FAT LADY FROM THE PLANE, YOU OWE ME SOME LOOT (by Father Blaze)

--You were so, so nice. I'm not taking that away from you. You asked me about my book and where I was going, and I replied though I am ashamed to say I could not look you in the eye because I was so CRAZY PISSED.

--A typical plane seat in economy class is approximately 17 inches. Breaking down my 9.2-hour roundtrip journey, I paid approximately $127 for those 17 inches. By my most modest calculations, you owe me $27.70 for the four inches of comfort and privacy you robbed me of.

--Let's round that figure up to $30 for that spot where your massive thigh was rubbing against me the whole 2.5-hour flight. Add another $5 (again modest) for our shared armrest having to be up because your dump truck could not fit in the seat when it was down. If I wanted to put my seat back, I had to pretend like it wasn't embarrassing for you (yes, I was concerned about your feelings, too) for me to ask you to lean forward so I could pull out the armrest a little and push in my button.

--Good thing I didn't want to see the in-flight movie, your shoulder fat was hindering my view of the screen, forced to view the screen that was too far away. Thanks for that too.

--I by no means hate fat people. I believe in the freedom to do or eat anything you want so long as it does not infringe on my freedom. This is purely a matter of financial injustice.

--I'm just saying that if you need two seats, pay for two seats. Don't hate because I paid just as much, if not more, for those precious 17 inches of limited plane space.

--If you're out there, please mail $34.63 before January 8 or $34.61 after (I'll pay for the stamp--it's only fair).