Fun List Fridays

We Present: Random Lists of Distinctly Selected Items. If you would like to contribute a list, please email us and include your list, list title, and post name in the body of the email. We do not discriminate or edit.

Thursday, April 20, 2006


- You are so hip with your denim skirt, black tights, HUGE eurotrash glasses and Ugg boots but its fucking 70 degrees! Show some of that fur laden , bleach white skin before I kill myself.

- Maybe you think you can bathe less since your skirt lets in the breeze - Bath and body works only goes so far - time to lather up and wash that beast for the summer time

- I understand you want to where the skirt cause you think it makes your ass look smaller than the cadillac your whopper father drives but hey - its huge

-- Every single girl you claim to be better than owns the same skirt. You graduated in 02 and its time to leave your drunken college past times behind - no one likes you and when the Purple Shamrock doesn't card you - there's a problem.

- The shorter that skirt is, the more of your chunky legs we can see. Hey from the front your not half bad - but the second you walk past we find out Bode Miller could rock the mogul run down the ripples on your backside

- In 02 when these first hit the scene we loved them. The shorter the better especially in uptight N. E. They have run their course so hang that shit up.

Monday, April 17, 2006


Ate the most intense heady pot brownies @ 6am for a 7am flight out of Newark, NJ

A couple on the plane who kept trying to make small talk about their new color screen video iPODs. Don't they know that Ty Webb has an old IPOD and was so fucking high that he was seeing triple at this point and not listening?

Married couple who woke up a pissed off Source2 at 7:45 just to tell me that they were going to start drinking because it was St Patty's day. At this point I felt like I was tripping my face off and wanted to do nothing but watch Thundercats while under my old Thundercat blanket, but I ultimately thanked them and ordered a Screwdriver.

Source2 had a nervous breakdown after realizing forgotten iPOD on dresser. Flight atendant complained.

Golf Bags of course had not arrived with us in Arizona. They showed up at Midnight, 7 hours before our Saturday morning tee-time, causing a major panic/drunken episode on Friday night.

Polished a $80 bottle of Patron Tequilla in under an hour upon our arrival.

Started drinking double Crown Royal/Sour/Soda's at 7:43 1st hole.

Did not win longest drive or closest to pin contests, but did capture highest bar tab award during tourney resulting in bottle of Crown.

Went to a club Saturday night and Ty Webb lost "The Contest" to Charles Barkley in the Bathroom but was "ok" with it...How do you win against those odds?

A drunk and limber Ty Webb approached 2 girls who had been previously Double Teamed in the past by a friend of the host and inquired about a possilbe roast for himself. He was turned down quickly because they heard he lost "The Contest" to Charles Barkley
POSSIBLE SUPER POWERS THAT JON ARONSON IS CAPABLE OF HAVING(Source2 and Ty Webb)(This list was lost for apx..1 year, 4 months, 20 has finally resurfaced from the abyss I call 'My desk')

Can morph into Falcor from The Never Ending Story

Can convert Falcor to the "Dark Side of the Force" and kill Atreyu with lightning bolts from his penis.

Can execute Steven Seagal like pressure points and kill anyone...anyone!

Can make Bacon, Egg, and Cheese sandwiches appear at his fingertips

Can get high if he just thinks real hard about it

The ability to fart weed smoke

The ability to control the bowel movements of anyone worldwide

Can make Trey from Phish be his personal theme music and follow him around with a guitar while he walks

Saturday, April 15, 2006

**From a strict "cred" standpoint(establishing yours, wrecking mines), don't send us any lists from Craigslist, your coworkers forwards, or any other source besides your imagination. Sooner or later some nerdy cyber vulture is gonna bust you and send a shitload of annoying (though truthful) emails to our mailbox, and that just ain't cool.

But keep ya head up l'il nukkas. I ain't mad atcha.
--Tupac Shakur, FLF resident fact checker.


--You have a soul

--You saw that dick in the SUV shane me out and not let me in and you come to the realization that (a) you dont want to be like him, and (b) judging from the crazy-like-the-wolf look in my eyez that I might actually get out of my car and pummel your daughter half to death with a combination of roundhouse kicks and straight whip lacerations from the windshield of your car which I have ripped off in a complete rage.

--Im a nice guy

--I'm a "progressive" left turner. Seriously, I am all about forward motion and progressing. Even though I am making a left as soon as I move in front of you and you will not only be one car back in the cue, but you'll also have to wait for me to turn, I will do it as quickly and with as little regard for safety as possible. I am a firm beleiver in 'making the moment' as opposed to waiting for the moment to present itself. If there is so much as a half a second's hesitation on the part of oncoming traffic I will bust across the intersection and you will never see me again.

--I use my turn signals, and rarely slam on my brakes. Have no fear of ending up in my trunk, dear lady in the Escort. You will be forewarned of any turning or stopping as we parade through this shitty rush hour traffic in perfect harmony. If you so much as tap my bumper, let it be known that it is fully your fault and I will sue you for all of your husband's income you frigid blind cow.

--I just passed my manditory California smog and emissions test, so riding behind me is quite smooth and comfortable. I know how it is to be stuck behind the equivalent of a Spy Hunter Smoke Screen, but believe me, if you let me into your lane there will be no such thing. However, I cannot guarantee that I won't be blasting the Spy Hunter theme song from my CD player, so deal!

--Being that you are so busy babbling on your cellphone that you have barely noticed that I creeped nearly halfway to the point of no return in lane mergance, just continue talking and soon I will be in front of you and things will be fine. Its a win/win. Besides, I can't help thinking that soccer moms on cellphones are so natural at not paying attention to the road that they should just continue doing what they do best. Its like, "go ahead, talk incessently to your girlfriend about some stupid shit, its what God put you on this planet for right?".

--I am an habitual green light stretcher. You know when you stare at a green light for long enough, it starts to fade to a yellowish color. In traffic school they teach you that that is a "yellow light" and it means you should slow down and prepare to stop. I believe it is just my mind playing tricks on me because I am late for work and therefore unless it is red, than its obviously green. Trust me lady in the escort, I won't stop, and subsequently neither will you. You don't have to thank me, this is just how I roll.

--I don't have any bumper stickers. I know the "Life Is A Beach" sticker never gets old in San Diego, but when will people learn that sitting in traffic is not the equivalent of taking a fat dump. It just isn't. If Im shitting I'll read anything (newspaper, Maxim, the contents of my wallet, the racial jokes on the bathroom stall, a furniture catalog, whatever.) But when Im stuck in bumper to bumper rush hour traffic the last thing I want to be reminded of is the fact that I don't have a private jet and am forced to stare at the 2x6 piece of plastic adhesive advertising that you are a tool.


--Any of the female teachers that have made headlines for having sex with their students. Is it me or are ALL of these nutjobs complete smoke shows. Yeah, they're crazy, and its like, illegal, but think of all the crazy people you've hooked up with in your life. Whats a better story?: I hooked up with that crazy chick Pam from Accounts Recievable, or I fucked Ms. Sherwood. It was crazy!)

--Ms. Sherwood. Mamaroneck High School english teacher, I would've traded my entire 1990 Pro-Set complete series hockey cards for this grammatical goddess to have ushered me into adulthood. I bet she would've been all mellow about it too, like, my husband's out of town you wanna hang out on my fouton and smoke a joint. Then I'll sit on top of you and fuck yr brains out.

--Miss Bliss. Early pre-Slater era Saved By The Bell teacher. Wasn't that hot but you know Zach tried to tag it. Plus, she appeared to be the only teacher in the whole fucking middle school so if you're boning her on the regular than you and your Reebok high tops have it made in the shade.

--Drew Barrymore. Teacher in required stoner cult flik Donnie Darko. Even though I am currently working on a list entitled "things that are so 'cute' I want to destroy them" and she ranks in at number 4, I would still touch her where she pees and wouldn't tell the principal (or Swayze) if she fucked me afterschool. Actually it would've been cool if that weird beam of liquid led Donnie into her vagina as opposed to his little sisters room to murder her. That could've been the porno version: Danny Dork Her. But hey, Im just an ideas guy.

--That nerdy teacher from Clueless. Sure she's frumpy and looks like she lives with about 27 cats, but there's something hot about nerds with sexual appetites (see: Katherine Zambito). Also, its a Hollywood flick so they probably cast an 8 or 9 and then dressed her down to a 5 or 6, so as long as you commit, you'll be rewarded. Also, you could do a lot worse in terms of fantasy teachers, i.e. Mrs Grundy from the Archie Comics and that creepy cult leader in a wheelchair from 90210.

--Ms. Irrizari. Another Mamaroneck High School wasted rape-that-never-was. The amount of cocaine I fantasized about snorting from between her jubbly luv pillows could be considered criminal with intent to distribute.

Friday, April 14, 2006


- "send me your shots" for the 400th time this week here is the same list I have sent you since day one but lets talk about it again. I understand your little sack revolves around this tall hamster wheel building but I couldn't give a shit. This list is as real as Jenny mcCarthy's rack. If you can find me one retard on the list who will sign this used car deal I will jump around like the rabid monkey who runs this place.

- "Did you call that guy?" yeah I called him 14 times and left nice short messages about this fucking issue and how we should meet up and bang whores. I'm sure he enjoys deleting these messages from his phone almost as much as I like leaving them. Part of me feels like calling him again because by this point I am even annoyed with my own voice! I can see him there looking at his phone as it rings. " who the fuck is this...i bet its that shit bag again." You have one new message, would you like to here this message? "hey ______ just checking in to see about that....message deleted" Ahh now I can rub one out in the back room!

- "we are gonna fix your commission" yeah I have been hearing that since January yet I don't see the sweet ass upgrade you speak of. The money debt just keeps growing and my wallet keeps getting thinner. I hope you cockslappers enjoy your box seats at tonights game, If you need me I will be eating Ramen with my future wife and cat. Can I borrow a match to lite this prayer candle?

- " We need to get you more shots" Yeah I know - lets sit in your office and look through 9000 accounts to find that one cherry that we haven't popped with our corporate cocks. Oh wait - what about this one - oh no they went out of buisness, Damn! so fucking close. "I have already done this and called a few people" wait wait here's one - yeah call them offer them a cheap ad. I'm sure the monkey fucking the football last year offered them the same sweet deal yet just couldn't get it done - strange isn't it.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006


Far be it from me to tell you how to run your band honcho, but let me be the first to tell you that your band doesn’t get instantly 'rawk' when you add ‘Wolf’ to the title. Yes, we know you’re awesome:
--Wolfmother-Your Afro moves me
--Wolf Parade-Your hype burns through my Polyester suit like Nerve Gas to my Nuts.
--Wolf Eyes-I want to slit my wrists when I listen to you guys, but I said the same thing when I was lubing up to Mazzy Star for the first time.
--We Are Wolves-Fuck the Maple Leafs, but you guys rawk-go Devils.
--Superwolf (Yeah, we love Will Oldham-that’s why you’re on here, but this band should’ve been called Ambien: And How I Can Stay Awake and Alive While Chugging a Full Bottle).
Guys-if the band sucks, don’t crap out and put ‘Wolf’ in front of your band name wet-dreaming that somebody will accidentally buy your record at Sam Goody thinking that they’re getting something rawk.
--Howlin’ Wolf-You’re pretty awesome in an American Graffiti-meets-45” Vinyl-meets Crystal Meth-of Blues Singers type of way.
--Aids Wolf-You’re not…keep that experimental crunk in a Lab. G’day Mate.
--Los Lobos-You guys are the awesomest for being Mexican.
If I had a band, I’d call it, Le Quemo La Casa, which doesn’t have ‘Wolf’ in the title, but has ‘I Will Burn Your House Down’ in the title…which means we’d kick your ass straight-up Barrio style.