1) Oral (receiving)
2) Masturbation (a.k.a. "The Real Thing)
3) Actual, cardiovascular sex
4) Handjobs (do people still do these
5) Oral (performing)
6) Math (performing)
MY DADS ALL TIME FAVORITE NHL FANTASY LINEUP (by Kid Springsteen)
G-Mike Richter (circa 1994)
F- Wayne Gretzky
F- Mark Messier
F- Adam Graves
D- Brian Leetch
D- Don Mattingly
SCENTS THAT I THINK WOULD MAKE GOOD COLOGNES (by Kid Springsteen)
--Chex Mix Bold
--Smoked Barbeque Ribs
--Swisher Sweets Black and Mild
--Skunk (you might think this scent is too pungent for a good cologne, but if you take a good whiff of a recently sprayed skunk while you're driving you'll say "God Damn" like that coke whore Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction. Its kind of like sniffing your finger after you stick it in your ass and then getting a boner. Uh...did I just write that?
STORES I WOULD LOOT IF THERE WAS EVER A RIOT IN LARCHMONT CIRCA 1996 (by Kid Springsteen)
--Sweet N' Nutty. Look, I know there is a jewelry store on the corner and a citibank down the street, but I got 400 yards of uncut Sour Power son! Lets rock.
--Listening Material. Besides the fact that Frank was just bitter because his biceps weren't big enough to win him 1st prize in that Glen Danzig lookalike contest, Listening Material was a decent music store. I mean serious props to that Moby looking employee who coined the Dick from High Fidelity look 5 years before High Fidelity was even a movie. I would take all of the overpriced box sets and the Ticketmaster machine.
--Leonardo's. The looting would definitely have to take place during lunch hours on a schoolday to ensure I get a just out of the oven pie of fresh Si. Plus I'd steal a pair of that really fat guys pants. I don't know why.
--Season's Too LTD. I don't think that there is anything in this store that I want, but if I'm fucking shit up with, like, a pipe or something, I trash that patio furniture out and won't stop until someone tells me what the fuck is up with the name. Why all the pretension fellas? Seasons. Season's Too. Season's Too LTD? WTF??!! Are you an electronica band?
--Competition. Why not, its right next door. Gimme some of those TIGER model Christians, Novak. Oh and throw in a roll of clear, and a roll of black cloth.
--The Nautilus. Fuck those guys. I'd sling back a couple of White Russians, dominate some chicken fingers, and then stuff my pockets with those jelly-filled mints. Then I'd release the lobsters.
--Larchmont Beverage. Sure, you might want to grab a couple of 40s or maybe even roll out a keg. But this is 1996. I just want whatever beer posters have the hottest chicks on them. And some coke in a bottle.
--The Corner Store. Porn.
--Larchmont Store. Have you really taken a look inside the Larchmont Store in the last 10 years. Creepy. I bet the last time you were in there you were rushing straight down the aisle for the toys. But you head over two aisles and its like a fucking sweatshop. And they have a basement. I think I heard a bunch of kids from Taiwan crying one time. Those old ladies are crazy, with their yarn and their romance novels and their arthritis. You know what, fuck it, Im not even gonna loot that place. Freakz
--Marty Doyles. Curly fries and ribs. "Hold on to the night. Hold onto the memories." --R. Marx