Source 2 here...This was sent along in an email trail, but it is too funny not to be posted. I have no clue who wrote it but he deserves some credit. I took the liberty of naming the list and post name.

WITH THE NEW SEASON KICK OFF OF 24, HERE ARE SOME CRUCIAL FACTS ABOUT OUR FAVORITE AMERICAN HERO, JACK BAUER(Doug Steele)

The reason why terrorists attacked New York City was because Jack Bauer was in LA.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

Jack Bauer let the dogs out.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

Every time you maturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not beacuase you masurbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Colin Farrell smokes a pack of cigarettes a day. Jack Bauer smokes a pack of terrorists anytime he feels like it.

Upon hearing that he was! played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

Jack Bauer cannot stick his elbow in his ear, but he can stick your elbow in your ear.

Deaf people listen to Jack bauer.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location ! of the keys.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because h! e was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

Did you know there was a national disaster last night while you were sleeping? Of course you didn't, Jack Bauer was on duty.

The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack Bauer's gun.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

Jack Bauer once told God he needed access, the event has since been referred to as "The Big Bang."

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Ja! ck Bauer jumps out.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fuacking hates lemonade.

I must contribute to Gangsta's farewell. First of all...the two gay ones were uncalled for. If you think The Tuna Melt and Unexpected Protein were over the top.
Try these on for size:
These are three very strong power moves, and if you can actually find a girl willing, you are a legend, but could also be considered kinda sketchy. I call them the "Blumpkin Trio" (Source2)

1. The Standard Blumpkin aka "The Classic": The girl straight up sucks your cock while you take a shit on a toilet.

2. The Double Blumpkin: This one takes some serious balls. You are at a party and want to drop an upper decker deuce in the toilet, which is a pro move in itself. So while you are taking a shit in the upper deck, she is sitting on the toilet facing you and sucking your cock, but the beauty part is that she is also dropping some serious wolf bait herself in the actual toilet.

3. The Blumpkin El Nino: I can't even type this one with out laughing my ass off. It is the same exact things as the "Standard Blumpkin" only difference is while she is sucking your dick, you drop a log or violent sloppy and the splash from the toilet water flys up between your legs and hits her in the face. Priceless.

GANGSTA'S TENURE IN SAN DIEGO HAS COME TO A CLOSE. AS A PARTING GIFT, I WILL BEQUEATH YOU ALL WITH MY VAST KNOWLEDGE GAINED IN THE THREE AND A HALF YEARS SPENT EXPLORING ALL THE CITY HAD TO OFFER. I HAVE NOT TRIED ALL 24 (SEE #'s 12 AND 13 FOR EXAMPLE) NOR DO I ENDORSE ONE MOVE OVER ANOTHER. TRY A FEW OUT WITH THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE TO SPARK UP A DULL ROMANCE. ENJOY... (by Gangsta)

1. Hot Lunch- While receiving head from a woman, you proceed to
shit on her chest. (a.k.a. the Cleveland Steamer)

2. The Stranger- Sitting on your hand until it falls asleep and
then jerking off, eliciting the feeling of a hand job from someone else.

3. Donkey Punch- Banging a girl doggy style and then moments
before you cum, sticking your dick in her ass, and then punching her in the back
of the head. This gives a tremendous sensation, but for it to work correctly,
the girl must be knocked out so that her asshole tightens up. It should quiver
for at least 5 seconds if done properly.

4. Golden Shower- Any form of dropping piss all over a girl. Bonus points if
it's a casual piss.

5. Pearl Necklace- Well known. Whenever you cum on the neck/cleavage area of a
girl - it takes on the look of beautiful jewelry. Who said chivalry was dead.

6. Coyote- This occurs when you wake up in the room of a nasty wombat and you
know you've got to give her the slip. However, you realize that your arm is
wrapped around her. Therefore, you must gnaw off your own arm to get out of
this situation. Can be very painful but worth it.

7. Purple Mushroom- This occurs when a woman is giving you oral sex and you
withdraw your penis in order to poke it back into her cheek. It should leave a
lasting impression similar to a purple mushroom.

8. The Flying Camel- A personal favorite. As she is lying on her back and you
are hammering her from your knees, you carefully balance yourself without using
your arms to prop yourself up. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a
long, shrieking howl, much like a coyote. Strictly a class move.

9. Fishhook- A variation of the shocker in which you pull back towards the pussy
after you stick your finger up her anus.

10. The Ram- Again, you're attacking from behind, when you start ramming her
head against the wall (or the dumpster in the alley) in a rhythmic motion. The
force of the wall should allow for deeper penetration. Very handy for those
lulls in penile sensitivity.

11. Dog in a Bathtub- This is the proper name for when you attempt to insert
your balls into a girl's ass. It is so named because it can be just as hard as
keeping a dog in the tub while giving it a bath.

12. Felching- A gay activity which I do not condone at all. It occurs when one
fag fucks another fag in the ass and then sucks it out with a straw. Only
included for those of you who are considering going to jail.

13. Tossing Salad- Another prison act where one person is forced to basically
chow asshole with the help of whatever condiments are available, i.e. Jello,
olive oil, ranch, etc. I'm never going to prison.

14. The Bronco- Back to reality with this classic. You start by going doggy
style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab onto her tits as
tightly as possible and yell another girl's name. This gives you the feeling of
riding a bronco as she tries to buck you off.

15. Pink glove- This frequently happens during sex when a girl is not wet
enough. When you pull out to give her the money shot, the inside of her twat
sticks to your hog. Thus, the pink glove.

16. The Fountain of You- While sitting on her face and having her eat your ass,
jerk off like a madman. Build up as much pressure as possible before releasing,
spewing like a venerable geyser all over her tits. (Better in her bed)

17. New York Style Taco- Anytime when you are so drunk that when you go down,
you boot on her box. Happy trails. I’ve found most sluts do not enjoy this.

18. The Durty Sanchez - A time honored event in which while laying the bone
doggie style, you insert your finger into said woman's asshole, pull it out,
and wipe it across her upper lip leaving a thin, shit moustache. This makes her
look like someone whose name would be Durty Sanchez!

19. The Fish Eye - From behind, you shove two fingers in her ass. Thereupon
she turns around in a one-eyed winking motion to see what the hell you are
doing.

20. Tuna Melt - You're down on a chick lapping away and discover that it just
happens to be the time of the month. By no means do you stop though. When the
whale spews, tartar sauce with a hint of raspberry smothers your face.

21. Furr Ball - You're chomping away at some mighty trollop who has a mane
between her legs the size of Lionel Richie's afro, when a mammoth fur ball gets
lodged in your throat and causes you to beat the piss out of her.

22. The Chili Dog - You take a shit on a girl's tits and then proceed to titty
fuck her. Can get messy.

23. Brown Trout - The choice method for letting the skank you hooked up with
last night know its time to leave. After dropping a monster shit (preferably
it’s the solid kind), you simply pick it up out of the toilet and throw it at
her. I’ve never had if fail me.

24. Unexpected Protein - This happens to the unfortunate sole who just happens
across the same nasty skank you just finished punishing five minutes ago.
You’ve blown your load and have long left the scene but the horny slut still
wants more. He doesn’t know that you’ve just pumped half a quart of spooge
in her slimly slit. She opens her legs and he begins to feast like the Last
Supper, tasting your deposit. I’ve never been on the receiving side thank God.

THE LAST TIME I SAW T. GUY MANETTI (by Mike White)

he punched your sister in the teeth because he overheard her
talking about a counting crows concert while leaving the mall

he was hanging out with storm t renegade and lenny dykstra
spitting wads off the overpass entrance to Rolling Hills Assisted Living
Residence

he landed a nollie inward heelflip smith down a twelve stair
double kink first try then broke his filmers camera and said no one needs to see
that

he drank his mcdonalds coffee before letting it cool down for a
minute

he was scalping fake tickets to a dave matthews concert burning
the money then watching you and your hemp necklas get denied

he was high on nyquill sudafed and corasiden cough and cold

he was behind the counter of 1-800 FLOWERS on Middle Country Road
taking money out of the register telling employees to call the cops and firing
them at the same time

WHILE WE’RE ON THE SUBJECT OF NAMES…POSSIBLE NAMES FOR
MY DOGS (PS…IF I EVER MEET YOUR DOG AND IT HAS ONE OF
THESE NAMES AND I WILL PUNT YOUR BITCH) (By Mahnny being Mahnny. Formerly Brocktoon)

-Lunch Box (can also double as my kid’s name)

-Chauncey (for girl dog only)

-Bobby Salazar

-The Shitter

-Balls

-Nasty Nate

-Hoops McAnn

-Ringo

-Nacho Grande

-Dagmar

-Stabone (Tip o’ the hat to K. Cameron and Growing
Pains)

-Mr. Bojangles

-Lug Nut

-No Nuts (Thank you Bob Barker)

-Lil Dog

-Noriega



DON’T FUCK WITH THE BURGER KING!!! (By Mahnny Being Mahnny)


-Fuck T-O, The King already has as many touchdowns and
yardage (if not more), and on top of that, he keeps
his mouth shut! The King doesn’t need words,
sharpies, or stupid eagle flaps to let the world know
who’s boss. He’ll let you know with his maniacal
stare and stoic silence….not to mention he plays
offense and defense.

-Need a skyscraper built? Call The King! You’ll be
all trying to eat your lunch way up high on an I-bar,
and then: what’s that? Is there someone on the other
side of this beam? It’s The King bitch!!! He’s not
going to tell you how to do your job, he’s just gonna
pump you up with that wicked stare….that and a large
order of chicken fries.

-The King Vs. T. Guy Minetti. Now I know some of you
will be quick to jump in Minetti’s corner with your
spit bucket and over abundance of Q-tips, but just
hold your horses there. We’re talking about The King
here. I mean, he’s the fucking Burger King you got
that? They should actually change their name to
Fucking Burger King. Now I bet this would go twelve
rounds and end in a split decision, but when the
judges are sitting there trying to figure out how
Minetti lasted so long against such a dominating force
as The King is, and maybe they should give the V. to
T. Guy, they’ll feel the overwhelming heat coming
from His eyes and come to their senses and realize
that all titles from here on out will go to The King.
What’s The King’s record you ask? Infinity-0

-All lumberjacks love The King.

-The King went on Geraldo At Large for his first
interview since the advent of the chicken fries and in
response to Gerry’s first question: How does it feel
to be the king? He just sat there and smiled…for the
rest of the interview.

-Can you eat a Triple Whopper??? The King dares thee.


ADDITIONAL THINGS TO DO IN A HOTEL ROOM ON A HOCKEY
TRIP (by Mahnny Being Mahnny)


-Eat an 1/8 of mushrooms with your roommate and assure
your coach when he asks why you’re not celebrating the
big win with your teammates that you’re “just tired”
and yes, your pupils are always this big.

-Empty the entire contents of one rookie’s room onto
the balcony and snow covered lawn below

-RAMBONE: THE DESTROYER

-Practice your Chappy “Too Legit To Quit” dance in
front of mirror-tighty whities optional.