MY ULTIMATE FANTASY PARTY CREW (By Simon Zealotes)
Wayne Gretzky--Obviously the Great One is going to be in my fantasy party crew, but I'm talking pre-Janet Jones, blazing blond feather mullet, 1st Stanley Oiler cup era Gretzky. Besides the fact that he pulled more wool as a 17-year-old than the entire Canadian fur-trapping industry, he was also rocking herb the entire decade. Did you ever see those pictures of him back on his parent's farm? Where's Wayne? I don't know...oh, there he is, joyriding the tractor all bake-ayed and pulling donuts with Keith out in the field. He still has crazy party game, but back then he'd just stroll into a bar with Paul Coffey and Messier after lighting up some sieve for four goals, still wearing his blue Tuuk Daousts, and maybe some red and black flannel, and sloppy nufi chicks would be throwing pussy at him. Even fathers would be like "Hey Wayner, get my daughter pregnant, eh. I want my grandkid to play in the show." Mad Game. The only downside to having Gretz in your crew is that Marty McSorely will be calling constantly looking to skeez into the scene and you know that guy brings the heaviest of heavy vibes.
Jack Black--Considering how many times me and my friends, and you and your friends, have drunk dialed his cellphone, I would already consider Jack Black one of my crew. Did you see him punt Ron Burgundy's dog Baxter off that bridge in Anchorman? That guy parties hard and I barely even have to mention the "D" and he's lighting up the ladies with a tribute to the greatest song of all time.
Slash and Duff (Prime Guns & Roses Era)--As far as I'm concerned, Slash is G'NR ever since Axl decided to spend the last decade on a Bowflex only to resurface with braids, a Raiders jersey and Buckethead. What the Fuck?!! Slash and Duff are like the definition of 80s party, plus latenight we can all go back to the crib and they can mellow out the entire 'Lies' album on acoustics while The Great One rolls sticky doobs till the sun comes up.
Roy Scheider--No not Deuce Bigalow, I'm talking ROY Scheider, aka, Chief Brody of Jaws fame. Aside from a career ending stint on Seaquest, Scheids was stellar starring with Gene Hackman in The French Connection (arguably the best buddy cop duo movie ever) and did I mention he fucking killed Jaws, twice!! Once with a shotgun into the scuba tank as the boat was sinking, and he still had enough strength to kickboard it back to shore(probably over three miles) and once by holding an electrical rod two feet from his body and letting the 30 foot shark bite it. This old timers got balls the size of zeppelins. Imagine him at a bar? He probably dares chicks to turn him down.
Rick Petko--Without a doubt the best bike builder in the OCC garage, plus he's not an ego trip. While Jr. and Sr. are throwing less-than-hetero diva hissy fits at each other, guess whos toughing it out in the trenches making sure the bikes get built in time? You guessed it--Rick fucking Petko. The only time he takes a break is to blowdry his freebird feather mull or to three-quarter cut the sleeves on his OCC gear like he's a minor league shortstop. His wife is probably hot as shit but he still parties it up with the crew at night just to get some laughs before he goes home all perfectly buzzed and stuffs her like a thanksgiving turkey.
Bob from China Lion--As far as I'm concerned this little yellow man is a straight up legend. He opens the best Chinese restaurant in the tri-state area, never forgets a face even though its obviously packed every night, gives you a tease of what heaven might taste like if it were stir-fryed in a Sesame/Szechaun combo dish, then shuts up shop and goes way underground like Chin. Buck Chin, the realtor? No Animal Chin you tard! Not to mention the instant street cred you'd get showing up at a party with a mythic figure like this in your crew, but you know the gang is gonna wanna grub nasty late night, and Bob just appears out of nowhere with a huge order of Spare Ribs all "Who Hungwee?"
PEOPLE I'D BRO WITH AT A PARTY, BUT WOULDN'T CONSIDER PART OF THE CREW (by Simon Zealotes)
The Rockers--Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannety wore more neon spandex than a Rainbow Day Parade and The Tour De France combined but they totally partied. I'd rock hi fives with these guys all night, and they rock hi fives with each other after blowing a bunch of coke and Double Teaming someones hot little sister in her parents' bedroom.
Wooderson--The man of the woods. This guys all about good times. The party at the moontower was his idea, in case you dont remember. While Affleck was crying in his beer because the party at Prickfords busted, this soldier was out collecting for kegs and spreading the word about a new fiesta in the making. Plus he always has a bunch of young chicks around so Slash and Duff can get their Statuator on.
Dangerous Hasselhoff--I caught this one episode of Knight Rider the other night where Mitch and Kit had to track down this outlaw who was played by David Hasselhoff as well, but he had a Marion Cobretti beard and wore a black wife beater with a grey trench. Yeah I know, total Double Impact bizzaro world, but it was kind of cool. I mean seriously, most people I know think Hasselhoff is a total creep anyway, but now imagine the director being like "okay David, we need to you to be you, but as creepy as possible." Mindfuck, right. Sure, I wouldn't show up to a party with him, or let him see the crew's secret handshake, but I'd keep watch at the bathroom door while he upperdecked the toilet.
Willie Nelson--Otherwise known as OG Willie Nelson, this dude is for real. I always picture showing up at a party and Willie's camped out in a recliner by the keg with a harem of hot Almost Famous-looking groupies hanging all over him. Of course he just blitzkreiged them with some of his Amsterdam stash, but hey, thats how OG's roll, rookie. He doesn't even have to trip about anal bombing either, college girls are just like, all slow: "do whatever Willie, I'm totally baaaaked."
Slash and Duff (Velvet Revolver Era)--This might be a little Bill and Ted weird for Slash and Duff (Prime Guns And Roses Era) to deal with, but Slash and Duff (Velvet Revolver Era) are still pretty cool. Not "crew" cool, but cool in like a, "yeah I'm sober, but I'm alive, and I owe it all to martial arts" kind of way.
Wayne Gretzky--Obviously the Great One is going to be in my fantasy party crew, but I'm talking pre-Janet Jones, blazing blond feather mullet, 1st Stanley Oiler cup era Gretzky. Besides the fact that he pulled more wool as a 17-year-old than the entire Canadian fur-trapping industry, he was also rocking herb the entire decade. Did you ever see those pictures of him back on his parent's farm? Where's Wayne? I don't know...oh, there he is, joyriding the tractor all bake-ayed and pulling donuts with Keith out in the field. He still has crazy party game, but back then he'd just stroll into a bar with Paul Coffey and Messier after lighting up some sieve for four goals, still wearing his blue Tuuk Daousts, and maybe some red and black flannel, and sloppy nufi chicks would be throwing pussy at him. Even fathers would be like "Hey Wayner, get my daughter pregnant, eh. I want my grandkid to play in the show." Mad Game. The only downside to having Gretz in your crew is that Marty McSorely will be calling constantly looking to skeez into the scene and you know that guy brings the heaviest of heavy vibes.
Jack Black--Considering how many times me and my friends, and you and your friends, have drunk dialed his cellphone, I would already consider Jack Black one of my crew. Did you see him punt Ron Burgundy's dog Baxter off that bridge in Anchorman? That guy parties hard and I barely even have to mention the "D" and he's lighting up the ladies with a tribute to the greatest song of all time.
Slash and Duff (Prime Guns & Roses Era)--As far as I'm concerned, Slash is G'NR ever since Axl decided to spend the last decade on a Bowflex only to resurface with braids, a Raiders jersey and Buckethead. What the Fuck?!! Slash and Duff are like the definition of 80s party, plus latenight we can all go back to the crib and they can mellow out the entire 'Lies' album on acoustics while The Great One rolls sticky doobs till the sun comes up.
Roy Scheider--No not Deuce Bigalow, I'm talking ROY Scheider, aka, Chief Brody of Jaws fame. Aside from a career ending stint on Seaquest, Scheids was stellar starring with Gene Hackman in The French Connection (arguably the best buddy cop duo movie ever) and did I mention he fucking killed Jaws, twice!! Once with a shotgun into the scuba tank as the boat was sinking, and he still had enough strength to kickboard it back to shore(probably over three miles) and once by holding an electrical rod two feet from his body and letting the 30 foot shark bite it. This old timers got balls the size of zeppelins. Imagine him at a bar? He probably dares chicks to turn him down.
Rick Petko--Without a doubt the best bike builder in the OCC garage, plus he's not an ego trip. While Jr. and Sr. are throwing less-than-hetero diva hissy fits at each other, guess whos toughing it out in the trenches making sure the bikes get built in time? You guessed it--Rick fucking Petko. The only time he takes a break is to blowdry his freebird feather mull or to three-quarter cut the sleeves on his OCC gear like he's a minor league shortstop. His wife is probably hot as shit but he still parties it up with the crew at night just to get some laughs before he goes home all perfectly buzzed and stuffs her like a thanksgiving turkey.
Bob from China Lion--As far as I'm concerned this little yellow man is a straight up legend. He opens the best Chinese restaurant in the tri-state area, never forgets a face even though its obviously packed every night, gives you a tease of what heaven might taste like if it were stir-fryed in a Sesame/Szechaun combo dish, then shuts up shop and goes way underground like Chin. Buck Chin, the realtor? No Animal Chin you tard! Not to mention the instant street cred you'd get showing up at a party with a mythic figure like this in your crew, but you know the gang is gonna wanna grub nasty late night, and Bob just appears out of nowhere with a huge order of Spare Ribs all "Who Hungwee?"
PEOPLE I'D BRO WITH AT A PARTY, BUT WOULDN'T CONSIDER PART OF THE CREW (by Simon Zealotes)
The Rockers--Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannety wore more neon spandex than a Rainbow Day Parade and The Tour De France combined but they totally partied. I'd rock hi fives with these guys all night, and they rock hi fives with each other after blowing a bunch of coke and Double Teaming someones hot little sister in her parents' bedroom.
Wooderson--The man of the woods. This guys all about good times. The party at the moontower was his idea, in case you dont remember. While Affleck was crying in his beer because the party at Prickfords busted, this soldier was out collecting for kegs and spreading the word about a new fiesta in the making. Plus he always has a bunch of young chicks around so Slash and Duff can get their Statuator on.
Dangerous Hasselhoff--I caught this one episode of Knight Rider the other night where Mitch and Kit had to track down this outlaw who was played by David Hasselhoff as well, but he had a Marion Cobretti beard and wore a black wife beater with a grey trench. Yeah I know, total Double Impact bizzaro world, but it was kind of cool. I mean seriously, most people I know think Hasselhoff is a total creep anyway, but now imagine the director being like "okay David, we need to you to be you, but as creepy as possible." Mindfuck, right. Sure, I wouldn't show up to a party with him, or let him see the crew's secret handshake, but I'd keep watch at the bathroom door while he upperdecked the toilet.
Willie Nelson--Otherwise known as OG Willie Nelson, this dude is for real. I always picture showing up at a party and Willie's camped out in a recliner by the keg with a harem of hot Almost Famous-looking groupies hanging all over him. Of course he just blitzkreiged them with some of his Amsterdam stash, but hey, thats how OG's roll, rookie. He doesn't even have to trip about anal bombing either, college girls are just like, all slow: "do whatever Willie, I'm totally baaaaked."
Slash and Duff (Velvet Revolver Era)--This might be a little Bill and Ted weird for Slash and Duff (Prime Guns And Roses Era) to deal with, but Slash and Duff (Velvet Revolver Era) are still pretty cool. Not "crew" cool, but cool in like a, "yeah I'm sober, but I'm alive, and I owe it all to martial arts" kind of way.
posted by Gearheart @ 1:09 AM
1 Comments:
At 3:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
brilliant! gets better everytime i read it....though i must point out, it's roy scheider, sans the n...
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