What I'm Thinking About While Waiting on Hold Forever With My Health Insurance Claims Department (by Kid Springsteen)
--I'm starving
--Does anyone endorse this smooth jazz elevator muzak? Seriously, where was I when the marketing department of some universal corporation was like: "okay, we're gonna go with casio bass and synthesized clarinet for melody. Maybe even some cascades of wind chimes to simulate the soothing sounds of rain on a windowsill. Any objections? No? Good, on to the next item on the list."
--I wonder if the guy who wrote this has health insurance? I'm also picturing him with a pony tail and a turtleneck in his all white apartment with black vinyl furniture balancing his time between laying down a solid Casio bass line and double-checking his last move on online dungeons and dragons. His name is miles or niles and he never gets laid but he still still thinks life is groovy.
--If my cellphone dies or loses reception at this point I might murder someone.
--What would it feel like to be the Last of the Mohicans. Prolly pretty sweet.
--What is earwax all about?
--Customer service doesn't provide answers anymore. They just provide directions and redirections. "Let me redirect your call to accounts receivable. How can I direct your call? I can't answer your query, but let me direct you to someone who can." Listen bitch, I don't mean to be rude but I've been on hold for 20 fucking minutes and I just want a few answers. Don't say your position is customer service and then not be able to give me any fucking answers. If I walk into an elevator and ask the doorman to press the floor for the billing department, I'm not expecting that the mother fucker will just up and turn into the woman in billing, with all my insurance info in a file right there. That is why I would be considered out of line for strangling the elevator guy if my claim gets denied. Just make like a voice message menu and let me press the number I need to get where I need to go for help. You pretending to help me by saying you are Customer Service when you clearly don't know shit is just going to make my fury cauldron boil that much more aggressively.
--whoa, "fury cauldron", where did that come from.
--I would kill some Walter's hot dogs right now.
--Maybe it would be totally lonely to be the Last Mohican. Damn, what a bummer. No friends. Except Daniel Day.
--That soundtrack was fucking awesome. I wish they played that while I'm on hold. Instead of Niles' Calypso Spring mix #3
--I'm starving
--Does anyone endorse this smooth jazz elevator muzak? Seriously, where was I when the marketing department of some universal corporation was like: "okay, we're gonna go with casio bass and synthesized clarinet for melody. Maybe even some cascades of wind chimes to simulate the soothing sounds of rain on a windowsill. Any objections? No? Good, on to the next item on the list."
--I wonder if the guy who wrote this has health insurance? I'm also picturing him with a pony tail and a turtleneck in his all white apartment with black vinyl furniture balancing his time between laying down a solid Casio bass line and double-checking his last move on online dungeons and dragons. His name is miles or niles and he never gets laid but he still still thinks life is groovy.
--If my cellphone dies or loses reception at this point I might murder someone.
--What would it feel like to be the Last of the Mohicans. Prolly pretty sweet.
--What is earwax all about?
--Customer service doesn't provide answers anymore. They just provide directions and redirections. "Let me redirect your call to accounts receivable. How can I direct your call? I can't answer your query, but let me direct you to someone who can." Listen bitch, I don't mean to be rude but I've been on hold for 20 fucking minutes and I just want a few answers. Don't say your position is customer service and then not be able to give me any fucking answers. If I walk into an elevator and ask the doorman to press the floor for the billing department, I'm not expecting that the mother fucker will just up and turn into the woman in billing, with all my insurance info in a file right there. That is why I would be considered out of line for strangling the elevator guy if my claim gets denied. Just make like a voice message menu and let me press the number I need to get where I need to go for help. You pretending to help me by saying you are Customer Service when you clearly don't know shit is just going to make my fury cauldron boil that much more aggressively.
--whoa, "fury cauldron", where did that come from.
--I would kill some Walter's hot dogs right now.
--Maybe it would be totally lonely to be the Last Mohican. Damn, what a bummer. No friends. Except Daniel Day.
--That soundtrack was fucking awesome. I wish they played that while I'm on hold. Instead of Niles' Calypso Spring mix #3
posted by Gearheart @ 11:40 AM
2 Comments:
At 12:09 PM,
Anonymous said…
Damn, now after reading you list I am thinking about Madeleine Stowe from Last of the Mohicans and how I'd like to bury my face in her fun bags. Do you think she let Hawkeye thow it in her sphincter?
At 12:59 PM,
Anonymous said…
For english please stay on the line, per espanol per a numero dos. FUCK THAT, i am american why do i have to stay on the line. just answer the damn phone and help a brother out. its not like i am calling to ask you to give me the cliff notes version of one flew over the cookoos nest, i just need to know if a certain claim was submitted. A simple Yes Mr. Source2, your claim did go through is all i need.
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