GUEST LIST FOR THE 'GEARHEART BBQ SAUCE' AFTERPARTY HELD IN MY BATHROOM LAST NIGHT AKA TYPES OF DOODIE (By The Gearheart 3)

--Mud Butt
--Stink Butt
--Rot Butt
--Spray Fart
--Sting Ring
--Red Eye
--Doodie Crayon
--Grumpie
--Grumpee
--Splatter
--Espresso Drip
--Shit Stain
--Brown Town
--Corn Dump
--Slobby Brown
--Kenny Corndump Stabone
--Leaky Faucet
--Turtle Head
--Dragon's Child
--Son of Dork
--Poop Plop
--Long Brown Snake
--Baby Food
--Hangover Black
--Satan's Wrath
--Crotch Rot
--Hershey Squirts
--Birth of The Brown
--Captain Caramel

TOP 10 THINGS YOU CAN ONLY GET AWAY WITH IF YOU ARE FAMOUS (Source 2)

1. Famous people, example...you're in a band, decide they can rock whatever outfit they want and no one says shit. wtf? all of a sudden youre a guitar player and you can pant your nails black, sport croc leather boots, leather pants, some fish net medieval armor shirt, color your hair bright green, throw some wrist bands on and sport a scarf and make up and actually walk down the street like that and people think you are cool. youre not even on stage which would be i guess accepted...if i were to sport that shit, people would think i was a cross dressing video game nut who was most likely bi polar and thought he could fly.

2. You can be a drug addict and show up in the papers passed out in the drivers seat of a crashed dominos delivery car that you stole with so much snow on your lap that school would be canceled or at least a 2 hour delay, and people think you are cool and would be interested in reading your rehab blog and myspace. If i were to do that i would be arrested, fired from my job, dismissed from my family, and would probably be released under the terms of picking up trash along the west side highway for five years and laughed at by people driving by. someone might even call me a fag while throwing more trash at me as they passed.

3. You could be so ugly your face looks like a bullpen catchers mit but you are a wildly famous reality tv star. You then follow the rules and perks of actual famous people and begin to adopt the "whatever i want " wardrobe and begin to break the law on a daily basis. You also are dating a hot chick. If a normal ugly dude has a hot girlfriend then he falls into the category of what she doing with that dude or he must be rich or he probably just has a huge wang. BS

4. You have so much money that you dont even have to pay for anything. Famous people get shit for free but they are the ones that can afford everything. they should have to pay double for everything, especially if they are dressed up like an asian ninja virtual avitar furrie and they are actually white and jewish.

5. You can write a blog and people want to read it just because your famous. I dont care about reading a famous persons blog because i have my own blog that makes fun of those people. i have never read a famous persons blog.

6. You can come out with your own clothing line and people will actually sport your dumb shit. this is crazy. Pdiddy i guess pulled it off but it is really just nautica gear with sean jean written in script instead. im on to you puff daddy

7. You can change your name mad times like Sean Combs, Puff Daddy, Pdiddy, diddy, sean jean...jesus man just pick already we know who you are and your not a secret agent for the cia who needs different names and passports. go hang out with prince or the artist, or however you pronouce the symbol that is his name now

8. You can get pulled over by the cops and just sign an autograph instead of walking the line. Normal people get DWI, speeding tickets, the rubber glove and the cop takes your picture with his friend and puts it on the cop blog or the cop myspace. that doesnt really happen but it would be mad funny if those dicks did that

9. You can be a "has been" B list celebrity, one hit wonder, or the most famous loser on american idol and people still think you are cool and make a big deal when they spot you in an airport. Like hey, there is the older brother from the wonder years, quick lets call him a butthead and take a picture with him. Well WTF!! I am way cooler than wayne and have run trains on chicks before with my friend turtle and i play the meanest air guitar and used to smoke marb reds and no picture with me?

10. You can take famous to an entire different global level if you out yourself and jump out of the closet dressed like a showgirl. America is into that these days. If a normal person did that they would just be called...well...a homo and will get made fun of

REASONS WHY I THINK THIS PHOTO RULES AND Kid Springsteens reaction to seeing it(Source2 and Kid Springsteen)



1. Spud Mackenzie actually had Party Faves
2. His band name is Spud and the party animals
3. He is sporting sick shades and what appears to be snake skin garment
4. He looks like he is going to shred Money for Nothing at any given moment
5. He looks way cooler than Tom Cruise in Risky Business with those shades.

Kid Springsteen Reaction:

HaHa! Money for Nothing, totally.

I feel like Spuds Mackenzie just got famous for being this total Party Animal (dog) and people liked having him at parties obvously 'cause he had theme music and party faves and rolled with a posse of bitches, but then he kind of got too heavy into the partying and fame thing and they made a cartoon featuring him and he lost his sponsorship with Bud Light 'cause he peed on the carpet in their office when he was waaasted, and got mixed up in this super sketchy prank-gone-wrong where he was in a Punk'd War with Garfield cause they used to be boyz, but then Spuds got famous and they kind of went there separate ways, but Garfield owed him some money so Spuds and his gang decided to kidnap Odie like in Alpha Dog but everyone was waaay fucked up and Spuds was like 'yo, give Odie that Bud Light Guitar' and some lasagna and we'll take a picture of him and send it to Garfield', but all of Spuds friends were like, nah dood, Odie is straight edge, everyone knows that, don't mess. so Spuds went on this total blow freakout session and kicked everyone out and then he was like, fuck it, just take a picture of me with this killer Bud Light axe and this new solo I just invented. Wooo!

The whole time Huey Lewis Hip To Be Square is blaring in the background and the fat guy from 21 jump street is trying to make a bong out of an apple, a snorkel and two rubberbands.

THINGS I DO NOT WANT TO SEE AT THE BEACH (Source2, Danny Tanners Stand Up Act, Feenetti)

1. Hair Diaper spilling out of bikini bottoms. (EASE you silver back guerrilla)

2. Tally Wackers!

3. French Men

5. Elephant Boy

6. Weird Al

7. Outee belly buttons

8. People with medal detectors…grow UP…your not going to find any treasure you fucking goonie

9. people with banana hammocks

10. hairy armypits on woman

11. speedos

12. two piece bathing suits on men

13. two piece bathing suits on woman who need to be wearing one piece

14. an adult without kids making a sand castle by turning filled sand pals over

15. GO GO RONNIE getting banged doggystyle by DINO behind the snack bar

16. Naked little kids - listen parents we don't wanna see your little kid rolling around in the sand ass naked... Not cool

17. Nude men - its not a fuckin nude beach you fag

18. people playing badmitton...WTF? this is the worst game ever and why do people think the beach is the right place for this gay alternative to tennis? I mean instead of a ball they use something called a shuttlecock that looks like one of those little guys with the propellars you have to dodge and kill with something stronger than the wooden Sword in Zelda on Nintendo. EASE I am trying to marinade in oil and get my toast on

19. People playing with those stupid velcro padels with the tennis ball. Hey retards...havent you noticed that the ball doesnt stick because it is too heavy and when it gets wet there is no way the velcro will work? GEEEEEEZUS get out of here people...im in ultimate relax mode and i am tired of witnessing utter and blatant stupidity. the worst part is that you and your buddy are like 33 years old and in major adult no no territory. TAKE THE WHITE SEA SHELLS CHOKER NECKLACES off as well that you won each other at the arcade on the boardwalk...you both now have egg on your feet...BEAT IT

20. People setting up an exact replica of their fucking living room. WTF?...you are at the beach...get a towel, throw it on the sand, and fucking flop down on the bitch and toast...then when you get too hot, stand up and walk your fat ass into the ocean, and then return to the towel...you people get up off your quilted blanket after your feet were up on youre little coffee table and make an announcement to your family that you are going into the water as if you were leaving the house. HEY DICKFUCK!!! i dont care. what are you going to be late for dinner or something? You and your family dont live on this beach so pack up your brady bunch act and hit the road...you make me sick...by the way just because your three nut job kids built a moat around your "house" does not mean that high tide wont fuck your shit up...it will be Katrina all over for you...also i can easily sneak my way in to raid your fridge and take a doodie on your welcome mat...im done with this shit...peace

2 GIRLS 1 CUP (by Grady Cole)

2 girls 1 cup set a standard of viral scat-based torture on the internet. But can it be topped? Seeking options from the general population to top the experience and set off a new revolution:

2 girls, 1 big gulp and a badger

2 girls, 1 carafe and a variable speed kitchen aide mixer

2 girls, 1 donkey and a roomba

2 girls and 1 jar of marmite

2 girls and Ted Kennedy's bedpan

2 girls, 1 cup and a staple gun

2 girls, 1 rotting corpse, 11 lbs of maggots, 1 bag of pottery barn vanilla potpourri & a bottle of 2-buck chuck

2 girls, 1 double-ended dildo, 1 tube of crazy glue and a LOT of chili oil

2 girls, 1 pair of garden clippers, 1 can of bactene and the time life series "do it yourself@home: labia augmentation

2 girls, 1 goat, 1 angry clown, Warren Jeffs and a bus of mormon charter school kids

Magicians…WTF? (Obviously Source2)

Why won’t a magician tell you how they did the trick? I mean come on…what’s the big fucking deal, I’m not going to tell your boss and I sure as hell am not going to remember it or write it down so that I too can become a magician/creep and put you out of business. Yea man, when I grow up I want to be really into magic. Please

Every time you ask a magician how they did it they tell you “A great magician never reveals his secret” YOUR KIDDING RIGHT? Get over your self and your entire devotion to the underground world of illusionists, black magic, and jokers. You do card tricks on a side walk for crying out loud, you’re not the one and only Chris Angel Mind Freak. Mind Freak can just stare at you until he makes you tell him how you did that trick. I seen him

Why aren’t there any female magicians? The answer is simple…the word creep has never been used in the history of the world to describe a female. “Oh that chick is a creep man”…nope never happens…Magicians are creeps

Who picks out your gear? Why is that you have to dress like a cross between Zoro, Ninja Gaiden, and Jack the Ripper? You are already doing something in public that is suspect and considered creepy and really a lame ass job unless you are Mind Freak or Blain, so don’t make it harder for yourself by dressing like you are on some other mythical level. I saw you behind the stand before you put your outfit on and you were sporting rip jean shorts and a Wade Boggs t shirt with high tops. I’m so on to your bullshit career.

Why do you perform at little kids birthday parties? Is this because they are too young to catch on to the fact that you are full of shit or because you are a creep and you love partying with kids? OH and by the way tell your equally….wait….actually…WAY more creepy counterparts the balloon animal artist and the ventriloquists to go fuck themselves. That profession pushes it to the limit man. I am seriously who was sitting around one day and was like, “Wait a minute here…I could get those really long thin balloons right…and then I can blow them up and transform them into different zoo animals and give them to little kids as gifts at carnivals, theme parks, and birthday parties. No way I will be as sketchy as the magicians…it is the perfect idea” or your just sitting around thinking, “what if I did stand up comedy but instead of me speaking I will talk through a puppet that’s next to me and I wont move my lips so the audience ACTUALLY THINKS THE DOLL IS SPEAKING”…that’s not entertainment it’s a sick fetish….WAKE UP FUCKFACES YOU ARE ALL OUT OF LINE

Why do you dicks always have to crash weddings? I would rather have my dessert and coffee while talking to my friends then trying to guess how many fingers you have behind your back. Jesus. Pick a card any card, when you pick it place anywhere back in the deck…I’m not looking at all mind you…did you do it yet? Did you pick your card?? SHUT THE FUCK UP MAN. You are never going to tell me how you did the trick anyway so I am not playing…so go harass that guy over there; I think his kids are here.

Did you actually go to Magic school or did you just order shit out of the back of the sketchy pages in Popular Science magazine? You know… where you can order all types of illegal shit when you were a kid like, scramblers, sling shots, spy equipment, phone taps, and of course magic trick books and props. Anything you purchase that deals or actually requires a money order = suspect

Was your father a magician? I am just trying to figure out how one gets so determined to do this in the first place

Was your grandfather a wizard? I just don’t see any other way someone just picks this out of the book of jobs if it isn’t in your DNA. THAT’S IT!!! I’ll be a Magician!!! Chicks dig magicians…

Is it true that all magician’s have a secret shrine to David Copperfield and his sweet hair?

ADULT NO NO's (Source2, KId Springsteen, BauerOUT, LHawk)

No way in hell should you have adult Braces and or retainer/headgear

Adult Diapers (so so so so so so suspect) even more suspect if you like to dress up like an oversized baby and have a bottle and little nursery with a twisted sex fetish. EASE

You should not be at little league game if your kid is not playing

You should not be at kiddy pool if you dont have kids. Major NO NO if you are in the pool

Adult Twins are under serious suspicion and are a MAJOR NO NO. THink about the last time you actually saw two adult twins together hanging out? its just not right people, grow up and split up already..MAJOR NO NO IF STILL WEARING MATCHING CLOTHES

You should not be seen at a bowling alley with other adult friends using the gutter bumpers

Not knowing how to drive a stick shift car? Your an adult for crying out loud, you cant do it? dont give me this i never learned how crap, it is a matter of survival.

Dying your hair and wearing a Rolling Stones tee

Shaving your head when you start to go bald, like come on guy, we all know what’s going on here

Jean shorts- They weren’t cool when you were young, what makes you think they are now?

Joining a gang after the age of 20. I know gang bangers age into OG's but if you hit 40 and decide you want to shank someone fine, but dont do it as initiation into your nephews gang

You are not allowed to play in the ballroom playhouse at McDonalds no matter what. i know it looks like fun, becuase it is, but you are an adult now and you need to start acting like one...im sorry but those are the rules

Lobster Bibs...seriously how fucking retarded are you?...why dont i just bring you a kid seat while we are at it and us adults over here can make fun of you while we eat because you look like a baby...you probably have diaper rash so ease...you want your baba? You are a 45 year old adult male, act like one, dont spill on your shirt

No way should you be earing double runner hockey skates...these people hang out at the outdoor rink in NYC and do exist...GROW UP...the decison to strap two blades onto your new balances or Nike Airs is completely obsurd for a 32 yr old husband.

You can not be seen eating a happy meal at any time. this includes ordering happy meals for your kids but then eating them with your kids. You cant do that, order from the big boy menu. Your not fooling anyone with that secret obession to get close to Ronald, Hamburglar, Grimace and Birdie the Early Bird. Everyone wants the toy but you need to let it go.

Having a sleep over at another adult friends house...i dont even need to go into detail on this one.

Participating in an adult Baseball camp affoliated with a major leage team like the Dodgers...ok folks you need to look in the miror and come to the realization that you suck at baseball. if you were any good you would have made it to the big leagues already and this should be obvious to you when you struck out in T Ball and never made the babe ruth squad

Lollipops...Ever see a 40 year old man walking in a suit comming from the train station with a blowpop in his mouth? exactly because that is a major NO NO. Major Major NO NO If it is one of the rainbow giant circled ones

Ordering chop sticks with the rubber bands when at a chinese restaurant

Stealing a foul ball from some 6 year old at a baseball game
for yourself

Wearing floaties when in a pool