REASONS WHY

24

'S JACK BAUER IS THE FUCKING MAN (Posted by Bauer Out)

1) In one episode he died after being tortured and electrocuted with a taser gun, then came back to life with a shot of epinephrine and 4 defibrillator shocks. You try that.

2)Parachuted out of a plane just 4 minutes before a nuclear bomb exploded on board.

3)Foiled 2 assassination attempts on African American Presidential candidate David Palmer (Who happens to also be Pedro Cerrano from Major League). Where were you on that one Jobu?

4) He boned Elisha Cuthbert (Girl Next Door) on the set of 24. (She also happens to play his daughter on the show) Freaky incest thing aside, Bauer can fuck whoever the hell he wants...he IS Jack Bauer.

5) He's killed more people than Rambo. Seriously, I counted. Nothing against you Sly Stallone.

6) That mighty beard that he rocked at the beginning of Season 2 was the fucking' tits! Straight Grizzly Adams style (and yes, he DID have a beard). I tried rocking a beard to look more like Bauer, but I just ended up with a fuzzy shit lip.

7) He fucked this hot ass bitch when he was separated from his wife and then on top of that gave the girl a jelly doughnut. (For those who don't know what a jelly doughnut is, its when you squirt your man sauce all over a girl's face and then proceed to bash her in the face, giving a bloody nose.) Jack Bauer is no pussy whipped fruit.

8) He was the head vampire in "The Lost Boys," and his name was David. Sweet movie with the Coreys. They should really guest star in an episode of 24 as terrorist vampires. That would be the shit.

9) He was born in jolly ol' England...bet you didn't know that. Its soon to be Sir Kiefer Sutherland/Jack Bauer. Tony Blair is thinking of changing the nation's name to Great Bauer.

10)I heard he is actually going to run for president in 2008. He's got my vote. Of course T. Guy Mannetti is going to be Vice President and Storm T. Renegade is head of Secret Service. Bauer Out!

Top Ten Reasons Living In Boston Is Way Better Than Living In San Diego (By Appel "Blue Moon Cutoff" Appel)
10) Build up huge guns shoveling snow everyday
9) Allowed to spend hard earned money on privilege to take Mass Pike
8) Always know score of Red Sox game. Always
7) The hour-long commute to the beach gives me time to practice my boston accent
6) Why would I want to park my car within a mile of my house anyway?
5) Harvard and MIT make this UMass guy feel wicked smaaaht!
4) If things go well, we WILL be the site of a terrorist attack. Cross your fingers.
3) Foxwoods is only 3 hours away--what do you have, Vegas?
2) The Pacific has too many big waves, I much prefer the Atlantic's piss-infested kiddie pool
1) San Diego chicks: big huge tits. Boston Chicks: big huge attitude problems


THINGS THAT MR. T. GUY MANETTI CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT (By Bauer Out)

--His fucking sweet name
--His lionel Ritchie box set
--His porn collection
--His autographed photo of Ricky the Dragon Steamboat
--His partner, Storm T. Renegade
--His addiction to coke
--His six pack abs, which he owes all to "6-pack Abs" and "Fitness Made Simple" featuring John Basedow
--His backstage pass from an Eddie Money concet--1987
--A pack of Reds
--His cut off denim shorts that he will wear with construction boots regardless of what activity he is doing, whether its going to the beach or just throwing up some new drywall.
--His automatic nail gun
--His Tony Granato L.A. Kings jersey that he has worn to every men's league game. It hasn't been washed till this day, and he still has bloodstains from when he beat the shit out of one of the opposing players. Reason for brawl was because guy found out that T.G. Manetti and S.T. Renegade double-boned his wife. Manetti is the fucking MAN.
--His recipe book for exotic chillis


REASONS WHY I AM THE MAN (by Bauer Out)

--I own a pair of Zack Morris high tops
--I boned your sister
--I boned your daughter
--I scored the game-winning goal in the 35+ single A men's deck hockey championship
--I don't listen to Good Charlotte and Maroon 5 because I am not a pussy. I listen to good shit like Iced Earth and Manowar. Bands that put those other queebs to shame.
--I hang out with guys like T. Guy Manetti and Storm T. Renegade. Who is going to want to mess with that posse? You don't stand a chance. Especially if we're rocking sweet stashes!
--Your mom still invites me over for dinner after I broke your sister's heart. She can take sloppy seconds. I'm sure she will be more skilled than your sister.
--I punched Carson Daily in the stomach when I passed him in the street. He cried like a little kid getting his dick caught in his zipper
--I can kick your ass.
--I was Steven Seagal's stunt double in Hard To Kill. No wait, scratch that. Seagal does his own stunts. I was Chuck Norris's stunt double in Side Kicks.

RULES FOR BEING FRIENDS "WITH BENEFITS."

--No crying. There's no crying in baseball and there's certainly no crying in Friends With Benefits. If you are lucky enough to find yourself in a FWB situation, its all about fun. Let her friends or her next boyfriend deal with emotional bullshit, or her bitching about how she hates her co-workers. You basically are a deaf man with a cock and a sex drive. Oh and no whining about your ex-girlfriend to her either. Nothing pulls the fun out of a drunk, Friends WIth Benefits Tuesday night fuckathon than you wondering why your ex girlfriend doesn't answer your calls anymore.

--If you relax your eyes, and stare hard enough at the words "Friends WIth Benefits" you will definitely see the words Fuck and Blowjob. Its like those pictures in science class you used to stare at and, like, a jaguar would jump out, or a sailboat. Well, no matter how hard you stare at "Friends With Benefits" you will never see 'take me out to dinner' or 'don't forget my birthday.' Just not there.

--Fuck buddy. We know that Friends With Benefits is just a nicer way of saying 'fuck buddy' but you don't have to rub it in her face. No matter how much of a slut a girl is, sooner or later the term 'fuck buddy' is going to make her feel cheap. Friends With Benefits sounds so much nicer. Friends. With Benefits. Doesn't that sound nice. And Friendly. Its like it sounds so nice that she won't even mind that you leave her dorm room thirty seconds after you shoot splooge down her throat. Cause you're friends.

--No cockblocking. Since you are just a FRIEND (who happens to have the benefit of cumming on her tits) than she is obligated not to get jealous if you're talking to a hot girl at the bar, and in no way, shape or form could she cockblock you. If she gets mad at you in public--pretend that you don't know who the hell she is and quickly try to get the hot girl to go home with you. If she gets mad at you in private--use the "but we're only friends" part of Friends With Benefits. This is a risky defense because she'll probably say something like, "yeah, but I thought we were more." Regardless of what your answer to that conversational buzzkill is, you will probably have to play the boyfriend role for the night if you want to get laid, and thats just not cool.
*Conversely, you are only allowed to cockblock her if she is getting hit on by some Massachussetts meathead piker and she's giving you the "save me from this date rapist" look. You are also allowed to cockblock her if she is flirting with some guy who everyone knows has some sort of dirty dick disease. Thats just smart business. Also you are allowed to cockblock if she's getting hit on by one of those sloppy, loner, old guys that always hang out at the end of the bar getting absolutely shlitzed and then stumble up to some college girl and babble out some bullshit about how they talk to trees. Fuck those geezers.

--Fun Bobby. Based on the permadrunk Friends character, Fun Bobby is the way you should be to make FWB work for you. He is basically your all-the-time-fun attitude and he strolls through the bar 10 minutes before you even show up, introducing himself and talking you up to all the cute girls. By the time you stroll in, girls are like, "Oh yeah, thats so and so, Fun Bobby told me he has some killer weed. He's cute. Lets make out with him." You get it. Fun Bobby=fun attitude=threesomes.

--Don't get pissed. About anything. If you're calling her a hundred times from the bar and she's not answering, there is probably a reason. Just go fuck some other girl, even if shes fat. Getting pissed about a FWB situation is the beginning of the end. If she finally does call you back, don't be a bitch and get all angry on the phone, cause its not gonna make her want to fuck you. Remember--you're Fun Bobby, not Heavy-Vibes Harold. No one fucks Heavy-Vibes Harold.

--If at all possible, keep Friends With Benefits on the DL. Once all of her friends hear that you're hooking up with so and so, it will make it harder for you to hook up with her friends, and some of them mistake Friends With Benefits for Boyfriend, and that will screw up your reputation right quick. Ideally, its best to have Benefits with one girl from a bunch of different groups of girls that don't really know each other. Anything more and you're basically asking for a 90210 disaster and unless you're Dylan Mckay and could shoot down to Mexico to escape a Kelly/Brenda slugfest, than stick to benefits with one friend per group, rookie.

--if you start to develop feelings for your FWB, break it off. Seriously. Feelings suck. You will eventually fall into the same boyfriend/girlfriend pitfalls and thats just not on.