1. You're unmarried and already losing your hair. Get a grip dude,
stop trying to sow your wild oats and get wifed up before your
forehead turns into a 5head. No marriage-worthy chick would go for a
shiny top loser, and if she did, she would make you pay for a
thick-haired personal trainer/poolboy/tennis instructor to give her
what you can't, something to run her hands through, other than your
unsightly back hair chodeswipe.
2. You're under 40 and can't get it up. Viagara is for old guys, if
you're already having trouble mustering the soldier its time to quit
living and apply to my school for counter-terrorist suicide bombers.
We train you, strap you up with explosives, and deploy you to locales
with the intention of counter-terrorizing the people who cheer when
Americans are killed by terrorists. Then at least the women you've
left unsatisfied and not-so-secretly laughing would have something to
be proud of you for. Depending on your religious views there might
even be 72 virgins waiting for you in heaven. Too bad you can't get
it up loser.
3. Your name is on the McRib list and is preceded by a minus sign. If
something sweet (or something pathetic) can theoretically be used to
make the McRib (or McShred) only once your loser ass is subtracted
from it, you my friend have a problem.
4. You stop by the cellar bar just to pick up a pack of cigarrettes
and scope the scene. Even though your motives are highly hetero (scan
the room for too-drunk slop tarts you can offer a not-so-innocent ride
home to), your methods are queerer than folk. You indeed have a
problem. (Author Edit: this might have been mentioned before, long
ago, but its worthy of mention again, due to the repeat offender's
continued exposition of a problem. They also have some serious
explaining to do.)
5. Your name is on the List "If your name is on this list you have
some serious explaining to do".
6. You need to wear an adult diaper. My ex-gf knew a girl in college
who got anal dogged fromby and had her O Ring busted in the process.
This poor coed lost all control of her bowel movements as a result,
and on one occasion while wearing a short skirt, dropped sloppy in the
middle of a crowded party. From then on, she was humorously referred
to as "Sphincter Girl". If this sounds like something you experience,
you might have a problem (as well as some serious explaining/cleanup