October 24, 2005


1. Lifetime supply of Hi-C Ecto Cooler
2. Game-used pair of James Worthy's Rec-Specs
3. World's Largest Crossword Wall Puzzle, courtesy of Delta Skymiles catalogue
4. A roundhouse kick to the face, courtesy of Chuck Norris
5. 1983 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue with the Cheryl Tiegs pull-out cover
6. Nickelodeon's GUTS The Complete Second Season on VHS
7. An autographed Clay Bellinger bobble-head doll
8. Banjo Lessons from Ronnie James Dio's brother, Elrod
9. Road head from Ronnie James Dio's sister, Ursula
10. A date with Tad Hamilton
11. A free Crystal Pepsi


Ebony Nuccas love Emerald Nuts
EMBO-shouting Neanderthals love Emerald Nuts
Empty Nalgenes love Emerald Nuts
Extinct Nordiques love Emerald Nuts
Expired Nillas love Emerald Nuts
Electric Num-chucks love Emerald Nuts
Exfoliating Nutbatter love Emerald Nuts
Enthusiastic Necrophiliacs love Emerald Nuts
Exotic Nehrus love Emerald Nuts
Eleanor Nightingale loves Emerald Nuts (Florence's sister)
Electrocuted Nordberg loves Emerald Nuts (OJ Simpson in Naked Gun)
Erstwhile Nazis love Emerald Nuts
Escalator Naysayers love Emerald Nuts
Emotional Nihilists love Emerald Nuts
Erotic Nurses love Emerald Nuts
Elephantized Nads love Emerald Nuts
Easter Island Nincumpoops love Emerald Nuts
Elusive Nemo loves Emerald Nuts
Eskimo Nipples love Emerald Nuts
Easy-going Negroes love Emerald Nuts
Even Nostradamus loves Emerald Nuts

I hate when I go out to dinner at a nice restaurant and the waiter has to read me the specials. Look, I don't mind it but the reality is that I will not remember what the hell you just said. Once I picture in my head what the first dish will do to my stomach I have already missed the next two. Why don't they just print the specials out on a piece of paper or have one of those chalk boards. It is so easy. I am more likely to order the special if I can read over the options...fucking assholes.

"The Nicknamer" Settle the fuck down buddy...relax...who do you think you are to just call your self the one who comes up with nicknames...and then even call yourself "the nicknamer"? Here is a nick about...Balloon knot...or...little brown ring...what else is another name for tell me nicknamer you fucking pussy.

Going to take a piss at a urinal and losing the contest...For all of you who do not know what the contest is and denies being a participant is full of shit...The contest is when you pull up to the urinal next to someone and from your first reaction your thinking..."oh I definitly have this loser beat, no way this chump has a bigger dick than me." Then you take your quick glance and find out that you look like a fucking infant and you have to retreat to the bar to regain your soaring confidence that you just road out from your last "W"...The times you lose are rough, but there is nothing like a fucking win...especially when you predicted a lose on yourself from the start...either way you live to play another day. By the way the contest has been around for ages...why do you think some bathrooms have those really small sketchy urinals that have no side panels and you have no choice but to see an entire row of wangs to your right and is fucking aweful. Might as well step up to the plate. I guess my only grievance is losing.

This so called rule that a guy has to go down on the girl before she goes down on you...Where the fuck did this come from...or how about when you go down on them and they still dont go down on you. This has only happened once and I was dumbfounded. I was like, "listen bitch I just spent 30 minutes down there in vietnam like conditions and I cant even score a quick knober?" Some nerve on these chicks...some nerve.

Condoms...enough said

Slow drivers in fast cars...stop being such as fucking worthless have $85,000 and 300 horses under your foot...just push down. Worst case scenario you get a fucking speeding ticket...join the club bitches.

People who actually slow down at yellow know who you are a bunch of pussies...yellow means go faster you asshole because you are about to get stuck in a red light if you slow down...Man that shit pisses me off!

People who post comments but never contribute a obviously spend enough time reading these fucking things and have enough time to post a comment, so why the fuck can't you send a list to it is on the top of our it because you are not funny enough or to much of a bitch...either way you suck know who you all are.


Saturday, October 22, 2005


--Last call at 2:00 A.M. I can’t tell you how many times I was ready to score with some Buss Station skank only to find out that I couldn’t score any MD 20/20 or Cisco to get her "in the mood." Lame

--Pizza delivery places that close at midnight. God damn-it it’s 12:39 and I want a fucking pizza. Half the population of San Diego is still up but our only option are the 24 hr burrito shacks. Now I love carne asada fries just as much as the next guy but I don’t want a DUI trying to score some late night food.

--Having booze at the house with no mixer. Now granted if we actually had some good shit I could drink straight I would not complain, but we buy the cheep shit. Two nights ago I slurpt down three shots of some dirty tequila just to pass out. I also don’t think I need professional help.

--No NHL this last year. Wait a minute, were on the West Coast, who gives a Flying Fuck about hockey? Go Gulls. Oh wait, hockey is back. We still don’t give a shit out here.

--Serving tables at Red Lobster. I’m sorry but the 5 months I was there was complete hell. I just love getting a $5.00 tip on a $200.00 tab. If you think that is okay than FUCK YOU ASSHOLE. I curse you and your entire family. You need to tip 15% to 20% of the total bill. If you need assistance on calculating the tip % ask your server. They will help all the DUMB-ASSES

--The 5 or 6 Spanish channels on cable we have to pay for. I don’t speak fucking Mexican. Why the hell do we need six channels showing Roadhouse dubbed en espanole? If I wanted to watch that shit I’d hop the trolley to TJ, buy some hookers, go to some swaggy hotel room and watch Telemundo while scoring a sweet BJ. Gooooooooaaaaaaaalll.

--No parking on one side of the street for street sweeping. This is just another ploy by big brother just to screw the little man. The streets don’t needed to be swept every fucking month on Wednesday from 7:00 A.M. to 10:00 A.M. $45 fucking dollars is a bit high. How bout just a little note under my windshield wiper. When I come home the night before and half the parking in PB is invalid, where the fuck am I supposed to park? I really want to push over that fucking go-kart the pretend-a-cops drive.

--People who need to but don’t ease. EASE muth Fuckas, EASE. You know who you are. Nuf said.

Friday, October 21, 2005

(By: The Rimmer)

--But I, sure as Tom Sizemore’s Meth addiction, don’t want to know. Because you got the head chef looking like Dennis Haysbert from Heat serving two 50-year Probation Sentences for pulling thrill-seeking Liquor Store Hold-Ups with a “Born To Lose” tattoo on his Chest.
--Are the Daily Specials catered to the fresh “snatch” of the day? I’m no stripper connoisseur, as far as you know, but I have never seen the daily Food trucks loading in and out at Strip Clubs. “I hear the Bass blanched w/ the Crème Freche Panties is absolutely divine Honey. Hey Grandma, what will you be having tonight.” …I don’t think so. You may think you know, but I don’t think you know.
--How’s the Anniversary scene there? If you’re there to celebrate the big occasion, is your marriage on the outs, or are you creepin’ on the come up, TLC-style. My guess is the two of you are swingin’.
-- Do you have to repay the cover after having had dinner at the Chicken Strip Joint? And does dinner for four over $300 constitute a Free Lap Dance for the kids. “Now Johnny, remember, when the song ends, throw her off your lap, or it’s going to cost me another $20 that I can’t put on the Amex.”

Thursday, October 20, 2005

FOUR DUMB THINGS TO DO AT A HOTEL (By Mike White's Friend Bob)**

1.) Take a dump, then invite your friends into the bathroom to watch as you pick it up with your bare hands out of the toilet, then proceed to Slam Dunk it back into the toilet.
2.) Roll a joint using page 666 from the bible.
3.) Build a fort then smoke so much inside it that you get dillusional and start accusing friends of stealing your non-existent waffles.
4.) Get wasted then drive to Jack-In-the-Box and sucker punch your friend in the face right in the middle of ordering 2 tacos for a dollar.

**First FunListFriday List sent from another country


1.randomly explosive diahrrea
2.tony danza appears with some advice, after all, he is the boss
3.Travolta, fatter than ever, slides in to teach some Saturday night fever moves
4.things on fire
5.Hot sluts getting pounded, but all you can see is the girl
6.lemeiux winks at you in the stands after a ridiculous through the legs upper
7.fat people, they're everywhere
8.hippies, I hate goddamn hippies...they say they wanna save the world, but all
they do is smell bad and smoke pot all day.
9.t. guy shows up sportin the meanest stash niceski ever seen and a sweet pair
of purple jean shorts. He has No input, just wanted to show off his gear/
10.trey parker and matt stone decide to randomly start singing the, "it's a
montage song" from team America and bone Victoria silvsted playmate of the year
on top of an American flag in the background


-Beat Jesus in a foot race across water.

-Minetti framed Roger Rabbit.

-Neil Armstrong was not the first man to walk on the was Minetti.

-Minetti was the second gunman involved in the Kennedy assassination.

-Minetti replaced the 1st Ultimate Warrior after he had a steroid overdose.

-Minetti was the first to sport the notorious dirt stache...yet was still able
to lay the mac down hard.

-Minetti fucked up David Blain and Kriss Angel in a magic fight. Minetti turned
both of them into a large Pu Pu Platter. Then proceeded to eat them.

-Minetti still holds the highest score in Pac-Man. Not to be confused with Ms.
Pac-Man which is for total H-mo's.

-American Gladiators was Minetti's idea.


1)If you look closely, you can spot Chuck Norris in nearly every scene of "Men in Black".
2)Chuck Norris hates cripples.
3)When Chuck Norris masturbates, a doorway to hell is opened, thus allowing demons to roam freely on the earth.
4)Chuck Norris auditioned for the lead role in the original 'Shaft', but was told he "wasn't black enough". In retaliation, he killed Martin Luther King jr.
5)Chuck Norris replaced Al in Home Improvement for one episode. Oddly enough, that was the only TV show he appeared on that no one laughed at.
6)Chuck Norris is one of the Twelve superhumans that can eat their own heads and live to tell the tale (using sign language).
7)While not officially a diplomat, Chuck Norris has his own seat at the United Nations. He walked into the building by accident in 1992 and sat down in a seat reserved for the representative from Denmark, who chose to sit indian style rather than risk asking him to leave.
8)The common dildo is modeled after Chuck Norris' penis.
9)Chuck Norris can recite the Monroe Doctrine with his anus.
10)When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Wednesday, October 19, 2005


Wayne Gretzky--Obviously the Great One is going to be in my fantasy party crew, but I'm talking pre-Janet Jones, blazing blond feather mullet, 1st Stanley Oiler cup era Gretzky. Besides the fact that he pulled more wool as a 17-year-old than the entire Canadian fur-trapping industry, he was also rocking herb the entire decade. Did you ever see those pictures of him back on his parent's farm? Where's Wayne? I don't know...oh, there he is, joyriding the tractor all bake-ayed and pulling donuts with Keith out in the field. He still has crazy party game, but back then he'd just stroll into a bar with Paul Coffey and Messier after lighting up some sieve for four goals, still wearing his blue Tuuk Daousts, and maybe some red and black flannel, and sloppy nufi chicks would be throwing pussy at him. Even fathers would be like "Hey Wayner, get my daughter pregnant, eh. I want my grandkid to play in the show." Mad Game. The only downside to having Gretz in your crew is that Marty McSorely will be calling constantly looking to skeez into the scene and you know that guy brings the heaviest of heavy vibes.

Jack Black--Considering how many times me and my friends, and you and your friends, have drunk dialed his cellphone, I would already consider Jack Black one of my crew. Did you see him punt Ron Burgundy's dog Baxter off that bridge in Anchorman? That guy parties hard and I barely even have to mention the "D" and he's lighting up the ladies with a tribute to the greatest song of all time.

Slash and Duff (Prime Guns & Roses Era)--As far as I'm concerned, Slash is G'NR ever since Axl decided to spend the last decade on a Bowflex only to resurface with braids, a Raiders jersey and Buckethead. What the Fuck?!! Slash and Duff are like the definition of 80s party, plus latenight we can all go back to the crib and they can mellow out the entire 'Lies' album on acoustics while The Great One rolls sticky doobs till the sun comes up.

Roy Scheider--No not Deuce Bigalow, I'm talking ROY Scheider, aka, Chief Brody of Jaws fame. Aside from a career ending stint on Seaquest, Scheids was stellar starring with Gene Hackman in The French Connection (arguably the best buddy cop duo movie ever) and did I mention he fucking killed Jaws, twice!! Once with a shotgun into the scuba tank as the boat was sinking, and he still had enough strength to kickboard it back to shore(probably over three miles) and once by holding an electrical rod two feet from his body and letting the 30 foot shark bite it. This old timers got balls the size of zeppelins. Imagine him at a bar? He probably dares chicks to turn him down.

Rick Petko--Without a doubt the best bike builder in the OCC garage, plus he's not an ego trip. While Jr. and Sr. are throwing less-than-hetero diva hissy fits at each other, guess whos toughing it out in the trenches making sure the bikes get built in time? You guessed it--Rick fucking Petko. The only time he takes a break is to blowdry his freebird feather mull or to three-quarter cut the sleeves on his OCC gear like he's a minor league shortstop. His wife is probably hot as shit but he still parties it up with the crew at night just to get some laughs before he goes home all perfectly buzzed and stuffs her like a thanksgiving turkey.

Bob from China Lion--As far as I'm concerned this little yellow man is a straight up legend. He opens the best Chinese restaurant in the tri-state area, never forgets a face even though its obviously packed every night, gives you a tease of what heaven might taste like if it were stir-fryed in a Sesame/Szechaun combo dish, then shuts up shop and goes way underground like Chin. Buck Chin, the realtor? No Animal Chin you tard! Not to mention the instant street cred you'd get showing up at a party with a mythic figure like this in your crew, but you know the gang is gonna wanna grub nasty late night, and Bob just appears out of nowhere with a huge order of Spare Ribs all "Who Hungwee?"


The Rockers--Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannety wore more neon spandex than a Rainbow Day Parade and The Tour De France combined but they totally partied. I'd rock hi fives with these guys all night, and they rock hi fives with each other after blowing a bunch of coke and Double Teaming someones hot little sister in her parents' bedroom.

Wooderson--The man of the woods. This guys all about good times. The party at the moontower was his idea, in case you dont remember. While Affleck was crying in his beer because the party at Prickfords busted, this soldier was out collecting for kegs and spreading the word about a new fiesta in the making. Plus he always has a bunch of young chicks around so Slash and Duff can get their Statuator on.

Dangerous Hasselhoff--I caught this one episode of Knight Rider the other night where Mitch and Kit had to track down this outlaw who was played by David Hasselhoff as well, but he had a Marion Cobretti beard and wore a black wife beater with a grey trench. Yeah I know, total Double Impact bizzaro world, but it was kind of cool. I mean seriously, most people I know think Hasselhoff is a total creep anyway, but now imagine the director being like "okay David, we need to you to be you, but as creepy as possible." Mindfuck, right. Sure, I wouldn't show up to a party with him, or let him see the crew's secret handshake, but I'd keep watch at the bathroom door while he upperdecked the toilet.

Willie Nelson--Otherwise known as OG Willie Nelson, this dude is for real. I always picture showing up at a party and Willie's camped out in a recliner by the keg with a harem of hot Almost Famous-looking groupies hanging all over him. Of course he just blitzkreiged them with some of his Amsterdam stash, but hey, thats how OG's roll, rookie. He doesn't even have to trip about anal bombing either, college girls are just like, all slow: "do whatever Willie, I'm totally baaaaked."

Slash and Duff (Velvet Revolver Era)--This might be a little Bill and Ted weird for Slash and Duff (Prime Guns And Roses Era) to deal with, but Slash and Duff (Velvet Revolver Era) are still pretty cool. Not "crew" cool, but cool in like a, "yeah I'm sober, but I'm alive, and I owe it all to martial arts" kind of way.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Top Eight Names of Port-o-pottys(By Robby Malomar)

1. The royal flush

2. Johnny on the spot

3. Stop and drop

4. The Drop Box

5. Positioning for relief

6. Santa's first stop

7. The stop and go

8. The Can Can

Wednesday, October 12, 2005


Be a Jedi Pornstar

Win the PGA Tour

Hustle teenagers in mini golf

Jedi Pool Shark

Play center field and bat fourth for the Yanks in the playoffs

Give AROD hitting lessons

Convince my boss for a raise stricly because he knows I have Jedi powers and there is nothing he can do. Also I would get Monday's and Fridays off like I was in college still...I would make my Boss build a landing platform on the roof of my building for my space cruiser. By the way I would convince the annoying girl who sits next to me to make me a PB & J sandwich every morning for breakfast with the crust cut off.

Go to the gym and pump iron to make the meat heads look like Rick Springfield

Win the worlds strongest man contest and Out Door Sports Competition

Wrestle a wild gator

Make a Great White Shark cry

Make the band Great White cry

Convince the rap community that they are not hard, gangster, thug like, phat, dirty, lil, playas, or even hatters...Then I would make them all think that Boys II Men is where it is at and that Lionel Ritchie is everyones father.

Go to Irag on a secret covert operation with nothing but a black cape, hand gun, machine gun, light sabor, and a pack of Reds...I would tell no one about the mission and forever the government will try to understand how we put an end to the war on terror.

Brainwash Orlando Bloom into thinking he is actually a Barbie Doll and never even was an actor.

Convince all the teenage pop star chicks that they belong in porno geting filled out like the common application by Jedi Pornstar Source2

Erase the idea that Coby vs Macango has been the last list for 5 weeks.