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Tuesday, April 04, 2006

NO, YOUR BAND WILL NOT GET BETTER IF YOU ADD 'WOLF' TO THE NAME (By Glenn Braggs)

Far be it from me to tell you how to run your band honcho, but let me be the first to tell you that your band doesn’t get instantly 'rawk' when you add ‘Wolf’ to the title. Yes, we know you’re awesome:
--Wolfmother-Your Afro moves me
--Wolf Parade-Your hype burns through my Polyester suit like Nerve Gas to my Nuts.
--Wolf Eyes-I want to slit my wrists when I listen to you guys, but I said the same thing when I was lubing up to Mazzy Star for the first time.
--We Are Wolves-Fuck the Maple Leafs, but you guys rawk-go Devils.
--Superwolf (Yeah, we love Will Oldham-that’s why you’re on here, but this band should’ve been called Ambien: And How I Can Stay Awake and Alive While Chugging a Full Bottle).
Guys-if the band sucks, don’t crap out and put ‘Wolf’ in front of your band name wet-dreaming that somebody will accidentally buy your record at Sam Goody thinking that they’re getting something rawk.
--Howlin’ Wolf-You’re pretty awesome in an American Graffiti-meets-45” Vinyl-meets Crystal Meth-of Blues Singers type of way.
--Aids Wolf-You’re not…keep that experimental crunk in a Lab. G’day Mate.
--Los Lobos-You guys are the awesomest for being Mexican.
If I had a band, I’d call it, Le Quemo La Casa, which doesn’t have ‘Wolf’ in the title, but has ‘I Will Burn Your House Down’ in the title…which means we’d kick your ass straight-up Barrio style.

3 Comments:

  • At 1:26 AM, Anonymous Rube Baker said…

    Wolf Bait- I don't know if anyone ever told you this before, but you should be opening for creed. You queebs stink so bad, it smells like straight up wolf shit.

     
  • At 8:31 AM, Anonymous whompum willy said…

    aids wolf??? is that shit for real? i mean, really, was nazi penis already taken?

     
  • At 5:49 AM, Anonymous Mark Knudson said…

    Guitar Wolf- buncha punk Japs who like ufos, jets, and other space-related things. they make my ears bleed and my eyes squinty.

     

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