THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM

Guys Who Wear White Jeans--Who do you think you are? David Lee Roth.

Jean Shorts--I would almost prefer if guys wore jean shorts with the fringes just so I would know that they were kidding. The problem I have is with perfectly hemmed jean shorts. Most common amongst males 33-58 who work in cubicles and want to 'relax' on the 'weekends' at 'Chachkies' or 'Flingers.' Just buy some khakis for crying out loud.

White Jean Shorts--what kind of personal statement are you trying to make?

Midget Porn--I could deal with the occasional clip of midget porn, you know--midget girl giving a standing BJ. But something about two midgets having sex gives me the creeps. Although it does make my cock look massive in comparison.

Spam--Is it tuna, is it ham? Who knows? Hey lets feed it to the blind kid.

Girls Who Think They're Cool Because They Do Cocaine--Sure, if by cool you mean, skinny, neurotic, flaky, bitches with nosebleeds. Yeah, they're cool.

Adult Braces--If you're teeth aren't perfect by age thirty, you should just learn to live with it. Believe me, whatever contest you think you're going to win, or guy you're trying to get to fall in love with you isn't going to make up for the fact that you can't go to your kids violin recital because you have to get your new braces tightened. And yes, those kids are laughing at you, in case you were wondering.

I'M A LITTLE LEAGUE UMPIRE, AND THIS IS HOW I ROLL

CALLED STRIKE:
"HIIIII"---Open palm to the right, like I'm slapping a fat azz. Sounds like something you'd grunt in karate class.
"HAA"--Quick call, quick flick of the fingers. Everyone knows its a strike; even the pedophile who shows up to every game and beats off into his Rawlings Rafael Santana autographed mitt.
"Steeeriiiiike"--Slow called strike right down the pipe. Usually good for innings 1-4 in an afternoon game.

STRIKE OUT:
"THREE!"--Loud and Quick, with a jab to your back.
"Strike Three!"--Step back, double punch, hard.
"Strii Heee"--Im so excited to call you out that I can't even pronounce all of the letters in Strike Three. Why didn't you swing at that? Even though you're only ten, I think its about time someone tells you that you suck!
"HIII HEEEE"---Once again, I'm overwhelmed with excitement. I step back, punch the air, then drop an elbow on some imaginary crying bitch.

CALLED OUT SLIDING INTO HOME PLATE:

Take my mask off and secure the area as soon as I see that there is going to be a play at the plate. "Show Me The Ball." This is more of a formality. I know the catcher didn't drop the ball, but I just want the runner to have proof of how slow he is. Maybe you shouldn't have hit up Dunkin Donuts every day on the way to practice, kid. Maybe you should've watched the end of Major League 1 just one more time.

"Outta There"--Again, I'll ask the catcher to show me the ball, then I'll skip on my right foot for three steps before blazing my right fist righteously through the air. In my head Metallica's Master of Puppets is rocking hard.

Tobacco Spit--This is rare, and only if one of the fathers in the stands is giving me shit about calling his son(who sucks anyway) out back in the second inning. If the opportunity presents itself, don't think I wont hesitate to spit a goober of chaw in your kid's eye as I punch him out Joe Frazier style.

CHUCK NORRIS STARS IN:

Walker: Texas Ranger
Stalker: Texas Stranger
Balker: Texas Ranger's Pitcher
Chuck Norris is Jesus: Baby Manger