TOP TEN REASONS WHY IM TAKING A LEAVE OF ABSENCE FROM LAW SCHOOL - ( by Ty Webb and Carl Spackler (collectively))

1. Summer-Poolhouse-Upperdecker El Nino Blumpkin season is right around the corner and I need to practice my splashdowns.

2. Taking some time off to "Lift and Work on my Music". If you would dig Sylvester Stallone playing the music of Neil Young then you'd be a fan.

3. Decided to open a sweet BYOB pool hall/dart room/arcade called "The Emporium" where the Cove currently sits.

4. My guitar wants to kill your momma.

5. I've become a Tailor, and am weaving the Emperor's new clothes.

6. Need to work on my tan so I can be bronzed for the moneyshot when I shoot my next porn film, "Sex on the Beach: The Screaming Seagull".

7. Need to get real good at golf so that I can get onto the PGA Tour and collect those oversize tournament checks.

8. I'm buying a stairway to heaven.

9. Got shot while hunting with Dick Cheney, need time to recover before heading back to the books.

10. Im taking it upon myself to personally guard the U.S./Mexico border (despite the fact that when I grow my dirt -stash I am basically a Mexican)

THOUGHTS RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING THE BIG RED'S 3-2 VICTORY OVER COLORADO COLLEGE (by B2Kolp)

-- What's up now,
-- Bitches?
-- Holy Cross???

RANDOM PIECE OF PAPER STUCK ON MY CAR THIS MORNING ENTITLED "THE LIST" that I WAS COMPELLED TO POST BECAUSE OF THE CREEPY COINCIDENCE VIBE EVEN THOUGH IT TOTALLY SUCKS AS A LIST (By Kid Springsteen, but for arguements sake, lets just say its from God)

--Peanut Butter
--Jelly
--Yogurt
--Waffles?
--Crackers
--Granola Bars
--Noodles
--Pita Stuff?
--The Shins CD "Oh Inverted World"
--Axe
--Blank CD
--Hand Towle

HOW TO EVEN GO ABOUT ASKING A GIRL TO TAKE A DUMP ON YOUR CHEST (By Wolf Bait Jackson)

--"Look Gina, if you're not gonna go down on me, would you at least take a dump on my chest?"
--"Uh..excuse me, do like pizza and taking a dump on a guy's chest? What, you don't like pizza?
--Take a shit on her chest and pray that she lives by the 'an eye for an eye' creed.
--Since you're a total pervert and you're probably paying for sex anyway, just tell her you'll throw in an extra $50 if she drops sloppy on your pecs.
--Say please.
--Take her out to a huge, dirty, Mexican dinner. Bring her back to the pad and get her into a little reverse cowgirl. As soon as she straddles you, start tickling her like crazy until she shits herself. As shes freaking out with embarrasment you are secretly smiling and smelling it you sick fuck!
--Make yourself invisible. Lay down across her toilet.

VICTORIA'S SECRET (by Yo Needik!)

--I am a total slut.
--You might think I'm a total slut because Im strutting around in this lace thong and we just met five minutes ago, but really, I'm a total tease and I won't let you even take off my bra.
--You might think I'm a tease because I'm strutting around in this lace thong five minutes after we just met, but actually, I'm a total slut. And I've got the herp-dog.
--My name is Victor. And yes, that is my dick rubbing against your back as we spoon. Sucker.
--When I said I just wanted to cuddle, it wasn't that I didn't want to have sex with you. Its just that I had raging diahrea all night.
--One time I fucked this random homeless guy in the subway bathroom because I was on exctasy.
--I was born with a tail.
--I just moved ahead of Clark Cooke for sole possession of 12th place on the Murray Avenue Small Playground all-time street hockey goal scoring list.
--Michael Jackson's didn't come over to my house to take a shit...but his sister did!

FAT LADY FROM THE PLANE, YOU OWE ME SOME LOOT (by Father Blaze)

--You were so, so nice. I'm not taking that away from you. You asked me about my book and where I was going, and I replied though I am ashamed to say I could not look you in the eye because I was so CRAZY PISSED.

--A typical plane seat in economy class is approximately 17 inches. Breaking down my 9.2-hour roundtrip journey, I paid approximately $127 for those 17 inches. By my most modest calculations, you owe me $27.70 for the four inches of comfort and privacy you robbed me of.

--Let's round that figure up to $30 for that spot where your massive thigh was rubbing against me the whole 2.5-hour flight. Add another $5 (again modest) for our shared armrest having to be up because your dump truck could not fit in the seat when it was down. If I wanted to put my seat back, I had to pretend like it wasn't embarrassing for you (yes, I was concerned about your feelings, too) for me to ask you to lean forward so I could pull out the armrest a little and push in my button.

--Good thing I didn't want to see the in-flight movie, your shoulder fat was hindering my view of the screen, forced to view the screen that was too far away. Thanks for that too.

--I by no means hate fat people. I believe in the freedom to do or eat anything you want so long as it does not infringe on my freedom. This is purely a matter of financial injustice.

--I'm just saying that if you need two seats, pay for two seats. Don't hate because I paid just as much, if not more, for those precious 17 inches of limited plane space.

--If you're out there, please mail $34.63 before January 8 or $34.61 after (I'll pay for the stamp--it's only fair).

IN MEATLOAF'S CLASSIC HIT SINGLE, "I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR LOVE...BUT I WON'T DO THAT"...HERE IS A LIST OF POSSIBLILITES FOR WHAT "THAT" COULD BE...(Source2)


Smoke cock or take it up the baloon knot

Let you experiment with tossing salad because your skank friends do it and said it was "actually a turn on"

Go down on a super hairy beaver

Give up my professional street hockey dream

Stop blazin nugz

Listen to Coldplay

Cut back on my drinking during the week

Throw out my Converse Sneaks

Stop wearing cut offs at the dinner table with sweat pants

Stop picking my nose and flicking my boogers everywhere

Use a condom when you are off the pill for a while.

Not watch every regular season Yankees game as if it were Game 7

Participate in public displays of affection

Burn you your own copies of my chronological live Pearl Jam collection since 1992

Stop posting lists on FLF that degrade women

WHY YOU MIGHT FAIL YOUR DRIVERS TEST THE FIRST TIME (by Shot!Shot!Kiss)

--You are blind and have no arms and no legs
--You knock the instructor's cup of coffee off the dashboard
--Balancing the steering wheel with your knees while loading a one-hitter isn't the proper way to drive (no matter what Spencer taught you)
--Asking the instructor if he minds if you two roll by Leonardo's for a couple slices of Si.
-- Making an illegal left turn into the high school, then chilling at A-Wall.
--While switching into third gear you accidentally grab the guy's dick. (**if its hard you'll probably still pass, but you will be stuck in the creepiest afterschool special ever. Fortunately you may be able to get those Leo's slices afterall)
--You pick up some heads, beep Shake, and tell him you'll meet him under the bridge by Imperial.
--Failing to come to a complete stop.
--After coming to a complete stop you say out loud S-T-O-P, smile at the instructor, then pump the biggest Hydraulic bounce dance since Ice Cube's It Was A Good Day video.
--Suggesting that since you're already in New Rochelle if the instructor wouldn't mind keeping his head ducked while you cruise North Ave.
--Nailing some old geezers crossing the Winged Foot driveway and then calculating your point totals.
--Blasting System of a Down as you swerve across a double yellow line on Boston Post Road to pass some minivan traffic.
--Getting caught disengaging the instructors passenger-side brake set while he registers your paper work in the DMV