Fun List Fridays

We Present: Random Lists of Distinctly Selected Items. If you would like to contribute a list, please email us and include your list, list title, and post name in the body of the email. We do not discriminate or edit.

Friday, June 30, 2006


"....I always saw through that weak-ass Clark Kent shit"

"...You were the worst lay."

"....Aaron Boone is total fag."

"...Suzanne licks PUSSY! I know, she told me!"

"....your supposed super cock is kinda average."

"....I was a total slut in college."

"...Your son has Azzurri-style hair. I think he's a mid for Juventus.!"

"....that Kryptonite you think really fucked you up, yeah, well that was really just a bunch of pencil shavings I put in a ziploc bag....

"....If you feel a slight burning and see cheesy discharge, ummmm, that wasn't me."

"...leaps tall buildings in a single bound, and I still haven't had an orgasm in three years...."

"....Jimmy emailed me some sweet pics of you in the shower he took on his camera phone"

" look creepily similar to Scott Gibson."

"...fat boy, give up, throw in the towel, your girl got dicked by RICKY POWELL!!!"

"...While you were "out of town" me and Richard stole your pet hampster and sold it on eBay. Then we convinced your "Aunt" that she lost it and you were gonna be SO pissed when you got back. She started crying...what a wuss.

"...Lex Luthor is so much smarter than you its not even funny. Plus he has a yacht. Your breath smells like oatmeal and kitty litter."

Monday, June 19, 2006


Oliver Stone
Mike Okun
Howie Okun
The surfing gorilla from T&C Surf Design on regular Nintendo
Mr. Okun
Mr. Blanco
Boo Boo Bear
Fred Flintstone


Below you will find examples of excuses that just don't cut it. They
are essentially half-assed cop-outs that are dropped because the
excusor doesn't have the balls to tell the truth. If you use any of
these excuses, be warned, they just don't cut it.

1. "My mom was really sick and needed me to take care of her, that's
why I stood you up on New Years Eve and didn't call you back for two
days after." In reality, the excusor was too much of a pussy to say,
my ex came over and I was fucking his brains out. I can handle getting
passed over, but this lame-ass excuse, delivered via voicemail, just
doesn't cut it. It's classier to say that you were doing the bone
dance with an ex than to lie and say your mom was sick and needed you,
on New Years Eve, because her boyfriend couldn't be there because he's
the bus driver for the Black Crowes. At least you could've included
your mom's boyfriend's cell number in the voicemail so I could've
spent my stood up New Years Eve on the bus with Kate Hudson and the
Black Crowes.

2. Your buddy blatantly tries to ask out your most recent
ex-girlfriend for "dinner and dancing". You call him on it and his
response is that he was "just being friendly". Dinner and dancing
might have just been friendly in 1950, but this is 2006; a chick is
lucky to get a drink from a guy who wants to see her roast beef show
let alone dinner and dancing with her ex's buddy who has always
creeped her out with his weird touching anyway. Newsflash to tactless
dickheads everywhere: you are not as slick as you appear in the mirror
flashing smiles at yourself before going out, alone, everynight. Try
brushing your teeth and applying deodorant on a regular basis and you
might have more luck picking up your own future ex-girlfriends.
Attempting to scavenge through your buddy's run of the mill curbside
trash is just plain pathetic; trying to bang your buddy's most recent
ex is a major offense punishable by the concoction of a gay bar
sighting rumor. Claiming you were "just being friendly" just doesn't
cut it.

3. "I shit my pants." This excuse is only valid when you actually say
it to a member of the opposite sex and mean it in a serious,
non-joking manner. Like if you said "Sorry I stood you up at the bar
last night Ariel, I shit my pants turning the corner and had to go
home." Or if you said, "Gretchen, I'm gonna have to cancel our date
tonight because on my way to your apartment, I shit my pants really
bad." Using it with your buddies to get out of being a wingman on a
Sunday night when its obviously not true just doesn't cut it.

4. "Sorry I didn't call you back last night, my phone had no service".
This is by far the most bullshit and overused excuse in the book.
It's 2006, there are cell towers EVERYWHERE, and I strongly doubt
anyone in New York strays far enough from civilization to actually
lose service for more than a few minutes. Its much easier to just man
up and say, "I went home with this chick from the bar who ended up
having a dick, and spent the rest of the night dry-heaving in the
shower and chewing gum with Dan Marino."

Friday, June 16, 2006


1. Instead of just picking up the fucking phone, you have full
conversations via text message. We all know you're fucking lazy, but
texting takes more effort than talking. You can have the same
conversation verbally in 30 seconds that takes like 15 minutes in text
message time. Text messages are nice when you want to do the casual
blowoff without conversation but seriously, get a life and stop
abusing the privilege.

2. You're one of the aforementioned wanksters who Source2 bitched
about in the Gym List. If you do anything more than put on deodorant
to go to the gym, you might as well be going to the bar. Its a
training ground, not a meat market. If all you want to do is stare at
chicks, you might as well take your $90 a month for the gym membership
to the local strip club; if you're frugal, those dollar bills can get
you a long way. Get a fucking life shitbag.

3. If you wear a garment with a logo bigger than your head. This goes
for hats, shirts, pants etc. It definitely doesn't enhance your
street cred to be sporting a FUBU logo the size of a labrador
retriever, even if the shirt is big enough to be a nightgown for Star
Jones (pre-trimspa and stomach stapling). Classy is understatement,
big logos are best worn on porches, sitting next to broken washing
machines and dishwashers, while you gaze out on your yard of rusting
cars and ride-on mowers. Get a life.

4. If you constantly buy drinks for chicks at the bar and don't get
laid. You think you're Bobby Big Wheels, throwing money around like a
champ; meanwhile, the guys with zero dough in their wallets and a
little game are snagging your bitches while you're turned around
ordering the next round. You might want to re-examine your strategy
there. The girls are looking at you like an ATM, and no one bangs
ATMs (or Heavy Vibes Harold). Get a fucking life.

5. You try to talk to girls on the subway and persist even when they
put their ipod headphones in and turn the wheel to crank the volume.
Maybe you should've brushed your teeth and showered today, get a life.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006



Ok we have all seen the standard skinny kid who thinks he is jacked. These assholes are aways sporting a cut-off that does nothing but showcase their water hose arms. They are better off wearing 2 hooded sweat shirts to look bigger. For some reason you will always catch these assbags checking themselves out in the mirror after every single set as if they are going to see immediate results. Keep looking guys. PS.Eat something other than cock.

Have you ever seen the handfull of people at a gym that you know instantly are European? Every once and a while you will see one of these clowns sporting the highest and tightest shorts ever made, they look like my old rec soccer shorts from 6th grade.Then they are usually wearing a spandex t shirt which is fucked up as it is or one of those sketchy open back Tank Tops with a Nike or Adidas logo that is outdated. Either go back to Europe or stop letting your uncircumzized ant eater hang out of your pants.

My favorite group of people to rip on in the gym are the pretty boy meat heads. These guys are total dicks. Everyone knows who I am talking about. These are the cockheads who are either wearing snap off pants or a bathing suit. They clearly take 30 minutes to pick out an outfit for the gym. This is because they will put together the most insane gear known to man. The other day I saw this guy who must have been 25. He was wearing blue and yellow camo bathing suit with a standard army camo wife beater. I was shocked. He also had his Eric Estrada fake tan and 2 pounds of gel in his hair. Tattoos, head band, the works. What the fuck is wrong with this guy? You are at the gym to work out dude, not to win a walk off against Zoolander and Hansel. Your outfit is 180% unacceptable and is not acceptable anywhere in public, period. For all of you other fucknuts who wear similiar gear and do nothing but check yourself out in the mirror and dream about fucking yourself...go to hell.

This next group is for creeps only. They are the standard 35-50 year old guy who does nothing but stare at chicks. Any chick that is. 15-65. Any piece of ass in that gym will be checked out by these lesters no doubt about it. I don't even think these guys work out. You always see them "kinda of working out" Doing cardio but not really pushing it or anything. They might do some free weights but no matter what, you will catch them drooling over ass as if they have never seen one before. As a side note... they are usually sporting shitty sweatpants like all baby boomers rock at the gym and some cheezeball t-shirt that they have had since 1985 just so they feel young enough and still "in the mix". Chances are they are married to a total control freak who does not give head anymore and is a pro at missionary sex. These guys are also the ones that jerk off in their bathrooms at night on the toilet once the wife goes to sleep.

This last group I choose to rip on is the pain in the ass mothers who have all the time in the world to work out when there husbands are off at work. They take every single class the gym has to offer and they meet with personal trainers. They always take up space at the gym because they have all of these super set station set up and they think they own the place. I am sick of you people and the way you always walk really fast through the gym like you have a million things going on. Just relax, take a deep breath, stop cheating on your husbands, brush your teeth, and stop pissing me off when I am trying to get my swell on. And by the way, stop taking up two spots in the parking lot with your SUV that you obviously did not pay for. If it happens again, I will turd your windshield.

Anyone else want a piece?