ALTERNATIVE USES FOR THE ROLL CAGE (by Uzi Balagan) (my Israeli commando name)



- Hang dried meat products, such as beef jerky or spiced meat wands, to cure. Preferably on a hot, sunny day. Also may work for dried fruit.

- Tie rack.

- Acrobatic in-car fornication (midgets only).

- Start trackside drug dealing operation; smuggle narcotics inside hollow bars.

- Storage for covert nitrous system.

- Place to store extra refrigerator magnets.

- Fun playground maze for in-car hamsters.

MELLENCAMP'S RECIPE FOR UBER-PATRIOTIC TRUCK JINGLE SUCCESS (By Brocktoon)

-Make sure to hijack one of your former mega-american
anthems and just "tweak" it a bit. whether it be
going from a power d chord to an open d chord, a
simple phrase etc, whatever you're feelin buddy,
you're the coog.

-Always have plenty of horses prancing around in slow
motion, Americans love stallions...and horse power.

-Make sure to reference all sectors of the country:
both coasts, north, south, the deltas, the prairies,
the mesas, the badlands, the goodlands...you name it
we love it.

-When referring to the south, always use "dixie"

-Never smile, yet never frown...a very difficult move
that only the coog can pull off.

-5 o'clock shadow is a must



MY THOUGHTS ON THE NEW SEASON OF LAGUNA BEACH (By Brocktoon)

-Cameron is such a "Chadd Toddson"

-Damn that Tessa sure gets shat upon. I mean really,
all she wants is a man to lay all her insecurities and
dependancies of, and that bitch kyndra (with a 'Y'. why?)
just can't let her be. So what if she has an
incredibly bad haircut (c'mon, girls with non-centered
parts always look a little down syndrome), the girl
deserves some meat.

-Chase needs to keep his shirt on when singing gay
pop/punk/emo.

-Note to the guys: only girls are supposed to wear
Gucci oversized gag goggles.

-I love MILF's, and more so, i love how many websites
have been dedicated to this phenomenon.

-What's that, Monday Night Football's on? Fuck that,
Laguna yo

***Disclaimer from Brocktoon: The making of this list has gone
through much scrutiny and severe limitative analysis
because, let's face it, this shit could go on all day.

NAMES I'VE PONDERED ASSIGNING TO MY PRE-MARINE CORPS OFFICER CADIDATE SCHOOL WORKOUT REGIMEN (By Ty Webb)


The Sausage Grinder (gross goes in, delicious comes out)

The Deli Meat Slicer (for those stubborn trouble spots)

Body by Barf (the Mog from Spaceballs)

Run Lift Dump (self explanatory really)

Run till your nipples bleed (watch a marathon, it really happens)

Ten weeks to a healthier Colon

The Special Olympics (ever see me run with 40lbs in a backpack?)

SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 30TH (By Chaz Coverdale)

--woke up with an insatiable craving for a McRib. Googled McRib. Found a Save The McRib website. Why can't McDonalds just quite fucking around and finally make this bbq'd delite a regular fixture on the menu?

--Threw a wank for almost an hour

--Wondered if a book entitled "Masterbating For Cardio" would sell. "CardioSturb?"

--Came up with the name Chaz Coverdale so I can hang out with CC Dubois and JJ Rezz. Other monikers in contention: Tyson St. Seville, Dwayne Rizla, and Brock Florida. Chaz Lauderdale was also a possibility.

--Txted quotes from Wedding Crashers with my buddy Chris for a half an hour. Faxing the script would have been cheaper, but fuck it son--weekend minutes!

--Listened to "One" by Metallica, twice.

--retaped my hockey tree with white cloth, and gave it a new knob, even though I haven't played a game since April.

--For some reason I stood in the middle of my living room and said the phrase "Damnit Jim, I'm a doctor" over and over until the words didn't even make sense anymore. It was really fucked up when I realized I'd been doing it for like 10 minutes. Really fucked up.

--Found a spider in my bathtub while I was taking a shit. Instead of killing it or letting it go, I made a small maze with toilet paper tubes and shreds of sleeves from two t-shirts that are now cutoffs. One end of the maze led to the door and the other end led to a half bar of soap that I stuck toothpicks in. I told my roomate to come look at it, but the stench of my shitbomb was too overwhelming and he tapped out in the hallway.

--Trimmed down my beard in varying levels of looks (moustache, goatee, flavor saver). My personal favorite was full beard, no sideburns. Think about it.