1.The Louis Armstrong: musical, changes tempo and tone (imagine farting through a trumpet with one of those rubber end covers). This one is the kind you hope to impress your new girlfriend with the first time you let one slip.
2.The Jimi Hendrix: Unpredictable and intense, can vary in duration and depth (think Star Spangled Banner @ Woodstock) – Advice: check your pants after this one.
3.The Shart: You let one rip and get more than you bargained for. See advice line above.
4.The Squeeker: Similar to the Louis Armstrong, but high pitch is unwavering and may shatter glass if cheeks are properly clenched.
5.The Dry Fart: By far the best of all farts; it can smell awful, or be pleasant and flowery. Distinguished by its’ machinegun-like staccato burp, which when experienced, is the most satisfying feeling other than orgasm.
6.The Wet Fart: This version may or may not ruin your pants. Distinguished by a gurgling sound accompanied by an exclamation: “That can’t be Dry”. Proceed with caution lest the Wet Fart become a Shart.
7.The Warbler: This methanous release has a Leslie-Rotating Speaker like effect; it shifts from wet to dry, loud to soft with no warning. Unlike the Webler, the smell on this one eventually dissipates.
8.The Denver: Thinly veiled in clouds and rises quickly; kind of like the Rocky Mountains. No wonder why we don’t like Coors Lite.
9.The Apache: Stays low, clings to the floor until it has the room surrounded. Then it launches its’ attack, yelling like a crazy Indian and rapidly climbing the walls until it reaches the ceiling and fills the room with its’ noxious fumes. If you are in the room when an Apache is unleashed, stop, drop and roll. The air close to ground level is usually the safest to breathe.
10.The Bill Clinton: Smells like a cigar, but don’t inhale.