Fun List Fridays

We Present: Random Lists of Distinctly Selected Items. If you would like to contribute a list, please email us funlistfridays@gmail.com and include your list, list title, and post name in the body of the email. We do not discriminate or edit.

Thursday, May 27, 2004

THINGS GUYS SHOULD NEVER SAY TO WOMEN THAT HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN SAID TO ME AND/OR MY FRIENDS AT SOME POINT
(Jessica Eslinger, cute men's league hockey groupie)

Come here and call me 'Uncle Vinny"
Are you from Tenessee? Cause you're the only Ten I See
Its my bachelor party...you're supposed to kiss me. Bitch.
What, you want me to buy you a drink or something?
My wife just died. She'd like this place...she'd like you.
Real...fake...real...fake. Look how they bounce...I'll go with real.
I can tell you work out--let me crack your back.
You're like one of those "Sex In The City" California sluts, aren't you?
I like 'em thick
My girlfriend is nothing like you--thats why I need you so much!
I've dated all kind of girls, even ones like you.
I promise I'll never cheat on you...again.
I have a really small penis--you'd be surprised.
You're hot but smart, and I don't want to work that hard
I need your help planning my friend's bachelor party and I want it to be real dirty. You're boyfriend is still coming, right?
How can it be wrong if it feels so right?

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

POSSIBLE USAGES FOR THE WORD, "SCENE”

Would you look at this SCENE?
This bar looks sweet. Do you want to check out the SCENE?
What do you guys wants to do tonight? “ I say we go to Casey Rybacks place. Heard it’s the SCENE.
“Lets stand over here and form a SCENE. Chicks dig that.”
Your buddy takes you to some lame ass party, which he promised would be sweet. You go there only to see that there are no girls, a stocked cooler of Zima’s and The Best of Debarge playing on full volume. Your initial reaction is, “ Dude, this party is not the SCENE.”
We should create a SCENE, and invite people there to party.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

THINGS THAT JUST CROSSED MY MIND WHILE WAITING FOR THE CHECK AT THE 24 HOUR DINER(Source2)


I just ate a three egg omlette with bacon and waffle fries with a white russian on top of the nine Bass ales I had on tap at the bar with chilli dog.
I wonder what the damage is going to be like in the bathroom when I get home. Are we talking "push and wait?" or "river wild?" I worry about these things.It can ruin my sleep pattern for at least three days.
I think this G13 im toking is making me forget who I came here with.
When I get home should I watch Segal in "Under Siege 2 Dark Territory" or Van Damme in "TimeCop"??? Fuck what do I do?
This waiter is sweating everywhere
Actually I think I'll watch "Dream a little Dream" with Corey Feldman
What is this, Russia? This isnt't Russia is it?
Should I go to that Japanese Spa tommorrow and get a happy ending?

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

LIST OF ABBREVIATIONS: "WOMEN SEEKING MEN" CLASSIFIEDS
(Matt Geiszler)

CODE WORD..............MEANS

40-ish.................48
Adventurer.............More sexual partners than you will ever have
Artist.................Unreliable
Beautiful..............Pathological liar
Emotionally Secure.....Medicated
Educated...............College dropout
Employed...............Stuffs envelopes at home
Free Spirit............Substance abuser
Friendship First.......Trying to live down reputation of slut
Light Drinker..........Lush
Loves Animals..........Cat Lady
Non-Traditional........Ex-husband lives in basement
Open-minded............desperate
Outgoing...............Surfs the web, extensively
Spiritual..............Involved with cult
Tan....................Wrinkled
Wants Soulmate.........One step away from stalking

Monday, May 17, 2004

WAYS TO 'PUNK' ASHTON KUCHER

Poison his drink. After he drinks it tell him: "Don't worry man, I didn't just poison your drink." Wait to see if he cries or if he just thinks he's being punk'd.

Kidnap his parents. Tell him you shot them. Wait to see if he cries or if he just thinks he's being punk'd. If he doesn't cry then go ahead and shoot his parents.

Pay Bruce Willis to bust in on him and Demi Moore having sex and then beat the ever living shit out of Ashton Kusher until he either cries or thinks he's being punk'd.

Start a rumour that he and Puff Daddy are dating.

Demi Moore: I have genital warts
Ashton Kusher: No way dawg, you're punkin' me.
Demi Moore: Am I?
(Get Bruce Willis to confirm on Genital Warts)
(For additional Punk'd Evidence, get Patrick Swayze to confirm on Genital Warts from a brief hookup during the filming of GHOST)

Pay police to "pretend" to arrest him. Pay jury to "pretend" to convict him. Pay judge to "pretend" to sentence him. Pay prison guards to "pretend" not to watch as some guy named Bubba makes him his bitch for 5-10 years.


REALITY TV SHOWS I HAVE PITCHED TO MY FRIENDS AND THEY HAVE ASSURED ME WILL NEVER AIR ON ANY NETWORK. EVER.

Any of my Punk'd scenarios.
Who Wants To Marry A Guy With A Million Get Rich Quick Schemes
Junk'd--Shoot a junkie up with heroin. Send him to a first grade class for show and tell. Watch him freak out.
Iron Chef in 3rd World Country--Same scenario as normal Iron Chef: chefs make a series of dishes all containing a special ingredient, except this time Chefs have to use swords to fight off famished kids who attempt to steal ingredients.
Nuns Gone Wild
Pimp My Braces--Yo its the blingbling millenium, baby, pimp those shits out. Xzibit finds someone with some fucked up British-ass teeth and pimps out a fresh set of braces for 'em. Hydraulics, gold caps, Spreewheels, an X-Box, whatever. Live large biatch!
Ghetto Survivor--Drop some skinny white suburban hippies off in the Chicago ghettos. One team wears flourescent pink jumpsuits, the other wears flourescent green jumpsuits. The object is to steal as many blood or crip bandanas as you can without, you know, getting shot. Instead of getting voted off the island, you get shot. Last man standing wins an autographed Tony Danza softball jersey.
ACTUAL LIST OF MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS THAT I FOUND WHILE LOOKING IN MY CLOSET FOR AN OLD PHOTO ALBUM--PROBABLY WRITTEN CIRCA 1986 AS THAT IS WHEN MY HAMPSTER, RALPH, DIED

Remember to feed Ralph
Try to eat more vegetables at dinner
Practice being Han Solo

PACIFIC BEACH BAR SCENE LINGO

Coreys, Chads, Shanes--San Diego meatheads with huge muscles, small vocabularies, and frosted tips in their hair. Can usually be found chugging at "$2 you call its" near the beach and staring at girls' tits. Always travel in packs of at least 4.

Cougars--Single or divorced women in their 30's who pretend they're 26 and go to bars to pick up young guys. Tell-tale signs are wrinkles, unhealthy artificial tans, gaudy jewelry, they look like friend's of your mom, and/or they smoke Menthol cigarettes. Make sure you card these cougars.

Cinches--These girls, usually a friend of a friend, are the drunkest girls at the bar and they'll fuck you first and introduce themselves later. Only go home with them as a last resort, and even then, see if they'll let you film it or something. Be careful spending too much time talking to a Cinch at a bar because their ill reputations may scar your chances of getting with a respectable girl later.

Lot Lizards--More often than not of the male species, Lot Lizards get absolutely obliterated wasted at home and then mosey down to the bars during closing time. They will bum cigarettes, make loud annoying comments and try to pick up on any girl within a 20 yard radius. At best Lot Lizards are somewhat charming, but usually manage to repeat jokes/questions and/or pass out mid-sentence and are regarded by most as "creepy." Not even Cinches go home with Lot Lizards, although occasionaly...they do.

Flower Sellers--There are three women in PB who wander through the bars at about 1am selling flowers for a dollar. Whats up with them?

Comedy Clubbers a.k.a Butterfaces--(pronounced "but her face") Girls with slamming bodies but faces that are usually scarred with acne, braces, unusually large cold sores, or facial hair. Butterfaces obviously look better the more you drink, so like comedy clubs, they usually come with a two drink minimum. If you're attracted to a butterface, go for it; chances are you're not the most attractive fish in the sea anyway.

Zipperheads--Typical PB girls out on the town. Cute,blond hair, tight black sex pants, white tank top. Most likely the owner of a dolphin tattoo on their ankle or small of their back. Zipperheads are the first targets that Lot Lizards hit on, and always get turned down quickly. Zipperheads love attention, unless you're ugly or poor. Like palm trees, these girls are an enormous presence in Pacific Beach. Conversations with palm trees have been quoted as being more stimulating.

Hot Girl/Ugly Guy--This social enigma has baffled scholars since the dawn of time. Hot girls date ugly guys. Possible theories on this mystery have been: the guy is rich, the guy has a porsche, the guy has a hot tub, the guy knows how to use hypnosis(see David Copperfield and Claudia Schiffer). One would likely believe that the guy has a great personality, but tests have shown that the more you want to make out with a Hot Girl, the more you will hate her Ugly Boyfriend.

Droopy Face Girl--You know who you are! You are out at the bars everynight, and the last time I saw you your droopy assed face was going home with some 40 year old date rapist. You have a nice personality, why do you settle for these assholes!

WAYS I STAY BUSY IN CLASS(Source2)

Autograph my entire notebook with my name as well as accomplished martial arts Hollywood Stars.
Make lists
Write song lyrics
Think of things to do when my high runs out.
Draw pictures of my friends mom THINKING about anal.
Look around the classroom thinking about which chicks I would or would not screw.
Look around the classroom thinking about which chicks I would or would not score Blow Job from.
Contemplate the possibility of fitting TI-83 calculator up 5 foot tall Pakistani teachers ass.
How fast I could actually shit my pants if I concentrate.
Think about easier ways to make money.
Dream about making a living off Funlistfridays
TYPICAL OUTFIT OF VERMONT LOCAL, JOGGING PAST MY WINDOW(Source2)

Spandex pants, with grey sweat shorts over them.
Very colorful shoes. Almost blinding.
Turtle Neck
Sweat shirt that is only worn while jogging. Could never actually be worn in social community.It is usually some shitty "We should have won this year's championship" Red Sox sweat shirt from like 1986.
Reflector Vest
A purple NIKE head band that screams, "Go For It!"
THE WORST THINGS A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A GUY(Source2)

"Well...You're kinda...well...How do I say this?...creepy?..yea..You're kinda creepy."
"Your penis is a decent size."
"Awwww...I think you're balls are so cute"
"You remind me of my sister"
"When are you going to give up that stupi street hockey dream?"
"You're the worst lay ever...ever"
"Now I get to put the dildo up YOUR ass!"
"Look, you're really nice but..."
"Ramone is my personal trainer...nothing more."

Sunday, May 16, 2004

THE FUNNIEST THINGS THAT I HEARD AND WROTE DOWN AT A PARTY IN BURLINGTON AND DID NOT TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT UNTIL NOW.(Source2)


"You're looking good babe, you doin' Pilates?"

GUY: Do you want me to walk you home?
GIRL: No, if I let you walk me home I might ask you to come home with me.
GUY: What?

Random Broad: Do you think you could come over to my dorm room tomorrow, I need help moving my bed?
Random Guy: What? Like forward and back?

"I love to give the 'How you doin' head nod to the boyfriend of the chick I just fucked."

"If I ever see you in Burlington, you're DEAD MEAT!

"Dude, don't tell anyone, but...I shit in the upper deck of the toilet in the bathroom upstairs"
THE WORST POSSIBLE GIFTS I HAVE EVER RECEIVED...EVER(Source2)

My cleaning lady gives me a copy of Steven Seagal smash hit Out for Justice en espanol.
A box of condoms expired 1987
The best of Milli Vanilli on cassette
The DVD boxset of Saved by the Bell,"The NEW class"
My cleaning lady gives me a 1991 Luc Robitaille hockey card, which is weird, because I lost it in 1991.
Tickets to see Menudo Live with backstage passes
A copy of Mein Kampf
Carton of NewPorts
A gun rack
A box of those little plastic things on the end of your shoelaces, what are those things called anyway? They don't have a name?

Thursday, May 13, 2004

VAN HALEN SONGS THAT COULD BE ABOUT GETTING/GIVING ORAL SEX BACKSTAGE
(With Help From Ben Kolp.The list, not the oral sex)

Eruption
Diver Down
Pleasure Dome
Sucker in a 3 piece
Ice Cream Man
Give To Live
Finish What Ya Started
You're No Good


LYRICS TO THE AIR SUPPLYHIT SONG "THE ONE THAT YOU LOVE" AS FORMATTED IN A LIST

1)Now that the night has gone
2)Now that the night has gone away
3)Doesn't seem that long
4)We hardly had two words to say
5)Hold me in your arms
6)For just another day
7)I promise this one will go slow
8)oh
9)We have the right to know
10)We have the right to know
11)Don't say the mornings come
12)Don't say the mornings come so soon
13)Must we end this way
14)When so much here is hard to lose
15)Love is everywhere
16)I know it is
17)Such moments as this
18)Are too few
19)Oh
20)Its all up to you
21)Its all up to you
22)Here I am
23)The one that you love
24)Askin' for another day
25)Understand the one that you loves
26)Loves you in so many ways