Magicians…WTF? (Obviously Source2)

Why won’t a magician tell you how they did the trick? I mean come on…what’s the big fucking deal, I’m not going to tell your boss and I sure as hell am not going to remember it or write it down so that I too can become a magician/creep and put you out of business. Yea man, when I grow up I want to be really into magic. Please

Every time you ask a magician how they did it they tell you “A great magician never reveals his secret” YOUR KIDDING RIGHT? Get over your self and your entire devotion to the underground world of illusionists, black magic, and jokers. You do card tricks on a side walk for crying out loud, you’re not the one and only Chris Angel Mind Freak. Mind Freak can just stare at you until he makes you tell him how you did that trick. I seen him

Why aren’t there any female magicians? The answer is simple…the word creep has never been used in the history of the world to describe a female. “Oh that chick is a creep man”…nope never happens…Magicians are creeps

Who picks out your gear? Why is that you have to dress like a cross between Zoro, Ninja Gaiden, and Jack the Ripper? You are already doing something in public that is suspect and considered creepy and really a lame ass job unless you are Mind Freak or Blain, so don’t make it harder for yourself by dressing like you are on some other mythical level. I saw you behind the stand before you put your outfit on and you were sporting rip jean shorts and a Wade Boggs t shirt with high tops. I’m so on to your bullshit career.

Why do you perform at little kids birthday parties? Is this because they are too young to catch on to the fact that you are full of shit or because you are a creep and you love partying with kids? OH and by the way tell your equally….wait….actually…WAY more creepy counterparts the balloon animal artist and the ventriloquists to go fuck themselves. That profession pushes it to the limit man. I am seriously who was sitting around one day and was like, “Wait a minute here…I could get those really long thin balloons right…and then I can blow them up and transform them into different zoo animals and give them to little kids as gifts at carnivals, theme parks, and birthday parties. No way I will be as sketchy as the magicians…it is the perfect idea” or your just sitting around thinking, “what if I did stand up comedy but instead of me speaking I will talk through a puppet that’s next to me and I wont move my lips so the audience ACTUALLY THINKS THE DOLL IS SPEAKING”…that’s not entertainment it’s a sick fetish….WAKE UP FUCKFACES YOU ARE ALL OUT OF LINE

Why do you dicks always have to crash weddings? I would rather have my dessert and coffee while talking to my friends then trying to guess how many fingers you have behind your back. Jesus. Pick a card any card, when you pick it place anywhere back in the deck…I’m not looking at all mind you…did you do it yet? Did you pick your card?? SHUT THE FUCK UP MAN. You are never going to tell me how you did the trick anyway so I am not playing…so go harass that guy over there; I think his kids are here.

Did you actually go to Magic school or did you just order shit out of the back of the sketchy pages in Popular Science magazine? You know… where you can order all types of illegal shit when you were a kid like, scramblers, sling shots, spy equipment, phone taps, and of course magic trick books and props. Anything you purchase that deals or actually requires a money order = suspect

Was your father a magician? I am just trying to figure out how one gets so determined to do this in the first place

Was your grandfather a wizard? I just don’t see any other way someone just picks this out of the book of jobs if it isn’t in your DNA. THAT’S IT!!! I’ll be a Magician!!! Chicks dig magicians…

Is it true that all magician’s have a secret shrine to David Copperfield and his sweet hair?

ADULT NO NO's (Source2, KId Springsteen, BauerOUT, LHawk)

No way in hell should you have adult Braces and or retainer/headgear

Adult Diapers (so so so so so so suspect) even more suspect if you like to dress up like an oversized baby and have a bottle and little nursery with a twisted sex fetish. EASE

You should not be at little league game if your kid is not playing

You should not be at kiddy pool if you dont have kids. Major NO NO if you are in the pool

Adult Twins are under serious suspicion and are a MAJOR NO NO. THink about the last time you actually saw two adult twins together hanging out? its just not right people, grow up and split up already..MAJOR NO NO IF STILL WEARING MATCHING CLOTHES

You should not be seen at a bowling alley with other adult friends using the gutter bumpers

Not knowing how to drive a stick shift car? Your an adult for crying out loud, you cant do it? dont give me this i never learned how crap, it is a matter of survival.

Dying your hair and wearing a Rolling Stones tee

Shaving your head when you start to go bald, like come on guy, we all know what’s going on here

Jean shorts- They weren’t cool when you were young, what makes you think they are now?

Joining a gang after the age of 20. I know gang bangers age into OG's but if you hit 40 and decide you want to shank someone fine, but dont do it as initiation into your nephews gang

You are not allowed to play in the ballroom playhouse at McDonalds no matter what. i know it looks like fun, becuase it is, but you are an adult now and you need to start acting like one...im sorry but those are the rules

Lobster Bibs...seriously how fucking retarded are you?...why dont i just bring you a kid seat while we are at it and us adults over here can make fun of you while we eat because you look like a baby...you probably have diaper rash so ease...you want your baba? You are a 45 year old adult male, act like one, dont spill on your shirt

No way should you be earing double runner hockey skates...these people hang out at the outdoor rink in NYC and do exist...GROW UP...the decison to strap two blades onto your new balances or Nike Airs is completely obsurd for a 32 yr old husband.

You can not be seen eating a happy meal at any time. this includes ordering happy meals for your kids but then eating them with your kids. You cant do that, order from the big boy menu. Your not fooling anyone with that secret obession to get close to Ronald, Hamburglar, Grimace and Birdie the Early Bird. Everyone wants the toy but you need to let it go.

Having a sleep over at another adult friends house...i dont even need to go into detail on this one.

Participating in an adult Baseball camp affoliated with a major leage team like the Dodgers...ok folks you need to look in the miror and come to the realization that you suck at baseball. if you were any good you would have made it to the big leagues already and this should be obvious to you when you struck out in T Ball and never made the babe ruth squad

Lollipops...Ever see a 40 year old man walking in a suit comming from the train station with a blowpop in his mouth? exactly because that is a major NO NO. Major Major NO NO If it is one of the rainbow giant circled ones

Ordering chop sticks with the rubber bands when at a chinese restaurant

Stealing a foul ball from some 6 year old at a baseball game
for yourself

Wearing floaties when in a pool

What I'm Thinking About While Waiting on Hold Forever With My Health Insurance Claims Department (by Kid Springsteen)

--I'm starving

--Does anyone endorse this smooth jazz elevator muzak? Seriously, where was I when the marketing department of some universal corporation was like: "okay, we're gonna go with casio bass and synthesized clarinet for melody. Maybe even some cascades of wind chimes to simulate the soothing sounds of rain on a windowsill. Any objections? No? Good, on to the next item on the list."

--I wonder if the guy who wrote this has health insurance? I'm also picturing him with a pony tail and a turtleneck in his all white apartment with black vinyl furniture balancing his time between laying down a solid Casio bass line and double-checking his last move on online dungeons and dragons. His name is miles or niles and he never gets laid but he still still thinks life is groovy.

--If my cellphone dies or loses reception at this point I might murder someone.

--What would it feel like to be the Last of the Mohicans. Prolly pretty sweet.

--What is earwax all about?

--Customer service doesn't provide answers anymore. They just provide directions and redirections. "Let me redirect your call to accounts receivable. How can I direct your call? I can't answer your query, but let me direct you to someone who can." Listen bitch, I don't mean to be rude but I've been on hold for 20 fucking minutes and I just want a few answers. Don't say your position is customer service and then not be able to give me any fucking answers. If I walk into an elevator and ask the doorman to press the floor for the billing department, I'm not expecting that the mother fucker will just up and turn into the woman in billing, with all my insurance info in a file right there. That is why I would be considered out of line for strangling the elevator guy if my claim gets denied. Just make like a voice message menu and let me press the number I need to get where I need to go for help. You pretending to help me by saying you are Customer Service when you clearly don't know shit is just going to make my fury cauldron boil that much more aggressively.

--whoa, "fury cauldron", where did that come from.

--I would kill some Walter's hot dogs right now.

--Maybe it would be totally lonely to be the Last Mohican. Damn, what a bummer. No friends. Except Daniel Day.

--That soundtrack was fucking awesome. I wish they played that while I'm on hold. Instead of Niles' Calypso Spring mix #3

Possible names for websites to visit if you are serious about becoming a gym teacher (Source2, BauerOUT, Kid Springsteen)


1. Fitnessfury.com

2. Squatthrustsmakemehappy.net

3. Takealap.com

4. Themonkeybarway.com

5. Cargonetsecrets.org

6. Archyourbackforabridge.com

7. ShirtsNskins.net

8. Capturetheflag.org

9. Funblowingwhistle.com

10. Kickballfuture.com

11. hittheshowers.com

12. passthebaton.org

13. 50yard-com.

14. Thehangingropeisyourfriend.net

If you have any ideas of your own feel free to email me at Shuttleruniswhere.i.excel@gmail.com