The ship doesn't hit the iceburg, but everyone still dies. Cause there's a fire in 3rd class.
Leonardo DiCaprio has a 'What's Eating Gilbert Grape' flashback and goes all "Arnie" retarded and climbs up the steam tower. The captain goes on the deck to try and get him to come down. While away from the wheel the ship crashes into the iceburg.
Titanic come under seige by some disillusioned ex-Marines whose mission it is to launch nuclear weapons at the White House. Fortunately for the passengers there is hope on board in the lowly position of a cook. A cook who happens to be a Navy S.E.A.L.. A cook named Casey Ryback.
Bill Paxton get 90 year old Rose drunk on whiskey sours and fucks her in the submersible. The fat guy with the beard gives him so much shit the next morning that he jumps overboard and drowns himself.
Early on in the voyage when Rose tries to commit suicide by jumping off the back of the ship, DiCaprio rushes to save her but upon closer inspection notices that she's a severe butterface. Decides not to save her. Pretty boy Billy Zane is sad at first, but then he and Leo talk about all of the hotter chicks they've fucked in Hollywood in a weird 'Reality' sequence. Then the movie resumes and the boat goes back to England. Dicaprio's character still bums a smoke from Hockley's butler!
Rose strips from her robe so Jack could draw her wearing nothing but the
coeur de la mer and her luscious curves. And she has a hairy dick. DiCaprio stabs her in the jugular with his sharpened turquoise pastelle.