1. Squandered a life of fame and fortune cause you caught your ex-wife
banging some guy named Ron with a moustach and e and killed them both.
2. Squandered a life of fame and fortune by having inappropriate
relationships with young boys. You also bleached yourself.
3. Got mad at Pam Anderson divorced her for having huge tits and being
a sex symbol all over the world.
4. Dated Kate Moss but get so fucked up and caught with drugs so often
that she had to dump you to improve her image.
WHO WOULD PLAY ME IN A MOVIE?...AND WHY? (by TY WEBB)
1. Slyvester Stallone in "Cliffhanger" for obvious reasons.
2. The guy who played Clark Kent on ANY version of "Superman".
3. Bill Murray, circa 1980, also for obvious reasons.
4. "The Rock" in "The Scorpion King". (Because I hold my sword the same way)
5. Freddie Prinze Jr. in "Summercatch" when Jessica Beal is getting
out of the pool. (Well not really, but I could churn childbutter to
that scene everyday and not get tired of it.)
6. Richard Dean Anderson as MacGyver, in that sock commercial where he
slides down the zipline with a sock. Because I'm resourceful and can a
piece of chewing gum a pen and a ziplock bag into a bagpipe/bong.
7. Chevy Chase, also circa 1980. Self explanatory.
MEET MY NEIGHBOR (by TY WEBB)
My neighbor is a 37 year-old semi-retarded visibly disturbed
individual with a severe speech impediment, a nasty skin condition and
an unfortunate hairlip who still lives with his parents.
My neighbor has thusfar caused two single female parents with
young daughters to move out of the home across the street because he
is such a creep. He also approached my other neighbor and mentioned
that he notices they get a lot of packages delivered and he would be
happy to sign for them.
My neighbor embezzled $300,000 from his father's cancer research firm,
which was researching the disease his father is afflicted by. He used
the money to pay for drop-dead gorgeous hookers who would be dropped
off by cabs in front of his house daily for over 2 years.
Pizza the Hut's ass looks better than my neighbor's face. At least
PTH's ass is made of pizza. This guy's face just looks like one.