ACTUAL LIST OF MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS THAT I FOUND WHILE LOOKING IN MY CLOSET FOR AN OLD PHOTO ALBUM--PROBABLY WRITTEN CIRCA 1986 AS THAT IS WHEN MY HAMPSTER, RALPH, DIED

Remember to feed Ralph
Try to eat more vegetables at dinner
Practice being Han Solo

PACIFIC BEACH BAR SCENE LINGO

Coreys, Chads, Shanes--San Diego meatheads with huge muscles, small vocabularies, and frosted tips in their hair. Can usually be found chugging at "$2 you call its" near the beach and staring at girls' tits. Always travel in packs of at least 4.

Cougars--Single or divorced women in their 30's who pretend they're 26 and go to bars to pick up young guys. Tell-tale signs are wrinkles, unhealthy artificial tans, gaudy jewelry, they look like friend's of your mom, and/or they smoke Menthol cigarettes. Make sure you card these cougars.

Cinches--These girls, usually a friend of a friend, are the drunkest girls at the bar and they'll fuck you first and introduce themselves later. Only go home with them as a last resort, and even then, see if they'll let you film it or something. Be careful spending too much time talking to a Cinch at a bar because their ill reputations may scar your chances of getting with a respectable girl later.

Lot Lizards--More often than not of the male species, Lot Lizards get absolutely obliterated wasted at home and then mosey down to the bars during closing time. They will bum cigarettes, make loud annoying comments and try to pick up on any girl within a 20 yard radius. At best Lot Lizards are somewhat charming, but usually manage to repeat jokes/questions and/or pass out mid-sentence and are regarded by most as "creepy." Not even Cinches go home with Lot Lizards, although occasionaly...they do.

Flower Sellers--There are three women in PB who wander through the bars at about 1am selling flowers for a dollar. Whats up with them?

Comedy Clubbers a.k.a Butterfaces--(pronounced "but her face") Girls with slamming bodies but faces that are usually scarred with acne, braces, unusually large cold sores, or facial hair. Butterfaces obviously look better the more you drink, so like comedy clubs, they usually come with a two drink minimum. If you're attracted to a butterface, go for it; chances are you're not the most attractive fish in the sea anyway.

Zipperheads--Typical PB girls out on the town. Cute,blond hair, tight black sex pants, white tank top. Most likely the owner of a dolphin tattoo on their ankle or small of their back. Zipperheads are the first targets that Lot Lizards hit on, and always get turned down quickly. Zipperheads love attention, unless you're ugly or poor. Like palm trees, these girls are an enormous presence in Pacific Beach. Conversations with palm trees have been quoted as being more stimulating.

Hot Girl/Ugly Guy--This social enigma has baffled scholars since the dawn of time. Hot girls date ugly guys. Possible theories on this mystery have been: the guy is rich, the guy has a porsche, the guy has a hot tub, the guy knows how to use hypnosis(see David Copperfield and Claudia Schiffer). One would likely believe that the guy has a great personality, but tests have shown that the more you want to make out with a Hot Girl, the more you will hate her Ugly Boyfriend.

Droopy Face Girl--You know who you are! You are out at the bars everynight, and the last time I saw you your droopy assed face was going home with some 40 year old date rapist. You have a nice personality, why do you settle for these assholes!