REASONS WHY YOU MIGHT BE CONSIDERED A "JOHNNY CIBRONI"
--Your hair has frosted tips
--Your name is Bobby
--You wear Guinea T's to the mall
--You own at least 5 pairs of Adidas snap-off pants
--You also own Nike head bands to match each snap-off outfit
--You have a tribal tattoo some place noticeable
--You take Animal Stack or some other type of juice
--You smoke menthols
--Odds are you have a tape-up
--Your name is Randy
BEST BATTLES
--Hulk Hogan vs. Ultimate Warrior (Wrestlemania Six) Ref gets knocked out and misses Hogans clear victory, comes to in time to count to three as the Ultimate Warrior pins Hogan to win both the Intercontinental and Heavyweight championship. Fight lasts over 35 minutes--enough for even the most hardcore Hogan fan to give the Warrior at least a few props
--Daniel Larusso vs. Johnny Lawrence (Karate Kid) This one's a gimme. The crowd is stunned that Daniel Larusso is even gonna fight after that cocksucker Bobby cheapshoted him in the semi's, but Miagi Do Karate never says die and in the end its all Larusso. Lawrence however is relenquished to permanent B-movie semistardom. C'mon man, even I saw that Crane Kick coming from a mile a way, and i was only six.
--Joe Piscipo vs. Chuck Norris (Sidekicks) "Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris doesn't compete anymore, and one of the reasons, one of the main reasons, is me." --Piscipo
--Jimmy vs. Timmy (Southpark) A twenty-minute animated re-creation of that movie with Roddy Roddy Piper, where he wears a denim jacket cutoff and has a mullet but somehow looks invincibily cool.
Van Damme vs. Chung Lee (Bloodsport) Not only is Frank Dux facing pressure fighting in the finals of his first Kumite, but his new girlfriend is in the audience and so are the CIA henchmen who are trying to bring him back to the United States. On top of that his opponent put his best friend in the hospital during the last round and just threw a vile of salt in his eyes. Blind and tortured, Dux somehow manages to annihilate Chung Lee and avenge his semsais death.
Van Damme vs. Paco (Bloodsport) This was a close call. Paco's unorthodox style deceived opponents in the first three rounds, but this was the fucking semis and he was facing a determined Frank Dux who, might I add, was wearing a fucking Red and Black Karate Gee. How fucking playa' is that? Once Van Damme launches his trademark flurry of roundhouse kicks Dux was basically in the finals.
Van Damme vs. Fender (Cyborg) True, this movie used to freak me out a bit and the first time I watched it I made my baby sitter Paul Tortarella leave the lights on, but I did keep myself from shitting my pants with fear long enough to watch Van Damme wreck this psycho warchild cybo-nazi in the rain. Final blow comes when he kicks him into a meathook. Or is it?
Van Damme vs. Sandman (Death Warrant) In front of an entire prison block Van Damme kicks the shit out of badboy inmate "The Sandman." This would be just another normal kickass fight scene, but it makes Fun List Friday because Van Damme kicks Sandman into a fiery furnace, but he escapes and only dies when his skull is implanted on an beam screw. Now thats Van Damage!
Hook vs. Corey Webster (Thrashin') If you live to get radical, then you probably went to sleep the other night beating off to this classic brawl. Hook. Webster. Skateboard joust. What more could I say?
Miagi Vs. The Entire Cobra Kai (Karate Kid) Its the Halloween party and the Cobra Kai, (dressed in skeletons, high off their asses and listening to that bitchen' new Cruel Summer song) have Daniel Larusso backed against a fence. Johnnys about to run a flying sidekick straight through his California-hatin' ass when all of a sudden Miagi shows up all Batman style and proceeds to show 5 highschool bullies what one Rum Chuggin Asian dwarf could do. Kick fuckin' ass.
Buddy Revell vs. Jerry Mitchell (Three O'Clock High) Classic bully tale. Somehow nerdy Jew Jerry Mitchell ends up having to throw down with 33 year old sophmore Buddy Revel after school. Revel breaks the principals fingers, embarrasses a local cop, and kicks some poor New Wave kid in the nuts, before Mitchell sacks up David and Goliath style and whomps the Kindergarten Cop Enemy with a pair of Brass Knuckles.
Rocky vs. Ivan Drago (Rocky IV) People always bitch to me that the Rocky movies got played out after Rocky II, but you know what I have to say to those pillowbiters: Olaf Berzerker!! Rocky IV fucking ruled! Not only did it set an 80's benchmark with an unprecedented double training montage, but Rocky took on the Soviets in fuckin' Syberia for Crissakes and in the end had them cheering for USA. What more do you want? Paris Hilton doing some hot lezzie scene with that uber-babe from The Girl Next Door while Rocky is jogging the fucking mountains in black jeans and a leather bomber jacket. Did you see his beard? PLAYER.
Mike vs. Clint (Dazed and Confused) This fight was more of a featherweight, but it was still pretty sweet. Props to Mike for stepping away from his friends (That creepy guy with the glasses and long hair who likes to take baths with candles, and that big titted 8th grade girl who probably has the nattiest beave this side of Saskatchewan) and grabbing the spotlight in a party where, to be honest, unless you're tight with Randall Floyd, have some killer weed, or Aerosmith tickets, didn't hold a lot of potential for scoring with sluty drunk chicks. Not like getting your ass kicked in a fight will get you a lot of chicks either, but at least you know that fat lip you'll wake up with tomorrow won't be from your buddy Tony trying to stick his dick in your mouth all night.
Dean Youngblood vs. Carl Racchi (Youngblood) A hockey gem. Okay Racchi, maybe this is a good time to re-evaluate your life. You lost your spot on the Mustangs to a slimmer, faster, higher scoring, better looking Dean Youngblood, even though you "Kicked his ass all over the ring." Even if you made the team you had absolutely no chance with Chadwick's daughter no matter how much that defenseman with the Pauly Shore hair and pink and black zebra printed tanktop told you you were "in." You're Canadian. You sign on with a playoff bound team, but blow the lead in the third period when you pull down, you guessed it, Dean Youngblood on a homefree breakaway. He scores on a rec league deke after being awarded a penalty shot. Even though he has pillows for hands and weighs about 90 pounds, his one-eyed brother kelly and Vietnam flashback father freak out on him and teach him to fight by beating the shit out of him on the farm. You challenge him to a fight at center ice in front of everyone and he not only beats you at the stick carving exhibition the two of you hold as a warmup, he knocks the every loving shit out of you and knocks your fat naked ass to the ground with a sick uppercut as if he's been playing Double Dragon Two all of his life. Options for you: Suicide. Marry a goat.
Dad vs. Ronnie Desenza (Judo, 1974) In Italy my dad casually drops into conversation that he used to be a competitive Judo artist. Now it all makes sense.
WAYS IN WHICH KEVIN LYTTLE WANTS TO RUN YOU
--like a marathon
--like a one sided scrimmage
--like a post nasal drip
--like a nosebleed
--like eggs over easy
--like diarrehia
--like a wind sprint
--like a pool shark
--like DMC
--Your hair has frosted tips
--Your name is Bobby
--You wear Guinea T's to the mall
--You own at least 5 pairs of Adidas snap-off pants
--You also own Nike head bands to match each snap-off outfit
--You have a tribal tattoo some place noticeable
--You take Animal Stack or some other type of juice
--You smoke menthols
--Odds are you have a tape-up
--Your name is Randy
BEST BATTLES
--Hulk Hogan vs. Ultimate Warrior (Wrestlemania Six) Ref gets knocked out and misses Hogans clear victory, comes to in time to count to three as the Ultimate Warrior pins Hogan to win both the Intercontinental and Heavyweight championship. Fight lasts over 35 minutes--enough for even the most hardcore Hogan fan to give the Warrior at least a few props
--Daniel Larusso vs. Johnny Lawrence (Karate Kid) This one's a gimme. The crowd is stunned that Daniel Larusso is even gonna fight after that cocksucker Bobby cheapshoted him in the semi's, but Miagi Do Karate never says die and in the end its all Larusso. Lawrence however is relenquished to permanent B-movie semistardom. C'mon man, even I saw that Crane Kick coming from a mile a way, and i was only six.
--Joe Piscipo vs. Chuck Norris (Sidekicks) "Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris doesn't compete anymore, and one of the reasons, one of the main reasons, is me." --Piscipo
--Jimmy vs. Timmy (Southpark) A twenty-minute animated re-creation of that movie with Roddy Roddy Piper, where he wears a denim jacket cutoff and has a mullet but somehow looks invincibily cool.
Van Damme vs. Chung Lee (Bloodsport) Not only is Frank Dux facing pressure fighting in the finals of his first Kumite, but his new girlfriend is in the audience and so are the CIA henchmen who are trying to bring him back to the United States. On top of that his opponent put his best friend in the hospital during the last round and just threw a vile of salt in his eyes. Blind and tortured, Dux somehow manages to annihilate Chung Lee and avenge his semsais death.
Van Damme vs. Paco (Bloodsport) This was a close call. Paco's unorthodox style deceived opponents in the first three rounds, but this was the fucking semis and he was facing a determined Frank Dux who, might I add, was wearing a fucking Red and Black Karate Gee. How fucking playa' is that? Once Van Damme launches his trademark flurry of roundhouse kicks Dux was basically in the finals.
Van Damme vs. Fender (Cyborg) True, this movie used to freak me out a bit and the first time I watched it I made my baby sitter Paul Tortarella leave the lights on, but I did keep myself from shitting my pants with fear long enough to watch Van Damme wreck this psycho warchild cybo-nazi in the rain. Final blow comes when he kicks him into a meathook. Or is it?
Van Damme vs. Sandman (Death Warrant) In front of an entire prison block Van Damme kicks the shit out of badboy inmate "The Sandman." This would be just another normal kickass fight scene, but it makes Fun List Friday because Van Damme kicks Sandman into a fiery furnace, but he escapes and only dies when his skull is implanted on an beam screw. Now thats Van Damage!
Hook vs. Corey Webster (Thrashin') If you live to get radical, then you probably went to sleep the other night beating off to this classic brawl. Hook. Webster. Skateboard joust. What more could I say?
Miagi Vs. The Entire Cobra Kai (Karate Kid) Its the Halloween party and the Cobra Kai, (dressed in skeletons, high off their asses and listening to that bitchen' new Cruel Summer song) have Daniel Larusso backed against a fence. Johnnys about to run a flying sidekick straight through his California-hatin' ass when all of a sudden Miagi shows up all Batman style and proceeds to show 5 highschool bullies what one Rum Chuggin Asian dwarf could do. Kick fuckin' ass.
Buddy Revell vs. Jerry Mitchell (Three O'Clock High) Classic bully tale. Somehow nerdy Jew Jerry Mitchell ends up having to throw down with 33 year old sophmore Buddy Revel after school. Revel breaks the principals fingers, embarrasses a local cop, and kicks some poor New Wave kid in the nuts, before Mitchell sacks up David and Goliath style and whomps the Kindergarten Cop Enemy with a pair of Brass Knuckles.
Rocky vs. Ivan Drago (Rocky IV) People always bitch to me that the Rocky movies got played out after Rocky II, but you know what I have to say to those pillowbiters: Olaf Berzerker!! Rocky IV fucking ruled! Not only did it set an 80's benchmark with an unprecedented double training montage, but Rocky took on the Soviets in fuckin' Syberia for Crissakes and in the end had them cheering for USA. What more do you want? Paris Hilton doing some hot lezzie scene with that uber-babe from The Girl Next Door while Rocky is jogging the fucking mountains in black jeans and a leather bomber jacket. Did you see his beard? PLAYER.
Mike vs. Clint (Dazed and Confused) This fight was more of a featherweight, but it was still pretty sweet. Props to Mike for stepping away from his friends (That creepy guy with the glasses and long hair who likes to take baths with candles, and that big titted 8th grade girl who probably has the nattiest beave this side of Saskatchewan) and grabbing the spotlight in a party where, to be honest, unless you're tight with Randall Floyd, have some killer weed, or Aerosmith tickets, didn't hold a lot of potential for scoring with sluty drunk chicks. Not like getting your ass kicked in a fight will get you a lot of chicks either, but at least you know that fat lip you'll wake up with tomorrow won't be from your buddy Tony trying to stick his dick in your mouth all night.
Dean Youngblood vs. Carl Racchi (Youngblood) A hockey gem. Okay Racchi, maybe this is a good time to re-evaluate your life. You lost your spot on the Mustangs to a slimmer, faster, higher scoring, better looking Dean Youngblood, even though you "Kicked his ass all over the ring." Even if you made the team you had absolutely no chance with Chadwick's daughter no matter how much that defenseman with the Pauly Shore hair and pink and black zebra printed tanktop told you you were "in." You're Canadian. You sign on with a playoff bound team, but blow the lead in the third period when you pull down, you guessed it, Dean Youngblood on a homefree breakaway. He scores on a rec league deke after being awarded a penalty shot. Even though he has pillows for hands and weighs about 90 pounds, his one-eyed brother kelly and Vietnam flashback father freak out on him and teach him to fight by beating the shit out of him on the farm. You challenge him to a fight at center ice in front of everyone and he not only beats you at the stick carving exhibition the two of you hold as a warmup, he knocks the every loving shit out of you and knocks your fat naked ass to the ground with a sick uppercut as if he's been playing Double Dragon Two all of his life. Options for you: Suicide. Marry a goat.
Dad vs. Ronnie Desenza (Judo, 1974) In Italy my dad casually drops into conversation that he used to be a competitive Judo artist. Now it all makes sense.
WAYS IN WHICH KEVIN LYTTLE WANTS TO RUN YOU
--like a marathon
--like a one sided scrimmage
--like a post nasal drip
--like a nosebleed
--like eggs over easy
--like diarrehia
--like a wind sprint
--like a pool shark
--like DMC
posted by Gearheart @ 2:22 AM
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