WHO DOES US WORLD CUP SOCCER COACH BRUCE ARENA REMIND YOU OF? (By Totti)

Oliver Stone
Mike Okun
Howie Okun
The surfing gorilla from T&C Surf Design on regular Nintendo
Mr. Okun
Mr. Blanco
Boo Boo Bear
Fred Flintstone

EXCUSES THAT JUST DON'T CUT IT (By Ty Webb)

Below you will find examples of excuses that just don't cut it. They
are essentially half-assed cop-outs that are dropped because the
excusor doesn't have the balls to tell the truth. If you use any of
these excuses, be warned, they just don't cut it.

1. "My mom was really sick and needed me to take care of her, that's
why I stood you up on New Years Eve and didn't call you back for two
days after." In reality, the excusor was too much of a pussy to say,
my ex came over and I was fucking his brains out. I can handle getting
passed over, but this lame-ass excuse, delivered via voicemail, just
doesn't cut it. It's classier to say that you were doing the bone
dance with an ex than to lie and say your mom was sick and needed you,
on New Years Eve, because her boyfriend couldn't be there because he's
the bus driver for the Black Crowes. At least you could've included
your mom's boyfriend's cell number in the voicemail so I could've
spent my stood up New Years Eve on the bus with Kate Hudson and the
Black Crowes.

2. Your buddy blatantly tries to ask out your most recent
ex-girlfriend for "dinner and dancing". You call him on it and his
response is that he was "just being friendly". Dinner and dancing
might have just been friendly in 1950, but this is 2006; a chick is
lucky to get a drink from a guy who wants to see her roast beef show
let alone dinner and dancing with her ex's buddy who has always
creeped her out with his weird touching anyway. Newsflash to tactless
dickheads everywhere: you are not as slick as you appear in the mirror
flashing smiles at yourself before going out, alone, everynight. Try
brushing your teeth and applying deodorant on a regular basis and you
might have more luck picking up your own future ex-girlfriends.
Attempting to scavenge through your buddy's run of the mill curbside
trash is just plain pathetic; trying to bang your buddy's most recent
ex is a major offense punishable by the concoction of a gay bar
sighting rumor. Claiming you were "just being friendly" just doesn't
cut it.

3. "I shit my pants." This excuse is only valid when you actually say
it to a member of the opposite sex and mean it in a serious,
non-joking manner. Like if you said "Sorry I stood you up at the bar
last night Ariel, I shit my pants turning the corner and had to go
home." Or if you said, "Gretchen, I'm gonna have to cancel our date
tonight because on my way to your apartment, I shit my pants really
bad." Using it with your buddies to get out of being a wingman on a
Sunday night when its obviously not true just doesn't cut it.

4. "Sorry I didn't call you back last night, my phone had no service".
This is by far the most bullshit and overused excuse in the book.
It's 2006, there are cell towers EVERYWHERE, and I strongly doubt
anyone in New York strays far enough from civilization to actually
lose service for more than a few minutes. Its much easier to just man
up and say, "I went home with this chick from the bar who ended up
having a dick, and spent the rest of the night dry-heaving in the
shower and chewing gum with Dan Marino."