My Additions to the list of Things/People That Need to Ease
(By The Sheriff)
Retired Diamondback Fans - okay, your team not only licks ass, plays in hot-ass shitty Phoenix, and might win the NL Worst with a 51-111 record this season, but it creates ten-mile-long huge-ass RV traffic jams. Your team just got smoked by the Padres, your vehicle is like 97 feet long, and you won't drive the fucker more than 40 mph. Ease, or better yet, die. Just not in my lane.....And they should have kept Tony Womack so that he couldn't fuck up the Yankees outfield anymore.
Coach Carter- the movie advertising blitz, and the actual guy himself. Let the fucking kids be thugs and play basketball. AI did it. Public Education is bullshit.
Apollo Moon Landing Conspiracy Theorists - If it's not the shadows, it's the flag waving. If it's not the flag, it's the absent blast-landing crater. If it's not the crater, it's the fact that your glassified, patchy-facial-hair-havin' domepiece has been buried in old photos for thirty-five years. In the meantime, you missed all the cool stuff like getting laid, driving a Rigarelli on I-95, and funlist fridays. Fucking ease, nerds.
eHarmony.com ads - okay, so I guess divorced yuppies need to find love too, and maybe online, but let's be serious here: One - the guy is too happy and he looks like the old pervert from "Being John Malkovich." Two- C'mon, when I see all the happy people who found each other all I'm thinking to myself is "Dude, I wouldn't click on that fat old hag's profile, even if it did show tit." Let all the eHarmony people go to Diamonback games and meet each other.
Parking Officers- out here they drive little three-wheeled Urkel golf carts. All I want to do is ram them and flip 'em over and laugh at their pain. Ease on giving me tickets for parking in my own fucking driveway, waifish pasty redhead guy. Or huge intimidating angry black woman.
The Unnamed Middle Eastern Dictator in Iron Eagle - You know that by holding herioc Colonel Ted Masters captive, you're only pissing off little Doug Masters. It's a good thing pre-Sept. 11 base security was lax enough to allow an 18 year old kid to steal an F-16 and fuck your arrogant ass up, because it was so sweet to see your 1/12 scale balsa model Mig get blown the fuck out of the Middle Eastern sky. Maybe it messed up your makeup, too, you pre-Saddam stereotype dickwad. Ease. And to the producers of said film - ease on preying on my patriotic fears/uneasiness. The US is cool, fuck everyone else. When I saw this movie when I was 9, it totally resonated. And, as sweet of a song as "Road of the Gypsy" is, the movie is about flying, not driving. Ease.
E.J. Hradek - seriously, set-up the uplink directly from your Atlantic City hotel room. And add some more grease to your sketchy hair. And as soon as the camera shuts off, resume beating up your trashy A.C. prostitute and feeding Panger peanuts in his cage. And know shit about hockey, you fucking greaseball. Ease, EJ. Let's just clone Buccigross, do a Melrose 24 hour reality show, and send me to do play-by-play with all three Baiocco Bros. as color guys. That would fucking rule.
Males who are obsessed with Laguna Beach - no comment here, you know who you are.
Lil'Ceez Haters - You don't smoke weed, you don't fish, and Ceez is out there pulling toads while you are sitting in OC somewhere, hating. Fuck that.
Source 2- the Geico ad where the Cro-Magnon evolving men order the roast duck with mango salsa is pretty funny. Ease.