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Friday, May 04, 2007

OBSTACLES YOU MAY ENCOUNTER IF YOU ARE SERIOUSLY CHASING A STREET HOCKEY DREAM (by Kid Springsteen)

Parents--parents just don't understand

Girlfriend/wife/so-called "Friends"--Your main resistance in chasing a street hockey dream will come from one of these sources. They will claim to know whats best for you, but obviously they don't have a clue. If your girlfriend really knew what was best for you, she'd quit bitching at you to "give it up" and strap on some goalie pads so you can work on your shootout dekes. Then you finally convice her to get in goal and she sucks. WTF? Your so-called "Friends" may act like you're wasting your time, but deep down they would sell their souls to have a dream like yours. They're boring and have boring jobs and boring lives and probably think 'throwing sauce' has something to do with tabasco. To paraphrase local street hockey legend James "Perry" "Golden Boy" Webler: I don't have friends, I have linemates and opponents.

Weak Netting--Did the Research and Development team at Mylec forget to test the netting on regulation street hockey goals? How is it possible that the ball either goes through the netting, or knocks down the goal altogether? True, and real gamer knows that you have to tape up the whole net to really make it work, but C'mon Myelec, that's just lazy. And it's fucking up my dream.**also, a game is a game, and who am I to complain, but you're not really living the dream unless the net has a roof. how else am I going to knock the water bottle off on a backhand in triple overtime?

Dinnertime--Dinnertime is a killer! It's been known to short circuit many a seven game series into a game 2 and a half next goal wins situation, and that's not 'on'.

Chris Tortorella--Nothing can derail a potential street hockey dream like this Portuguese Water Rat. Defense, Offense, he's got it covered. Stick him in goal and he's Marty Brodeur. The first Larchmont kid to figure out how to slide with those plastic goalie pads, he also has an aggressive poke check and a mean two pad stack. Your only option is to get him on your team or sell him your porn collection and hope he doesn't show up for the game. **oddly enough, Turtle is not a good street hockey goalie.

This douchbag across from me on the plane while I'm writing this list--I'm sure this asshole doesn't play street hockey, but he's the type of cynical dream-fascist that can squash any hopes by his sheer negativity. First of all, he looks just like Glen Gulia from Wedding Singer, except instead of the Miami Vice gear he's rocking the typical "Midwest-corporate-sales-guy-on-vacation" uniform (Ray Bans on top of head, button-down short sleever with some "Whacky" print on it, jean shorts, white socks, white Reeboks). Secondly, he won't stop complaining about everything. It's a red-eye dude, Go to sleep or got sit in the bathroom and stew, but shut the fuck up already! He was in front of me at the metal detector station and embarrassed the shit out of his wife when she accidentally got caught with a bottle of water in her carry-on. Way to show some backbone asshole--she's your wife. Big deal, we had to waste all of 8 seconds while they confiscated the bottle and asked her if she had anymore. You didn't have to apologize profusely and roll your eyes and call her a moron like you're some babydick pussy. This isn't the rodeo, Luke Perry. 8 seconds ain't that big a deal.

A Stickball Game--Fuck, are you serious? Stickball is cool and all, but there are only 3 of you and you're taking up the entire big playground. I have a whole armada of friends ranging in age of all 3 Baiocco brothers and we're ready to rock.

Linechanges--WTF? How are you suppossed to break the Murray Ave small playground summer scoring record when you're on the sidelines? Rules are if you wanna play, bring someone to keep the teams even. I'd rather play (and have) 15 on 15 then do linechanges. Also, uniforms are gay and way too official for street hockey. Jerseys are fine. That is why it is perfectly acceptable for 3 guys on the same team to be wearing a Boston College jersey, an old school North Stars jersey, and a Santa Cruz skateboards t-shirt and all know what's up. I wore a flannel shirt for six years! People haven't seen that kind of commitment to plaid since Neil Young toured Jones Beach with Crazy Horse.

Diarrhea--Nothing, and I mean nothing is more distracting than diarrhea. It has been known to kill more than a street hockey dream, but a date, a job interview, an SAT test, and trip to the mall. I don't really mind the actual diarrhea (makes the toilet paper look like a mix between a Jackson Pollock painting and a Operation Dessert Storm Camo-print) but its the fact that you could conceivably shit your pants at any moment that makes one wary of going all out on a breakaway. Let me put it this way, a guy is 95% less likey to risk going deke on a breakaway if he has any inkling of diarrhea and goalies know this. If a Goalie senses your mud-spit he's thinking shot all the way.

12 Comments:

  • At 9:52 AM, Anonymous LHawk(Original Six memeber- Barre, VT) said…

    First Timers- The guy who heard from another guy, who heard from another guy's girlfriend that there might be a game tonight. He shows up in his sweet Honda CRX with chrome snap-on fake rims, wearing a volleyball oakleys, and a Jeff Gordon cut-off t-shirt bumpin' Montel Jordan's 'This is who we do it'. The guy doesn't even bring a stick and asks to use my second backup stick because it looks cool, not knowing i go through at least four sticks a night with my roof scraper. Look pal, that neon green Chino has at least 6 goals in it and I am not going to waste them on a rookie who should be watching with the other rookies that know their role. Maybe, I'll let you wax my stick or bring me a beer during timeouts, but don't think you can walk on to our rink and get a start first game.

     
  • At 7:11 AM, Anonymous brocktoon (sippin hot chocolate from a thermos) said…

    Dan Cortese-I'm not even sure if this douche did a special on street hockey for MTV Sports, but for some reason i can see him and his bandana floundering around on blades getting all "extreme". The oversive skateboard style knee pads don't help much either. Plus, you know his ugly grill is all up in the camera telling us how dangerous and brutal the sport is. Listen D-boy, those who know, don't talk...and helmets are for pussies
    ps-good call on the tortorella, you know you're hard core when you show up with a patrick roy style neck protector on your goalie helmet

     
  • At 5:08 PM, Anonymous Source2 said…

    Seriously T Bone even had his father make the nets with the PCP piping from his job. Dan Cortese is a total D Bag. If you recall Cortese did show up on the very first FLF list years ago titled "Joe Rogans all time role models". He definitly bros with Eric Nies from the Grind and they drink Mountain Dew on the reg. Now that I think about it...Nies was also on the Rogan list...those guys are all ponyriders.
    LHawk: what street hockey league do you play in? i can understand the back up stick but you play in a rink at night and have timeouts? chances are you are the guy who uses two rubber stoppers on your back wheels to stop and sport one of those mylec rubber knobs too instead of tape. Matter of fact you were that one asshole who showed up with no rollerblades at all when everyone else is rocking them. Wait a minute...was your league an all ON FOOT league?? $20 bucks says it was...That is the worst. Nothing like some dickbag running right past you in sneakers or easily getting the ball when it went out of bounds on the grass or dirt. That is so JV it is not even funny. Do they have roller blades in Barre VT...actually do they have sneakers in Barre VT? My gut also tells me you used friction tape when you played actual ice hockey. Ease brah

     
  • At 7:39 PM, Anonymous ty webb said…

    oh shit you got served!

     
  • At 7:22 AM, Anonymous BauerOut said…

    Holy Shit Brah, LHawk might have to hang up his K2 Rollerblades after that extreme service. I also heard that LHawk didn't even use the classic pink mylec ball. Instead they used the plastic puck with the 3 rolling balls in them. Modified B move if you ask me.

     
  • At 4:05 PM, Anonymous Source2 said…

    I also heard when this so called "original six" street hockey team plays night games...they form a circle with all of their cars and turn the lights on like in Lionheart with Van Damme

     
  • At 5:57 PM, Anonymous Ty Webb said…

    I heard they don't even need to circle the wagons and turn the lights on cause they use a light-up puck, with the three rolling balls.

     
  • At 4:25 PM, Anonymous LHawk said…

    First of all...Ty I know you couldn't play your first game because you showed up trying to wear roller skates instead of blades(i.e. my original comment)...B-Out...I've been knocking water bottles off since you were in diapers...Source2...just because we played on foot didn't make it a bad league...you were probably kid showing up in half gear and wore a helmet and facemask...but i would take on any you larchmont ankle skaters in a best of 7 cup final(we actually have a cup) 4-4 series, and you better watch out because tubbs is a better goalie than you think...I think Reggie Dunlap said it best, "Lard ass Bartley Donnellson,You all saw what happened. Stick down, gloves off he challenged the Chiefs. Called us names, but Dave was there. Dave's a killer"...ty, don't forget the wax and a roll of white, my sticks all need taping

     
  • At 9:47 AM, Anonymous Source2 said…

    the funniest thing is that your league really was ALL on foot. you owe me 20 bucks.

     
  • At 10:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    he probably wore shin guards and clear wax taped them over his addidas ankle zip-ups. major wuss move if you ask me.

    how about giving props to a product that gave hope to many a larchmont MYHA Hockey Player to pursue that dream of one day playin' pro ball hockey on sport court: The Rollerblade Lightings!

     
  • At 6:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    That annoying person living right next to the roller surface (murray ave) that would never help you look for the ball when it went over the fence. Talk about a buzzkill, this lady could easily spoil a good game with her bitter, probably hasn't been laid in years attitude...

     
  • At 7:02 AM, Blogger Derek Sutton said…

    Skater Rats!

     

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