STATEMENTS BY BARRY MELROSE'S MULLET AFTER YET ANOTHER RANGERS WIN OVER THE DEVILS (by BeeRmaKesMePooP) (ps--this would probably be a lot more relevant if I posted it right after the Devils game but...)

- Martin brodeur was recently seen in the womens bathroom at chuckey
cheese off exit 74 on the New Jersey tpke crying and using his
childhood blanky as a tissue

- His blanky was later confirmed to be a pink Patrick Roy t shirt
covered in jizz stains.

- The bloody shitty underwear found left in the MSG locker room have
been confirmed as Martin Brodeur's. How you may ask? The name was
written on the elastic band of the tightie whities.

- According to sources, Brian Gionta was found waiting outside the
players entrance at MSG for Scott Gomez last night. He was seen on
his knees mouth open, and sources tell me he was planning to blow
Gomez to come back to the Devils so Gionta can finally look like a
good player again.

- After everyone left the rink, a lone shower could be heard. And the
slow moans of David Clarkson as he begged god to give him half the
talent of Sean Avery.

- Kevin Weekes was quoted saying, "man i shoulda begged to stay in new
yok. the future of the devils is darker than my skin!"

- John Madden was seen bro'ing with Ron Duguay... they were wearing
matching pink shirts. Duguay put the night to rest when madden tried
to walk with his hand in Duguay's back pocket

- Brendan Shannahan was rumored to have met up with the entire devlis
team at a bar near midtown and after drinking them all under the table
him and Nigel Dawes aka "Black Magic" double teamed all their wives
and sisters

Yo McDonald's, I'm on your side, just cut me a little fucking slack! (by Kid Springsteen)

--After watching "Supersize Me", instead of cursing you out for killing people with cholesterol, or going on some ill-advised self-righteous health kick, I went on a Big Mac binge for two whole days. Talk about loyalty. That movie was like a friggin hour and a half long commercial...why won't you let me have more than one BBQ sauce without giving me a dirty look when I get my mcnuggets?

--Everyone thinks the McRib is made out of dead rat, but I always defend it no matter what. Why for the love of God do you only keep it on the menu for three weeks out of the year?

--Is it really necessary to serve the coldest, nastiest, saltiest fries leftover at the end of a rush? You're fucking McDonalds, you have more money than Veronica Lodge and Reggie Mantle combined (Archie comics, nooch) can't you at least take one for the team and throw the last few to the homeless guys and/or 7th graders and give me some freshies?

--Along the same lines: charging 10 cents for BBQ sauce, just because I want some to dip my fries in? weak!

--At participating locations? Why can't all locations participate. This is America, they're invited. I see a commercial for mcnuggets and fries on the dollar menu so I order them...only to find out that "at this particular non-participating location" fries cost $1.87. Not like I'm counting pennies, but I'm counting pennies in my car (yes the one with the busted rear tail light done up in black duct tape I bought to match the black paint job), does it look like I have enough money to not care about something like this?

--Breakfast till 10:30? I know Source2 already gripped about this, but it is such a cocktease I'm surprised my raging boner doesn't stab someone in the eye when I find out I can't get an Egg MacMuffin at 10:31 while I'm on a road trip (which is the only time i order them anyway). Do you want me to get a quarterpounder so I can sit in my own shit for the next 13 hours as I drive across Nebraska?

--Why forget things? You make me go to two windows at the drive in, plus flash a screen confirmation with my order. That kind of scrutiny would've stopped 9/11 from happening, yet somewhere in the shuffle my LARGE fries get lost? WTF! And why does whoever I'm with mysteriously get some extra item like 7 mcnuggets, or a burger with bacon? Are you shitting me?

--The Big Mac. Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't the Big Mac a little...small. I mean, back in the day of all that styrofoam (bring it back! fuck earth!) it used to come on two sides, all sloppy with lettuce and cheese and then you had to fold it into one gigantic heart attack sandwhich. Now it fits in the palm of your hand. W.......TT..........FFFF?

--Does anyone ever win at Monopoly?

--Why CANT I go on the Playground? Is there a law? Will I get tased by the Hamburgler? If you don't want me to go raise a little hell in that badboy, then don't make it so sweet.

--Plain and simple...the coffee is too hot. I know that lady got burned and everyone was like personal responsibility and shes a dumbass and all that, but seriously, coffeee is supposed to be sipped and enjoyed, not absorbed with nuclear radiation-safe gloves and SPF 80. Who are you kidding?

As I watched Karate Kid last night in preparation for my 80’s party, I started to think about Karate Kid 2. I was thinking Danny tried so hard to get with Ali Mills, but KK II starts with him getting dumped by her not long after he was crowned the All-Valley Champion. So I figured I would write a list of possible reasons Ali dropped Danielle:(LHawk & Source to the mutha truckin 2)


-Seeing Johnny cry made her realize he was a softy at heart, and she ended up pumping him right the parking lot after the tourney.

- After Danny won, Ali snuck down into the locker room only to find Miyagi feeding Danny his man-meat. She was so appalled that she crane kicked both of them.

- When she did finally try to bone Danny, he was the worst lay….ever.

- Danny caught her gang banging the entire Cobra Kai clan, so she dumped him.

- She only used Danny to get to Miyagi...

- She got wind that Adventures in Babysitting was filming the next day and she couldn’t get involved.

- She realized she was gay and fled town with Danny’s mom and her scrambled eggs

- She realized the attraction to older men was just inevitable and she gave in to the John Kreese factor. Hence the reason why Miyagi got all fired up to kick the shit out of Kreese at the beginning of KK II. He knew about Kreese. I think he was more pissed she cheated on him with Kreese vs her cheating on Danny

- She decided to become a tom boy and got into hard core fisting with her ratty arcade friend while they listen to the cure

Here is a list that I have compiled from all the Yuppies that go to my Yuppie ass School: (Uncle Jesse's Mullet)

Turner
Alden
Paige
Tripp
Tucker
Aeron
Hunter
Turner
Bailey
Baret
Bennett
Cody
Blair
Colby

Those are just a few. Seriously there are so many kids with that woodsy, sailing, outdoorsy last name as their first name!! Give me a break parents you automatically gave your son or daughter a life sentence to Salmon colored khakis w/ dolphins on them, popped pink polo's (mean alliteration right there) w/ horses all over them, and the ultimate gayest thing are those sun glass bands that allow you to wear your glasses as a necklace if you don't want to wear them!!

Cayman Islands are only good for: (Uncle Jesses Mullet)

1. Money Laundering
2. Creating dummy corporations in order to sell junk derivatives to suckers
3. Holding hands
4. Creating anonymous brokerage accounts in order to inside trade(so dirty).
5. Have an affair with your neighbor's wife

Actual Folder Names Within One Of My Companies Major Drives(LHawk)

Call To Arms

Mothra

Orion

Pibbles

Snake Eyes

Toastmasters

Typhoon

Viper

Yellow Submarine Operations

Riding in on my BMX to an 80's party, this is what we would wear: (LHawk, Wayne Mayne, Source2)

-Ripped Jeans and a white t-shirt with rolled up sleeves, smokes rolled up optional

-Bandana

-White High-tops, preferably Voits

-Shades- Of course the sunglasses need to be on at night...Vaurnet’s, ray bans or the Mark McGuire wrap around batting practice shades with strap to hang them around your neck. Or those really cool plastic ones that look like the Vents on the back of an old 911 turbo

-Letterman Jacket

-Chain Wallet

-Comb in back pocket

-Parted Hair

-Golf Glove with fingers cut off

-Leather Tie or Piano Key tie

-Slap Braclets galore

-Class Ring on a necklace

-Some sort of lines shaved into your head

-No Belt

-Stonewashed Jeans either tappered or with cuff

-Neon Laces

-tank tops are pretty standard casual dress (perhaps a mesh one?...Nah)

-tight cotton gym shorts

-tom cruise aviator jacket

-Fanny Pack

-A yo-yo

- A Metroid T-shirt