Fun List Fridays

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Friday, May 05, 2006

SOMETHING JUST OCCURED TO ME WHILE WATCHING THE "ARMED AND DANGEROUS": JOHN CANDY WAS FUNNIER THAN CHRIS FARLEY OR JOHN BELUSHI (by Kid Springsteen)

--First of all, look at his name: John Candy. Then picture his outfit in Armed and Dangerous--maroon security guard jacket that is about three sizes too small (basically had claim to Fat Man in a Little Coat riff years before Farley), goggles, a leather swim cap and a scarf. He looks like he belongs on Duck Tales, yet he still scores a cute, pre plastic surgery Meg Ryan (albeit Ryan was cinematically tagged by Billy Crystal. eeeease.) Then consider the awesome fact that when Candy (aka Frank Dooly) and Eugene Levy get some info out of Zeus while he's working out at the gym, Candy completely haymakers this blond weightlifter chick. And its still hilarious. Can you picture Chris Farley's goofy ass ever getting away with that.

--John Candy gives a Fletch-like comedic effort in Who Framed Harry Crumb. Chris Farley is...Beverly Hills Ninja.

--Sure, Animal House is a classic, but gimme a fuckin break. Are you one of those frat guys with the Bluto Bartowski poster in your dorm room? Ooh lets start a food fight. Lets get...REALLY drunk. Candy got offered a part in Animal House II but he turned it down to make a little classic called SPACEBALLS. You cant fuck with the Shwartz biatch. Plus he's Rockin rare Jovi in the winnebago while Lonestar rolls a doobwah. By the way, actual quote from that fag Mark Magrath on VH1: "Dude, surefire way to rock a saturday night. Get a 12 pack, call up a couple of buddies, and fire up Animal House." What a pussy. I heard he has two Crazy Town cds.

--Candy died on the set of his final movie, securing him mythic status for all eternity with Brandon Lee. Cant really fuck wit the Crow.

--Candy continually denied invitations to join Saturday Night Live because he felt loyal to his loony canadian Hoser friends at SCTV. As a direct result, SNL gets completely gay and Candy goes on to star in Speed Zone, The Great Outdoors, and Planes Trains and Automobiles, not to mention he is the Polka King of the Midwest, Gus Polinski, in Home Alone. (By the way, does anyone know the name of his band?)

--How played are drug overdoses? Seriously, everyone and their mother has overdosed on something sometime or another. Fat+Coke=Dead Comic. Sam Kinneson. John Belushi. Chris Farley. John Candy survived the motherfuckin' '80s--probably the "cokiest" decade of all. Now thats a man that knew how to handle his high.

--Belushi's big claim to fame was a Blues Brothers. Candy cameod in the Blues Brothers movies like it was no thang, then hit the set of The Great Outdoors as Chet Ripley where he carried that movie on his back. Actually Akroyd was pretty funny in that too. Other classic Candy cameos--Splash, National Lampoons Vacation, Stripes. Killin it.

--Ween dedicates "Chocolate and Cheese" to Candy. Now thats brown baby.

--Belushi rallies a bunch of frathouse rejects to get back at some preppies. Candy qualifies the Jamaican Bob Sledding team into the fucking Winter Olympics.

--Not only could John Candy play a cuddly fat guy as well as Chris Farley, but have you seen Uncle Buck. What an asshole!

--Did I mention Who Framed Harry Crumb?


LIST OF ITEMS CONSUMED DURING BREAKFAST BY THOMAS IN VEGAS. (By Gangsta) While recently in Vegas I witnessed an eating machine that could top one of the greatest athletes* of our time (kobayashi the 3 time world hot dog eating champ).
*Kobayashi was actually referred to this on ESPN

-A six egg spanish omelet with hash browns and whole wheat toast.
-The Blue Banana smoothie with a protein boost.
-An order of the special of the day... All-You-Can-Eat pancakes. (They came 4 to a plate and were over a foot in diameter.)
-A second round of the pancakes.
-Half of the person next to him's toast.
(he said he would have had a third round of the pancakes but we all needed to go gamble)

5 Comments:

  • At 12:39 PM, Anonymous Bobbo McNutbag said…

    let's not forget the man could make you cry like a baby. i direct your attention to a film called only the lonely. not to mention he got to lust after emma samms glorious jugs in delirious. also, at least he's not survived by some douchey hack of a brother named jim belushi who actually thinks he has some talent. oh yeah, and his sitcom sucks donk dicks.

     
  • At 1:02 PM, Anonymous Roy Stallin said…

    John Candy's band in Home Alone were the Kanotia Kickers ( Polka Kings of the Mid West)

     
  • At 3:24 PM, Anonymous Reggie Bush said…

    Candy Sucks Taint...eats the smegss too

     
  • At 7:45 AM, Blogger Scott said…

    seriously need a question answered...

    What are all the movies in which Kurt Russell appears with a tank top and mullet? I know it's been discussed before on FLF, but I need specifics.

    I've got the Escapes, Big Trouble, Tequilla Sunrise? Tango & Cash? Maybe Captain Ron... Haven't seen these flicks in a while, so I can't be sure, but I need to know for a paper I'm handing in to Nordic Mythology class. Yeah.

     
  • At 9:08 PM, Anonymous Dr. B's Long-Gone Afro and Mustache said…

    Covert Kung Fu Grandmaster Dr. Baiocco looks like Billy Crystal. "61*" was such a great movie that it almost made me shit myself. They both deserve better treatment here.

     

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