ASSORTED SIGNS TO WATCH OUT FOR THAT YOU REALLY BLEW IT (by TY WEBB)
1. Squandered a life of fame and fortune cause you caught your ex-wife
banging some guy named Ron with a moustach and e and killed them both.
2. Squandered a life of fame and fortune by having inappropriate
relationships with young boys. You also bleached yourself.
3. Got mad at Pam Anderson divorced her for having huge tits and being
a sex symbol all over the world.
4. Dated Kate Moss but get so fucked up and caught with drugs so often
that she had to dump you to improve her image.
WHO WOULD PLAY ME IN A MOVIE?...AND WHY? (by TY WEBB)
1. Slyvester Stallone in "Cliffhanger" for obvious reasons.
2. The guy who played Clark Kent on ANY version of "Superman".
3. Bill Murray, circa 1980, also for obvious reasons.
4. "The Rock" in "The Scorpion King". (Because I hold my sword the same way)
5. Freddie Prinze Jr. in "Summercatch" when Jessica Beal is getting
out of the pool. (Well not really, but I could churn childbutter to
that scene everyday and not get tired of it.)
6. Richard Dean Anderson as MacGyver, in that sock commercial where he
slides down the zipline with a sock. Because I'm resourceful and can a
piece of chewing gum a pen and a ziplock bag into a bagpipe/bong.
7. Chevy Chase, also circa 1980. Self explanatory.
MEET MY NEIGHBOR (by TY WEBB)
My neighbor is a 37 year-old semi-retarded visibly disturbed
individual with a severe speech impediment, a nasty skin condition and
an unfortunate hairlip who still lives with his parents.
My neighbor has thusfar caused two single female parents with
young daughters to move out of the home across the street because he
is such a creep. He also approached my other neighbor and mentioned
that he notices they get a lot of packages delivered and he would be
happy to sign for them.
My neighbor embezzled $300,000 from his father's cancer research firm,
which was researching the disease his father is afflicted by. He used
the money to pay for drop-dead gorgeous hookers who would be dropped
off by cabs in front of his house daily for over 2 years.
Pizza the Hut's ass looks better than my neighbor's face. At least
PTH's ass is made of pizza. This guy's face just looks like one.
1. Squandered a life of fame and fortune cause you caught your ex-wife
banging some guy named Ron with a moustach and e and killed them both.
2. Squandered a life of fame and fortune by having inappropriate
relationships with young boys. You also bleached yourself.
3. Got mad at Pam Anderson divorced her for having huge tits and being
a sex symbol all over the world.
4. Dated Kate Moss but get so fucked up and caught with drugs so often
that she had to dump you to improve her image.
WHO WOULD PLAY ME IN A MOVIE?...AND WHY? (by TY WEBB)
1. Slyvester Stallone in "Cliffhanger" for obvious reasons.
2. The guy who played Clark Kent on ANY version of "Superman".
3. Bill Murray, circa 1980, also for obvious reasons.
4. "The Rock" in "The Scorpion King". (Because I hold my sword the same way)
5. Freddie Prinze Jr. in "Summercatch" when Jessica Beal is getting
out of the pool. (Well not really, but I could churn childbutter to
that scene everyday and not get tired of it.)
6. Richard Dean Anderson as MacGyver, in that sock commercial where he
slides down the zipline with a sock. Because I'm resourceful and can a
piece of chewing gum a pen and a ziplock bag into a bagpipe/bong.
7. Chevy Chase, also circa 1980. Self explanatory.
MEET MY NEIGHBOR (by TY WEBB)
My neighbor is a 37 year-old semi-retarded visibly disturbed
individual with a severe speech impediment, a nasty skin condition and
an unfortunate hairlip who still lives with his parents.
My neighbor has thusfar caused two single female parents with
young daughters to move out of the home across the street because he
is such a creep. He also approached my other neighbor and mentioned
that he notices they get a lot of packages delivered and he would be
happy to sign for them.
My neighbor embezzled $300,000 from his father's cancer research firm,
which was researching the disease his father is afflicted by. He used
the money to pay for drop-dead gorgeous hookers who would be dropped
off by cabs in front of his house daily for over 2 years.
Pizza the Hut's ass looks better than my neighbor's face. At least
PTH's ass is made of pizza. This guy's face just looks like one.
posted by Gearheart @ 8:36 PM
7 Comments:
At 7:16 AM,
Anonymous said…
Freddie Prince Jr? What are you a homo Ty? You do know he was the pussy who ran off the field with a no-hitter going. Also, "The Rock","You hold your sword the same way"? How's that, up your ass? And if you are gonna relate yoursef ever to Sly, wouldn't you want to be the Cobra? Not some washed up mountain man who can't even save a chick from falling 2000 feet to her death. You want to be the guy who in the final scene shoots 20 guys with 20 shots from a sub-machine gun. Get your priorities straight here Ty before the Marines send you to the Coast Guard.
At 11:14 AM,
Anonymous said…
Ouch...someone just got served.
At 9:11 PM,
Anonymous said…
In response to being served by an anonymous comment (non-list) poster.
VOR....First off, congratulations on your superior movie knowledge. However in your quest for it, you probably sit home alone, watch movies and jerk off with a cheese grater.
Second, if you actually knew me, and not just my current career plans, you might understand what my list was all about. Instead you offer general rebuttals to my list concerning who would play me in a movie without offering anything but criticism. A great man once said: "It's not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or when the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worth cause; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who at the worst if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat."
But for the sake of argument, let me take on your assertions one by one.
1. Freddie is a total stab at how badly I want to get inside Jessica. He is a total homo, much like you, VOR, and its a testament to how serious I am about making her think an earthquake is eating her out when I go down on her if I ever have the opportunity.
2. The Rock is someone who I've been told I look like after I've been drinking tequila. Apparently I develop a crazy, "do you smell what the Rock is cooking" look on my face after too much of the Mexican stuff. On the other hand, when you've had too much Mexican, the end result is a mouthful of dirty sanchez and south-of-the- border-swimming-egg-fertilizers.
3. When I wear a leather Jacket, black people usually tell me that I look like Rocky; whether thats because black people all think Italians look the same or not doesn't matter, because there's a very basic, character specific reason why Stallone in Cliffhanger would play me in a movie. Once again, if you don't get it you've probably been writing your comments after sifting through the garbage at my house, (including the used condoms from my night with your sister, mother and girlfriend, all at the same time. It was a beautiful night).
Finally, the Marine Corps and the Coast Guard are entirely separate Branches of Service. If you don't know simple facts, how the hell can you be the so-called voice of reason? I'm willing to bet you still shit your pants when someone bumps shoulders with you at the mall bitch. Post a list or get a life.
At 3:57 PM,
Anonymous said…
where's the bibliography for that essay ty? you could have said you wanted to be snipes in 'blade trinity' for jessica beal though, and you do look like stallone...in copland.
At 10:22 AM,
Anonymous said…
I wrote the bibliography on the wall of the bathroom at the Eagles Nest, in your blood since so much of it was still all over.
At 4:18 PM,
Anonymous said…
Thats a low blow...You know dam well some got on my jacket and roger's jeep
At 12:14 PM,
Anonymous said…
Well maybe none of your ragu-thick blood would've been spilled if Source2 wasn't too busy competing in the highest-stakes thumbwrestling match ever.
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