People/Things that need to EASE: (by Bauer Out)
-Coors Light Commercials.
-Tom Cruise. Settle down you All-American Pussy.
-Connecticut.
-The Boston Red Sox.
-Fitness Made Simple w/ John Basedow. Didn’t you die in the Tsunami?
-Emeril Lagasi. You’re a chef…that’s it. You act like you’re the Phil Collins of cooking.
-Maroon-5.
-Dr. Phil.
-Dr. Ruth.
-Super Hero Movies. Especially Sky High starring Kurt Russell where he plays “Captain Stronghold.” Come on Kurt, I thought you were better then that.


RANDOM THINGS THAT WENT DOWN AT JOHN THOMPSON'S BENDER (by Per Gessle)

1) Hetero Wanabe Homo (Don’t know where this came from but Rip Torn just decides to make up a phrase of his own….riiiight.)
2) BM (for those of you who don’t know, a BM is a Bowl Movement (when you take a dump). This chick and Marie Fredriksson are on line to go to the bathroom. The chick then states that shes gonna go over to the other bathroom and Marie Fredriksson replies that she’ll go with her. With an upset face the chick says ok and goes over. Marie Fredriksson then proceeds to wait a good 15min until the chick finally comes out with her head down while power walking out of the bathroom. Marie Fredriksson goes into the bathroom and realizes that it smells like crap and puts two and two together and realizes that the chick actually just took a frigin dump.)
3) AM-BM-In-The-PM (An AM-BM is when you take a BM in the morning after a night of getting wasted. So if you think about it, an AM-BM-In-The-PM is when you take an AM-BM at night.)
4) Creepy Guy (this was referred to this sketchy guy who everytime we would look over was sitting on the random bench under a tree like 15ft. from the house…just really weird.)
5) TC (we have come to the conclusion that this guy, whose initials are TC, loves chicks who take dumps while being with him. The last 3 chicks he has been with or at least tried to be with have taken dumps while in his company. One chick just took a dump at a house when they were together. The next chick took a dump in his house, proceeded not to flush, and then passed out on the floor. And the third chick is the chick from the story of the BM…the kid has major B.O. problems anyway)
6) “I Think I Pissed In Her Mouth.” (Bauer Out decides to tell us this story about the first time he scored BJ from this chick who now is a frigin whale. Bauer says that since it was the first time he scored BJ, when he exploded in her mouth, he actually though he pissed in her mouth and thought about it for the next few weeks.)
7) Rip Torn Lies (This kid is the BIGGEST liar ever. He will tell you things just so he could sound or just so you think he knows whats going on or what the hell youre talking about. But in reality, most of the time he has no clue what so ever)
8) Casual Piss (Bauer Out and Per Gessle took a casual piss on the 2nd Tee East. By the way for those loners who don’t know what a casual piss is, its when you go to take a piss but you drop your pants to your ankles.)
9) Double Blumkin (This was randomly brought up during a convo that had nothing to do with this. Its when a guy takes an upperdeck dump while the chick is takin a dump facing the guy and giving him BJ)
10) DSISB (For some reason this story came up, which it shouldn’t have. One of our buddies, who shall remain nameless, actually got his wee-wee stuck in a shampoo bottle. It happened one time when he was younger and was taking a shower after a long day of playing on the playground. All of a sudden he became aroused and started to think of what he could do with his arousal…that’s when he saw the shampoo bottle. At first it easily went in but to his surprise it didn’t come out as easily. Not knowing what to do he called for his mommy to help and then the story goes however you would like…)
11) Bauer Out Takes Picture Of Nuts (Bauer Out decided to be funny and take a picture of his nuts with some chicks camera. But when the deed is deed is done and is observed, it looks more like a vagg….which makes you think…”)
12) “I’m Sick Of Head.” (This chick who wasn’t drunk at all just decides to tell us that she is sick of givin BJ. Which means, if you think about it, that she is probably a slut and if you try hard enough will give you BJ)
13) SAP (This is the new name for one of our buddy Deuce. SAP which stands for Spanish American Publication is what shows up on the bottom of your TV screen at the beginning of a show. Deuce is 100% Italian but for some reason looks 100% Mexican.)

THINGS TO DO WHILE ON VIAGRA(Source2,Buddy Revell's brass knuckels, Bauer Out)

Ease

Swim with a Great White Shark

Make fun of Russia

Press start on your stop watch

Throw a full season of 24 on the big screen

Watch Rocky 4 twice

Send pics of your cock to your x girlfriend

Do jumping jacks

Go to the mall with mesh shorts on

Grow a mustache and ponytail

Stretch

Stare at it

Ride a pony

Have a tug

Shag fly balls with your dad

Go to the Tuttels garage from American Chopper and tell them to ease

Wear a cape

Rock tunes

ODES TO PEOPLE IN THE LAS VEGAS AIRPORT DURING MY 3HR MIDNITE LAYOVER (by Peter Greco)

--TO the barefooted, gray haired, natty ponytailed hippie with the fugly fraggle girlfriend and the neon yellow Christian Hosoi skateboard with railguards: Listen, the No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service sign was created with you in mind. Plus, I know your shitcan wasted on Bahama Mamas, or whatever you Van Hagars drink, but quite asking me to buy you a taco. I said no the first three times you burner.

--TO the Jersey guy with the Devils cutoff and the apedrape on line in front of me at Taco Bell Express: Look, I know you want a Chalupa. We all want a Chalupa, but its T-Bell EXPRESS, they just don't serve them. The best you can get is a cold Gordita with day old sour cream. Deal. Ps--Whats so EXPRESS about the fact that I waited in line for 30 minutes.

--TO the slacker employees who didn't notice me fill my waterbottle with Sprite when I kindly asked if I could get some water: Appreciate the insolence fellas, but seriously, on a larger scale of irresponsibility--thats how things like 9/11 happen.

--To the random hero on line that tried to rat me out: Ease buddy. You wouldn't be so eager to help out 'the man' if you knew 'the man' was really some 16-year-old kid who just jizzed in your chicken soft taco. Guess what? I knew, and its dripping down your chin. And its not hair gel.

--To the Filipino kid who took the last 7 Fire Sauces from the tray, leaving me with the choice of Mild or, for some mysterious reason, ketchup: Fuck you little man!

--To the 200 Timmys in the Nascar uniform (jeans, t-shirt, baseball hat with fake Oakleys on brim): Look, I know we all want to look like a rightfielder, but don't you ever look around and notice every other Arizon frat boy/construction site supervisor is dressed the exact same way. Howw bout going big? Eyeblack? Cleats? C'mon, its Vegas. And your shirt says No Fear in big red letters.

--To the guy in the bathroom stall next to me calling his friend and saying that he's in Vegas at some hot club: I'm not one to necessarily call bullshit, but sometimes you just gotta throw a red flag out. In this case my red flag is some soggy diarrea paper and I'm airbombing your lying ass right now.

--To the creepy Gino who keeps leaning over the armrest to read what I'm writing: Just because you tell me (a complete stranger) that you'd fuck every girl who walks by, doesn't mean I believe it. And since I'm sure they've all noticed either (A) the issue of Swank (out of the plastic) conveniently sticking out of your travelbag (B)the urine stain on your jean shorts or (C) your construction boots, I'm sure they don't believe it either. By the way--I don't know if you're trying to impress me by dropping the N Bomb into casual conversation, but you better cut that shit out. Even though its kind of dark in this terminal, you can't possibly mistake this sweet vintage Lawns By Ron little league jersey for a KKK hood. Seriously dude, you're about three feathers shy of being the biggest cheif on the reservation.

--To the tripping hippie in the pajamas and camoflauge baggy overalls: Follow the rainbow into the mens room. Above the sink is a cuddly leprachaun with a gold pot full of magic mushrooms. Just kidding. ITs actually a mirror, but look deeply. It contains the answer. Ps--how'd you get those Devil Stix through security?

--To the three old ladies delayed on the way to Oregon: You gals are awesome! You sell porcelein at antique shows and floss more fake gold jewelry than a college Pimps N Hos bash. Plus I smelled reefer on you. You just kicked ass at an international expo in Philly and now you're gonna rock Portland! If your bones weren't so brittle I'd high five you all day.

--To me: Sure I feel guilty popping 3 vicodin in front of the little girl sitting next to me as we taxi out, but, judging by how white-zinfandel drunk her mom is I'm sure its only a matter of time before she's stealing some sort of meds from her boyfriend. Plus shes got an iPod, a portable DVD player and a window seat. I'm crammed in the middle with a walkmen and a Blue Oyster Cult mix that rewinds itself halfway through the psychedelic solo on Don't Fear The Reaper.

THINGS I HAVE THE URGE TO DO EVERYTIME I GO BACK TO LARCHMONT (by Krump's Brother)

--eat at Pat's.
--Work out my forearms and then head down to Lorenzen with a Babe Ruth weight bat and bang a few homers off of some weak 11-year-old lefty.
--Show up so obliterated-drunk to mass at Sts John and Paul that Mr. Lopez is forced to take me outside and bludgeon me with the blunt side of his Chevy Blazer front-end/winter snow shovel.
--meet Shake down at Imperial.
--Get a serious street hockey game going at Murray.
--Find out which girls from high school liked me and try to fuck them.
--Find out if any current high school girls like me. Lure them into my shady brown van via a few friendly hot dogs and curly fries at Walters.
--Use same hypothetical shady brown van to kidnap Ronnie from Go-Go Ronnie's courrier service. Maybe if the fat guy from Villa Maria and the fat guy from the liquor store around the corner didn't rely on a courrier service to deliver all those "important items" literally 100 yards away, then my chicken rolls wouldn't always have fat guy sweat all over them. Plus everyone whose ever lived in Larchmont knows that chick Ronnie is a total buzzkill.

EXCUSES FOR WHY YOU STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN LAID 6 MONTHS AFTER YOU AND YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND BROKE UP (By Crazy Carl Everett)

--You guys are going to get back together and if you sleep with anyone else, it will ruin it.
--You assaulted the guy she cheated on you with and now you are in jail...all guys jail...wait, so I guess you are getting laid, never mind.
--you have been out of the singles scene for so long that your game is totally off...you just need to sharpen your skills again.
--with the loss of your "playa game" came those 25 pounds you gained from going out to eat all the time with your ex and ordering multiple rounds of drinks, as booze was your only oasis in the relationship hell in which you lived.
--work has been so busy. You really haven't had the time to go out and play the field...You'll rally next week though, you swear.
--You have fallen in love with the girl in your DVD porno and you have developed a complex where you feel like you are cheating every time you get "close" with a ladyfriend.
--T. Guy Minetti
--From being in your old relationship and banging on the same body that whole time, sex became so stale and unexciting to the point where the whole sexual enterprise has become altogether unappealing. You would much rather curl up on your couch with a great read and a glass of merlot.
--You still live with your ex and you can't bring ladyfriends home to the couch in the living room where you sleep...wait, why do you still live with your ex-girlfriend...its been over six months you wanker!


FAMOUS WIFE BEATERS (by Source 2 and Krump's Brother)


Bobby Brown
David Justice
Dennis Potvin
Ike Turner
Mike Tyson
Jason Kidd
Patrick Roy
Ray Pruitt
Jose Canseco

*BONUS* SAMPLE LYRICS TO THE SONG "WIFE BEATER" BY CHRISTIAN ROCK BAND 'OFFICER NEGATIVE'

verse 1:
Clench your fists
angers in your blood
you are seeing red
think you're number one
jealousy in your minds
violence in your soul
to be a man
you hit your wife
you have no self control

verse 2:
control a woman
thats what you try and do
play mind games
like you're in a game of pool
hit them with your fist
kick them with your boot
after that you think its cool
get it straight you freaking fool!

pre chorus:
wife beaters you're so lame
play that foolish game
wife beaters you're so lame
play that foolish game

chorus:
to hit a girl is so immature
to hit a girl, you are insecure
to hit a girl, you have no self esteem
to hit a girl...
there is no excuse.