Fun List Fridays

We Present: Random Lists of Distinctly Selected Items. If you would like to contribute a list, please email us and include your list, list title, and post name in the body of the email. We do not discriminate or edit.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006


--Happy Holidays: Tickets to see Ellen! (I'd rather be "upside down with a fucking fork in my ass")

--Have Santa send a letter to your child (My little ninos don't even know who I am)

--tiny (I know he's not talking about me, or is he?)

--I'll show you how I legally rob banks (Thanks but I like my anus tight)

--Discovered in Germany now available in US... (Hey Krauts, we already know about the Hoff, you can keep him)

--Get a complimentary Horoscope from Rochelle gordon... (Unless she mumbles it to me while choking on my unholsterd meat spear, I'll pass)

--giblets accurately (huh?)

--Lana wrote: (See complimentary horoscope)

Monday, November 27, 2006

You might have a problem IF: (by Ty Webb)

1. You're unmarried and already losing your hair. Get a grip dude,
stop trying to sow your wild oats and get wifed up before your
forehead turns into a 5head. No marriage-worthy chick would go for a
shiny top loser, and if she did, she would make you pay for a
thick-haired personal trainer/poolboy/tennis instructor to give her
what you can't, something to run her hands through, other than your
unsightly back hair chodeswipe.

2. You're under 40 and can't get it up. Viagara is for old guys, if
you're already having trouble mustering the soldier its time to quit
living and apply to my school for counter-terrorist suicide bombers.
We train you, strap you up with explosives, and deploy you to locales
with the intention of counter-terrorizing the people who cheer when
Americans are killed by terrorists. Then at least the women you've
left unsatisfied and not-so-secretly laughing would have something to
be proud of you for. Depending on your religious views there might
even be 72 virgins waiting for you in heaven. Too bad you can't get
it up loser.

3. Your name is on the McRib list and is preceded by a minus sign. If
something sweet (or something pathetic) can theoretically be used to
make the McRib (or McShred) only once your loser ass is subtracted
from it, you my friend have a problem.

4. You stop by the cellar bar just to pick up a pack of cigarrettes
and scope the scene. Even though your motives are highly hetero (scan
the room for too-drunk slop tarts you can offer a not-so-innocent ride
home to), your methods are queerer than folk. You indeed have a
problem. (Author Edit: this might have been mentioned before, long
ago, but its worthy of mention again, due to the repeat offender's
continued exposition of a problem. They also have some serious
explaining to do.)

5. Your name is on the List "If your name is on this list you have
some serious explaining to do".

6. You need to wear an adult diaper. My ex-gf knew a girl in college
who got anal dogged fromby and had her O Ring busted in the process.
This poor coed lost all control of her bowel movements as a result,
and on one occasion while wearing a short skirt, dropped sloppy in the
middle of a crowded party. From then on, she was humorously referred
to as "Sphincter Girl". If this sounds like something you experience,
you might have a problem (as well as some serious explaining/cleanup
to do).

Thursday, November 16, 2006

People that have yet to come out of their closet but will do so in the next year (by Bob Justice)

Ryan Seacrest - Dude is totally in denial. He lays the bone on ol' Simon while Paula films it.

T.O. - This douche bitches more than Sheriff's mom on holiday. His next book will describe how to "good game" by grabbing sack instead of ass.

Mario Lopez - That fagmo squeezed out a cry on dancing w/ the starz after losing to ego maniac Emit Smith on "Dancing with the Starz." Only a quermo would dance with/out guaranteed puntang. These guys got payed in bizzlows by each other.

A. Rod - The biggest rider of pole in MLB. Nuff said.

K Fedd - I don't understand what B saw in ur scrawny ass, but you sir are a F A G. What how I swoop on that snatch. Hit ME baby one more time!

The EDGE - Every time before the encore, Edge plunges me 20 to 30 times up his ass. He doesn't even bother to disinfect before hand. Klingons aren't only in the Star Trek universe.

* (A note from Bob Justice) Alright Source2, nobody calls out Bono's Tampon. Nobody!
** (Another note from Bob Justice) Nooch on the nob bitches
*** (Yet another note from Bob Justice) There are plenty of other switch-hitters out there. Post them in the comments now!)
**** (A note from Kid Springsteen) Dude, you more or less outted yourself when you referred to Britney Spears as "B".

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Malmsteen, Yngwie Bio pronounced (Ing-vay)(Source2 & Bauer Out)

Yngwie Malmsteen is arguably the most technically accomplished hard rock guitarist to emerge during the '80s. Combining a dazzling technique honed over years of obsessive practice with a love for such classical composers as Bach, Beethoven, and Paganini, Malmsteen's distinctively Baroque, gothic compositional style and lightning-fast arpeggiated solos rewrote the book on heavy metal guitar. His largely instrumental debut album, Rising Force, immediately upped the ante for aspiring hard rock guitarists and provided the major catalyst for the '80s guitar phenomenon known as "shredding," in which the music's main focus was on impossibly fast, demanding licks rather than songwriting. Malmsteen released a series of albums over the course of the '80s that, aside from slight differences in approach and execution, were strongly similar to Rising Force, and critics charged him with showing little artistic progression. He was also reviled as an egotist whose emphasis on blazing technique ultimately made for boring, mechanical, masturbatory music with no room for subtlety or emotion. Malmsteen responded by insisting that since he was already playing music he loved, he had no desire to develop any further, and that his love did come through in his playing. He also vehemently insisted that it was his imitators, not him, who reduced songwriting and composition to merely generic vehicles to show off the guitar player's amazing technique. Toward the end of the decade, Malmsteen fell out of favor with metal audiences, and even some of his musician fan base seemed to tire of him and the incredible amount of practice it would take for them to emulate him. Following a series of personal setbacks, tragedies, and even injuries, Malmsteen eventually resurfaced on small, independent labels and then recorded at a prolific, rapid pace, continuing to play the music he loved in his patented neo-classical style.

Yngwie (pronounced "ING-vay") Malmsteen was born Lars Johann Yngwie Lannerback in Stockholm, Sweden, in 1963, later adopting his mother's maiden name following his parents' divorce. He was an unruly child, and his mother tried without initial success to interest him in music as an outlet. However, when seven-year-old Yngwie saw a television special on the death of Jimi Hendrix featuring live performance footage of Hendrix setting his guitar on fire, he became obsessed with the guitar, learning to play the music of both Hendrix and favorites Deep Purple. Through Purple guitarist Ritchie Blackmore's use of diatonic minor scales over simple blues riffs, Malmsteen was led toward classical music, and his sister exposed him to composers like Bach, Beethoven, Vivaldi, and Mozart. He spent hours practicing obsessively until his fingers bled, and by age ten, his mother allowed him to stay home from school to develop his musical talents, particularly since he was considered a behavioral nightmare. Also at age ten, Malmsteen became enamored of the music of 19th century violinist/composer Niccolo Paganini, as well as Paganini's flamboyant style and wild-man image; this would provide the blueprint for Malmsteen's synthesis of classical music and rock. By the time he was 18, Malmsteen was playing around Sweden with various bands attempting to find an audience for his technically staggering instrumental explorations, but most listeners preferred more accessible pop music; frustrated, Malmsteen sent demo tapes to record companies overseas. When Mike Varney, president of Shrapnel Records -- a label synonymous with the term "shredder" -- heard Malmsteen's tape, he invited the guitarist to come to the United States and join the band Steeler in 1981.

Steeler recorded one album with Malmsteen on guitar, but dissatisfied with the band's rather generic style, Malmsteen moved on to the group Alcatrazz, whose Deep Purple and Rainbow influences better suited the guitarist's style. Still not quite satisfied, Malmsteen formed his own band, Rising Force, with longtime friend and keyboardist Jens Johansson. The new band's first album, also called Rising Force, was released in 1984; it was a largely instrumental affair spotlighting Malmsteen's incendiary guitar work and Johansson's nearly equally developed technique. The album was an immediate sensation in guitar circles, winning countless reader's polls in guitar magazines, reaching number 60 on Billboard's album chart (no mean feat for an instrumental album), and receiving a Grammy nomination for Best Rock Instrumental Performance. Malmsteen's subsequent albums, Marching Out and Trilogy, also sold quite well and consolidated his reputation and influence as a composer as well as a soloist. However, on June 22, 1987, a speeding Malmsteen crashed his Jaguar into a tree; in breaking the steering wheel with his head, he received a blood clot in his brain which nearly killed him and extensively damaged the nerves leading to his picking hand. In the course of recovery, he learned that his mother had died and that his manager had swindled him out of his earnings. Undaunted, Malmsteen regained the use of his hand and recorded Odyssey, his most accessible, radio-friendly collection to date; the single "Heaven Tonight" widened his audience beyond a devoted core of guitar fans and helped push the album into Billboard's Top 40. Following a world tour including the then-Soviet Union, the Rising Force unit disbanded, and Malmsteen formed a new band in his native Sweden for 1990's Eclipse. The album was a success in Europe and Japan, but stiffed in the U.S. without much promotion.

An angry Malmsteen left PolyGram and, prior to the release of 1992's Fire and Ice, he was married to and divorced from a Swedish pop singer. Fire and Ice debuted at number one on the Japanese charts, and Malmsteen toured the world again. However, disaster struck frequently over the next two years. Hurricane Andrew destroyed Malmsteen's Miami property; his manager of four years died of a heart attack; Elektra dropped him from their roster; a freak accident left the guitarist with a broken hand, in addition to frequent bouts of tendinitis caused by his lightning technique; and in August 1993, Malmsteen's future mother-in-law, opposed to his engagement to her daughter, had him falsely arrested for holding the woman hostage with a gun. The charges were quickly dropped, and Malmsteen secured a deal with the Japanese label Pony Canyon after his hand had healed completely. He returned to recording with a vengeance, releasing The Seventh Sign in 1994, as well as two mini-albums (Power and Glory and I Can't Wait), and then Magnum Opus in 1995 and the all-covers album Inspiration in 1996. After several years in near obscurity, Malmsteen returned to the headlines in 2002, after a fellow airline passenger threw water on Malmsteen after he allegedly made a slanderous comment about homosexuals. This incensed Malmsteen, who had to be escorted away by security, all the while he screamed to the passenger that she had "unleashed the f***king fury". This stint proved to be so popular in revitalizing his career that his come back album in 2005 appropriated the phrases as its title. While his popularity has largely faded in the U.S. due to a backlash against the excesses of '80s shredders, Malmsteen still finds audiences in Europe and is more popular in Japan and Asia than ever.

Pork Fat Sausage + Gristle + BBQ Sauce = MCRIB

Rat Meat + Red Dye #2 = MCRIB

Squirrel Guts + Whitesnake "Here I Go (again on my own)" Video - Tawney Catain = MCRIB

Uncle Jesse's Hair Gel Used In Season 2 of Full House + Eric Roberts Hair Gel Used In Best of the Best 1 + All Of The Gell Used In 'The Outsiders' - Ralph Machio + Entourage Episode with Machio - Pickles - Onions = MCRIB

Stems + Seeds + Resin + Apple Core Pipe + 3 Bud Heavys + Rare Faith No More B-sides = MCRIB

Guy That Owns Villa Maria With Spikey Hair And Glasses = MCRIB

Pigs In A Blanket From IHOP With Strawberry Syrup - Blanket - Syrup + BBQ Sauce = MCRIB

Girls With 'Sex In The City' Ringtones + Guys With 'Sex In The City' Ringtones + Ace Freehley = MCRIB

Giving Yourself Head - That Being Kinda Gay + Doing It Again + KC Masterpiece = MCRIB

Walters For Lunch + Candlelight For Dinner + Pats On The Way Home - Explosive Rea + Wanna Smell Of Mike 2 = MCRIB

Jogging - Cardio Burn + "Gleaming The Cube" on TNT - Matching Neon Tanktop and Shorts = MCRIB

'94 Stanley Cup - The Other Dad From My Two Dads Not Paul Reiser + 33 Sheep Balls + Archie's + Stepping It Up And Fucking A Passed Out Mercedes Laine = MCRIB