STDS AND THEIR CORRESPONDING MOVIE THEATER CANDY TREATS

Gonohrea (the clap)//Milky Ways
Crabs//Sno-Caps
Herpes//Skittles
Genital Warts (Male)//Goobers
Genital Warts (Female)//Raisinettes
L'il Penis//Snickers



MOVIES IN WHICH KURT RUSSEL HAS A TANK TOP AND A MULLET

Escape From NY
Escape From LA
Overboard
Big Trouble In Little China
Tango & Cash
Captain Ron




VARIATIONS ON THE NAME OF MY HIGH SCHOOL CHEM LAB PARTNER, TED ACKERMANN

Ed Tackermann
Said Bickermann
Burt Backermann
White Blackerthann
F.E.D. C.I.Ackermann
Todd Hackermann Esq.


WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT I'VE OFFERED BUT HAVEN'T MEANT (WHOLEHEARTEDLY)

"You're sweet"
"That T.V. show idea sounds sweet"
"Sure, go talk to her"/"I think she likes you"
"I think she just checked you out"
"That shirt doesn't make you look gay...It makes you look European"
"Your dad's a nice guy"
"Of course you're cuter than your little 17 year old sister over there in her skimpy pajamas. Is she really only 17?"
"That demo you gave me is, like, a raw version of Radiohead"
"That demo you gave me is, like, The Stones. But the next step"
"You're girlfriend is cute...oh really, well, you're dog is really cute. No, seriously"


'MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE' SPINOFFS AND THE NETWORKS THAT CARRY THEM

Malcolm in the Middle of Two Swedish Pornstars//(Playboy)
Malcolm in the Middle of Two Guys Named Tony and Rico//(Bravo)
Malcolm in the Middle of Steel Magnolias//(Lifetime)
Malcolm in the Middle of a peanut butter and bologna sandwich//(Food Network)
Malcolm in the Midst of a Nervous Breakdown//(Fox)
Malcolm in the process of heiling Hitler//(The History Channel)
Malcolm in the Middle of a Jimmy Eat World lyric//(Mtv)
Malcolm in the Middle of a Jimmy Eat World retrospective//(VH1)
Malcolm in the Middle of a coke binge//(E!)
Malcolm in the Mud//(Discovery Channel)
Malcolm X in the Middle//(WB)
Malcolm X in the Middle of two Puerto Rican girls pretending to be black sisters//(UPN)


BUDDY COP DUO OR ACTUAL SAN DIEGO LAW FIRM

Tango & Cash
Tubbs & Crockett
Shulman & Shulman
Starsky & Hutch
Sheingross & Bennett
Riggs & Murtaugh
Spencer For Hire & Hawk
Weinstein For Hire


FUNNYMAN DENNIS LEARY'S CAREER

Standup Routine (exhales cigarettes and saliva, curses, inhales cigarettes, complains. repeat)
Pens 'Asshole' Song (big hit. lyrics: "A-S-S-H-O-L-E, I'm an Asshole, [Inhale cigarette]He's an Asshole")
Judgement Night (Terrorizes Cuba Gooding Jr. and friends)
The Ref (Kidnaps suburban family)
The Sandlot (Hits his own son in the face with curveball. Puts frozen steak on wound)
Whos The Man (Starring those two guys from 'Yo Mtv Raps.')
Comedy Central ROAST (Friends [Keifer Sutherland, Colin Quinn, some other guy] gather in giant theater to celebrate life of Dennis Leary. Laugh track used during on-air special)



SYLVESTER STALLONE'S TOP TEN MOVIES

Commando
Best of the Best 2
Willow (little guy, big heart)
Serpico ('70s Pacino big influence on '80s Marion Cobretti[Cobra])
Beverly Hills Cop 2 (Stallone's wife is in it)
Cobra (Stallone's wife is in it with a 10 minute music video)
Stayin' Alive (Few people know that Stallone directed this Saturday Night Fever sequel)
Lionheart (Killer from Cobra's wife gets boned by Van Damme. Sly watches this movie when he doesn't get a chance to go to the gym)
Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot (Stallone's mom made Frank Stallone convince his brother to name this on the list or his canoli supply would be cut off)
Crybaby (Stallone realized what real acting is in this early Johnny Depp classic)